AComm loses staff, office; lies still remain After two members of its staff were given pink slips, Athletic Communications is moving to the shit-spewing shack behind Warren Field. Catcher Mike Mahoney was designated for assignment by the Chicago Cubs. And golf contact Parisa Bastani was let go one day after asking the DP for golf coach Francis Vaughn's number, and two days after insisting that officemat Chas was actually Sam.

Even before the aftermath of the collapse of Bear Stearns has subsided, the credit crisis has found a fresh victim on Penn’s campus: the Student Federal Credit Union. SFCU – an entirely student-run bank – is facing imminent bankruptcy due to heavy losses.

Part of the plan for the postal lands will include a prison to house members of the Penn community convicted of crimes, administration officials said Tuesday. "With the increasing number of Penn students and faculty running afoul of the law, local facilities just can't handle the burden," said University spokesman Tony Sorrentino.

Students across campus have reported a number of abuses of the Division of Public Safety's new text alert system. DPS, students say, has been sending text messages that get a little bit too personal, probing students about their weekend plans and using the letter "u" in place of the actual word.

South Street Bridge is falling down . Falling down. Falling down. South Street Bridge is falling down. My. Fair. Lady. A rapid deterioration of the already falling apart bridge has caused the structure to crumble into the Schuylkill River. "How come every time you come around my South Street, South Street Bridge wanna go down?" asked Facilities spokesman Tony Sorrentino.

NEW YORK (CITY) - When Pat Knapp left Georgetown five years ago to set up shop with the Penn women's basketball program, he gave up any shot of coaching on the floor of Madison Square Garden in the Big East Tournament. But yesterday he got a chance to return to the once-hallowed (and now desecrated) floor in a different capacity.

Steroids' hulking shadow now looms over the Ivy League. The long-awaited Bilsky Report, launched by Penn Athetic Director Steve Bilsky, was released yesterday, naming almost 50 Penn athletes with ties to performance-enhancing drugs. Notable athletes on the report were second baseman Steve Gable, whose batting average has jumped 250 points this season; women's hoops' 6-foot-2 forward Maggie Burgess, who grew eight inches in the week prior to the Quakers' season opener; and gymnast Marissa Rosen, who once beat Mark Zoller in an arm-wrestling match.

*This article appeared in the 2008 Joke Issue.

In this primary season's most heated contest so far, Democratic presidential candidates Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama came to University City for a high-stakes, late-night bowling match at Strikes Tuesday. "The primary season was just dragging on so long," said Democratic National Committee chairman Howard Dean.

For the first time in Penn's history, 32 members of the Undergraduate Assembly resigned last night after College senior and newly-self-appointed UA president Jason Karsh staged a coup and gave himself power over all of the body's decisions. "Basically, Karsh refused to even consider the idea of giving up his power to next year's executive board - a decision that I, a fellow president whose power is so frequently usurpated by Congress, sympathize with," said U.

It's very lonely at the top. A sophomore leading a board of.... other sophomores, rubbing elbows with plebes by day and controlling the media by night. But after putting out your paper of record everyday, I return home to my room in the Quad, my pockets stuffed with beer bottles.

I wish Johnnie Cochran wasn't dead. "If it doesn't fit, you must acquit," he'd say. Then he'd accuse police of racism. Very nice. And I'd be free, Flinging it up with y'all this weekend. But instead, I'm sitting in jail drinking vodka and craving borscht.

The Daily Pennsylvanian's annual gag issue has a long history, of which another chapter has been written today. Every year at about this time, tradition dictates that DP editors turn their usually proper paper into a playful parody. Although the DP used to publish a gag issue on or about April Fool's Day, the issue was moved to Washington's birthday in 1962.

University officials announced yesterday that Donald Trump, 1964 Wharton alumnus, donated $100 million for a new building that will be erected over the existing Steinberg-Dietrich Hall. The complex will be renamed Steinberg-Trump-Dietrich Hall. "This donation will help us make STD the campus's first skyscraper," said University spokeswoman Lori Doyle.

Sod is not the only green substance growing on King's Court English College House's recently-installed green roof. A King's Court resident was arrested yesterday after maintenance staff discovered he was growing marijuana on the college house's roof, which was completed this January.

Some lessons just can't be learned without failing - twice. At least 75 percent of Wharton freshmen are currently under investigation for cheating on their Operations and Information Management 101 group projects, according to the University's Office of Student Conduct.

Craig Robinson has a lot of work to do to turn around an Oregon State basketball program that went 0-18 in the Pac-10 this year. But Robinson will get to help run another - slightly less-boring - team this year. With Robinson's brother-in-law Barack Obama still needing to answer questions about whether he's "black enough," he selected Robinson to be his 2008 running mate.