In this year's U.S. News and World Report rankings of graduate programs, Penn's numbers stayed fairly steady. The Graduate School of Education, which experienced the biggest drop last year from seventh to 11th, rose one spot this year to 10th. The Engineering, Medical and Law Schools each fell one spot, to 30th, fourth and seventh, respectively.

Looking for a new place to nap? Or maybe it's a mid-afternoon booty call you want. Either way, Philly BedShare might be your solution. Starting next week, BedShare, owned and operated by Philly CarShare, will begin offering its new service - conveniently located private napping quarters equipped with plush queen-size beds scattered throughout Philadelphia.

This week's personality was supposed to be actor-gone-professor Kalpen Modi, better known as . oh, whatever, let's cut the crap. We didn't get an interview. Again. We'd like to say we're surprised, but honestly we're past that point. So in place of an interview, enjoy this lovely picture - the only one, in fact, we've ever been allowed to shoot.

Coaches to launch new course in Fall '08 If you didn't pre-register for fall classes, don't worry: the newest course wasn't even in the system yet. Several Penn coaches will team up to teach Coachspeak, listed as English 057, in the upcoming fall semester.

At the end of the day, Obama was believed to be just too polarizing. In an emergency meeting last night, Penn Democrats voted to revoke their March endorsement of Sen. Barack Obama (D-Ill.) in favor of Sen. Hillary Clinton (D-N.Y.). Citing increasing unease over the Rev.

Penn President Amy Gutmann announced yesterday that she will pose for the inaugural issue of the Penn version of Diamond magazine, the controversial Harvard-based erotica publication. The magazine, which is expected to hit campus next fall, will showcase Penn males and females posing semi-nude.

AComm loses staff, office; lies still remain After two members of its staff were given pink slips, Athletic Communications is moving to the shit-spewing shack behind Warren Field. Catcher Mike Mahoney was designated for assignment by the Chicago Cubs. And golf contact Parisa Bastani was let go one day after asking the DP for golf coach Francis Vaughn's number, and two days after insisting that officemat Chas was actually Sam.

Even before the aftermath of the collapse of Bear Stearns has subsided, the credit crisis has found a fresh victim on Penn’s campus: the Student Federal Credit Union. SFCU – an entirely student-run bank – is facing imminent bankruptcy due to heavy losses.

Part of the plan for the postal lands will include a prison to house members of the Penn community convicted of crimes, administration officials said Tuesday. "With the increasing number of Penn students and faculty running afoul of the law, local facilities just can't handle the burden," said University spokesman Tony Sorrentino.

Students across campus have reported a number of abuses of the Division of Public Safety's new text alert system. DPS, students say, has been sending text messages that get a little bit too personal, probing students about their weekend plans and using the letter "u" in place of the actual word.

South Street Bridge is falling down . Falling down. Falling down. South Street Bridge is falling down. My. Fair. Lady. A rapid deterioration of the already falling apart bridge has caused the structure to crumble into the Schuylkill River. "How come every time you come around my South Street, South Street Bridge wanna go down?" asked Facilities spokesman Tony Sorrentino.

NEW YORK (CITY) - When Pat Knapp left Georgetown five years ago to set up shop with the Penn women's basketball program, he gave up any shot of coaching on the floor of Madison Square Garden in the Big East Tournament. But yesterday he got a chance to return to the once-hallowed (and now desecrated) floor in a different capacity.

Steroids' hulking shadow now looms over the Ivy League. The long-awaited Bilsky Report, launched by Penn Athetic Director Steve Bilsky, was released yesterday, naming almost 50 Penn athletes with ties to performance-enhancing drugs. Notable athletes on the report were second baseman Steve Gable, whose batting average has jumped 250 points this season; women's hoops' 6-foot-2 forward Maggie Burgess, who grew eight inches in the week prior to the Quakers' season opener; and gymnast Marissa Rosen, who once beat Mark Zoller in an arm-wrestling match.

*This article appeared in the 2008 Joke Issue.

In this primary season's most heated contest so far, Democratic presidential candidates Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama came to University City for a high-stakes, late-night bowling match at Strikes Tuesday. "The primary season was just dragging on so long," said Democratic National Committee chairman Howard Dean.

For the first time in Penn's history, 32 members of the Undergraduate Assembly resigned last night after College senior and newly-self-appointed UA president Jason Karsh staged a coup and gave himself power over all of the body's decisions. "Basically, Karsh refused to even consider the idea of giving up his power to next year's executive board - a decision that I, a fellow president whose power is so frequently usurpated by Congress, sympathize with," said U.

It's very lonely at the top. A sophomore leading a board of.... other sophomores, rubbing elbows with plebes by day and controlling the media by night. But after putting out your paper of record everyday, I return home to my room in the Quad, my pockets stuffed with beer bottles.