*This article appeared in the 2008 Joke Issue.
AComm loses staff, office; lies still remain
After two members of its staff were given pink slips, Athletic Communications is moving to the shit-spewing shack behind Warren Field.
Catcher Mike Mahoney was designated for assignment by the Chicago Cubs.
And golf contact Parisa Bastani was let go one day after asking the DP for golf coach Francis Vaughn's number, and two days after insisting that officemat Chas was actually Sam.
(Sources say that Jonathan Tannenwald offered to comfort her. She apparently declined.)
The entire Athletics Department was on vacation until Monday and therefore unavailable for comment.
Told the news, DP staff writer Molin Zhong said, "Oh, OK."
Softball coach Leslie King, meanwhile, said this about Athletic Comm: "You are awful. You are awful. And everybody knows that you are awful."
Knappy Roots singer to host fitness clinic
Pat Knapp will lead a health and exercise workshop this summer, according to Athletic Director Steve Bilsky.
Knapp will share the techniques that have produced quick, nimble women's basketball squads in his three years with the Quakers.
Bilsky was unsure whether Knapp would continue the Penn tradition of using varsity athletes to staff his clinic.
'Badass' Dave Micahnik arrested
Fencing coach Dave Micahnik was charged with the murder of a man in a dark alley somewhere in Philadelphia.
According to police, Micahnik allegedly met this man with a sword and got into an altercation with him. Micahnik was arrested, but he came out of it, though.
Iosef Vitebsky will take over Micahnik's coaching duties.
M. Lax, Baseball lose by combined 30-7.
Guess what? This is actually true. We really are that bad.
