*This article appeared in the 2008 Joke Issue.
Craig Robinson has a lot of work to do to turn around an Oregon State basketball program that went 0-18 in the Pac-10 this year. But Robinson will get to help run another - slightly less-boring - team this year.
With Robinson's brother-in-law Barack Obama still needing to answer questions about whether he's "black enough," he selected Robinson to be his 2008 running mate.
Robinson - a Princeton grad who famously pops his collar during practices and makes freshmen wash his sweater vests - beat out Carlton Banks, Wayne Brady and Tim Duncan for the job.
"I'm thrilled for the opportunity," Robinson said. "I'll need to get out of Oregon once in a while, and D.C. sounds like the perfect place."
With his Princeton-style offense, Robinson will be able to hit the campaign trail during possessions in practice.
"Craig 'Mrs.' Robinson will provide a change we can believe in," Obama said. "While he's maintained the old Tigers offense, he's plugged in players like Chris Sckrlllja and Mark McAndrew who know how to flop and whine with the best of them. To beat Hillary, we'll need a commitment to annoying our opponents without drawing a tech from voters."
When asked 'Why Robinson?,' Obama referred to a shallow pool to draw from, including dangerously Hispanic Bill Richardson, Chris Dodd and crazy, Punjab-hating Joe Biden.
"He was a very good basketball player, he is a very good basketball coach, but most importantly, Craig is just a tremendous human being and I have an unmentionable amount of respect for him," Obama said.
Hillary Clinton, who laughed when asked whether she was "scurred" about the ticket, cried about how hard it has been for her to find a running mate.
Senator John McCain declined to comment on the quality of the choice, only asking of this reporter "Did you steal my cranberry juice?" and "Are you my male nurse? I'm hurtin' for a spongebath." He also complained about his food being too spicy.
Robinson doesn't see his lack of political experience as an issue because "neither of the Democratic candidates have much of it themselves" and that the vice president really does nothing anyway.
Another former Princeton grad felt differently.
"Robinson wasn't half the basketball player I was at Princeton, and he will be three-fifths of the politician," former Presidential candidate Bill Bradley said.
As the former head at Brown, Penn coach Glen Miller knows how tough it can be on a Bears coach and feels for Robinson.
"Anyone who can survive getting jammed up the ass by three officials as well as living in a city as pathetic as Providence is tough enough to be a vice president," he said.
But in areas where Brown has failed the test, Robinson knows his New Jersey school has prepared him for the job.
"At Princeton I improved my cardiovascular fitness, successfully went hunting with my buddies from the lawn society, and I conceived a straight daughter," he said. "So I can't be worse than Cheney."
