*This article appeared in the 2008 joke issue.
Part of the plan for the postal lands will include a prison to house members of the Penn community convicted of crimes, administration officials said Tuesday.
"With the increasing number of Penn students and faculty running afoul of the law, local facilities just can't handle the burden," said University spokesman Tony Sorrentino. "The postal lands are being used for everything - why not a prison too?"
The prison is tentatively to be named the Claudia Cohen Correctional Institute after public outcry at mega-donor Ron Perelman's attempt to rename Logan Hall after his late wife. Accused rapist and former Neurosurgery professor Tracy McIntosh is expected to be transferred there, as is former Marketing professor and convicted child-porn offender Scott Ward.
"This is a great opportunity to have the best and brightest minds of the federal and state correctional systems right here on campus," said Penn President Amy Gutmann. "It will be an exciting, interdisciplinary, high-security facility where inmates and visitors alike can create knowledge."
The idea for the prison supposedly developed after an alleged backroom deal between University officials and the Philadelphia District Attorney's office.
Gutmann said the deal did not exist, but if it did, she would have first consulted respected Philadelphia Judge Rayford Means.
University officials are still debating whether student offenders should be housed in the prison.
"Irina Malinovskaya hasn't finished her degree yet, and what about the Harnwell thief, the panty thief, the international hacker and that guy who hit his girlfriend?" said University spokeswoman Lori Doyle.
"The on-campus facility seems to provide a perfect solution to the long commute necessary when prisoners are on academic release. However, we are afraid that unattended theft would increase even more" as desperate students seek any low-cost on-campus housing, Doyle added.
Some, however, are calling for Penn to do more.
"What about members of the West Philadelphia community who are in prison? Where's Screwdriver Man going to stay?" said former Economics professor Rafael Robb in an interview from the Montgomery County Correctional Facility.
Administration officials reassured the public at a forum last week that any extra space in the 100-bed facility would be given to community offenders.
Construction will begin at some point in early 2009 and the University is hoping to have all units filled by the occupancy date.
"With the rate of crime on Penn's campus, we're confident this is a realistic goal," Vice President for Public Safety Maureen Rush said.
The University will seek LEED certification for the prison.
