*This article appeared in the 2008 Joke Issue.
NEW YORK (CITY) - When Pat Knapp left Georgetown five years ago to set up shop with the Penn women's basketball program, he gave up any shot of coaching on the floor of Madison Square Garden in the Big East Tournament.
But yesterday he got a chance to return to the once-hallowed (and now desecrated) floor in a different capacity. Isiah's out, and Knapp's in as coach of the New York Knicks.
"You wasted your time coming here," Knapp said at a hastily called press conference in the bowels of the Garden. "But I thank all five of you for showing up. We'll get this thing turned around faster than you can say 'Donnie Walsh.'"
Knapp said his first order of business would be to set up an icebreaker for his former players and his new ones. The location of the mixer between the Knicks and the Penn 'W's has yet to be finalized, but point guard Stephon Marbury offered to provide his SUV, if it would help to "facilitate a smooth transition."
"We'll create the next generation of Knicks fans," he said. (No kidding.)
Garden president James Dolan was able to lure Knapp away with a package that would make Renaldo Balkman jealous: A promise of no academic indexing, a brand-spanking-new clipboard and a subletted motel room that Eliot Spitzer had originally leased for the next two years.
When asked if he had tried to keep Knapp from leaving Penn athletic director Steve Bilsky struck a cautious tone in a statement
"I wouldn't pay up to keep the Dunph happy; what do you think?" he wrote in an e-mail.
His former players described Knapp as mature beyond his years, with a sophisticated intensity that drew others in.
"He had really specific and mature tastes in things," said junior point guard Anca Popovici. "He wanted to cut through the crap of life and get to the really great stuff. It reflected everywhere."
Upon the announcement of Knapp's arrival, the New York media immediately began speculating how long it will be until he takes the next step up - or is it down? or sideways? - the coaching career ladder.
So what's his next move?
"You ask a good question" was the collective response from the Garden, in a curiously raspy voice.
Until then, Knapp faces the daunting task of teaching yet another team how to break double-digit losing streaks.
Penn men's coach Glen Miller was busy angling for an assistant coaching job at Oregon State yesterday and was unavailable for comment.
