Newspapers are dead. True fact, printed in this very truthful publication. Just look at our front page today. Completely dead. A blog told me so. Also, we're in a Recession. I capitalize the R because it's like the Depression, except people are too Depressed to admit it.

By VANILLA ICE Whigger Party Member iceicebaby@bigwhigs.org Penn's prospects for an Ivy title are as bleak as they've ever been. But its trophy shelf might just see some hardware come Grammy season. Forward and emcee Justin Reilly (aka Yung Reezy) drops his debut album, "(Thug) Life of Reilly," today, and critics are calling it "an unequivocal triumph in the realm of unathletic, injury-prone white rappers taller than 6-foot-7.

A senior admitted to the hospital last week has been diagnosed with Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease, the human strain of bovine spongiform encephalopathy - commonly known as Mad Cow disease. The disease is fatal, and there is no known treatment or cure.

In an effort to stem the flow of alcohol into the Quadrangle in the weeks leading up to Spring Fling, Quad security guards have stepped up the depth of their searches of students' belongings. Slated to go into effect today, the new policy - which allows random strip searches of students who are suspected of carrying alcohol on their person - is meeting intense criticism from various groups on campus. Their objections range from privacy issues to fears that female Quad residents will be targeted.

The Daily Pennsylvanian's annual gag issue has a long history, of which another chapter has been written today. Every year at about this time, tradition dictates that DP editors turn their usually proper paper into a playful parody. Although the DP used to publish a gag issue on or about April Fool's Day, the issue was moved to Washington's birthday in 1962.

It's just another sign of the times. Given Penn's shrinking endowment and slacking admissions, athletic director Steve Bilsky has jumped on the mediocrity bandwagon by publicly outlining his vision for an NCAA program of "moderate achievement," and "a general decrease in expectations.

Hip-hop singer-songwriter and producer Akon has pulled out of this year's Spring Fling Concert, announced Penn's Social Planning and Events Committee last night. Due to the proximity of the event, alternative rock band Guster, originally scheduled to open for Akon, will take to the stage solo on April 17 at Franklin Field.

Although student-government elections just ended, some students still plan to get a piece of political action in the municipal primary elections on May 19. Wharton sophomore Nick Greif is running for inspector of elections for the 11th district of the 27th ward.

As long as it faces a non-conference opponent, the Penn baseball team can hold its own. But so far this season, the Quakers (10-16, 0-8 Ivy) have been the pinatas of the Ivy League: Everyone gets a free hit. They've stumbled to a nasty nine-game losing streak since conference play began and are hoping to regain their confidence today against Lafayette (13-15) in Easton, Pa.

They may not be performing at Spring Fling, but they still inspired a few "econ screams" at their latest concert on March 28. The Contractions, a cover band made up almost entirely of economics professors, has been performing together for the past 12 years, "wherever economists got together" - such as at conferences - Economics professor and keyboardist Gwen Eudey said.

In a scene straight out of Alice in Wonderland, I went to a very merry unbirthday party last week. Several of us caroused around a table at an intimate BYO, celebrating, well, nothing. No one had a birthday. No one had an anniversary. Instead, "My job offer just got rescinded!" someone declared, passing around the tomato and mozzarella salad.

Some people are visual learners, while others learn better through words - and when learning new information, a recent Penn study says, individuals tend to play to these strengths. Led by David Kraemer, a postdoctoral researcher at Penn's Center for Cognitive Neuroscience, the study was published in the Journal of Neuroscience in late March.

Facing the second-best team in the nation tonight, Penn men's lacrosse has nothing to lose. No. 2 Princeton (8-1, 1-0 Ivy) will travel south on Interstate-95 today to face the Quakers (2-6, 1-3) in a 7 p.m. matchup under the lights at Franklin Field. Though both squads are coming off wins, the circumstances are far from similar.

Fans of NBC's 30 Rock can get taste of their favorite show two days early this week at the 11th Annual Mask and Wig Intercollegiate Comedy Festival. Also known as ComFest, the event presented by The Mask and Wig Club and the Social Planning and Events Committee will be held tonight at 8 p.

Believe it or not, there's a basketball oasis in West Philadelphia, where Penn students and inner-city children come together each Friday to cap off the week. Enter at 58th and Walnut. Tread lightly down the creaky hallways lined with beat-up lockers, past the classrooms filled with wobbly desks and outdated books and swing open the double doors.

Drexel University president Constantine Papadakis, 63, died Sunday night from pulmonary complications, Drexel Board of Trustees chairman Richard Greenawalt announced today. In remission from cancer, Papadakis requested a medical leave of absence on April 2.

The men's lacrosse team played what may have been its best lacrosse of the season, but came up just short of upsetting No. 2 Princeton, falling 10-9 in overtime. Princeton senior attack Tommy Davis scored the game-winner - his fourth goal of the game - 1:30 into the extra period to give the Tigers the win.