*This article appeared in the 2009 joke issue.
By TOTES McGOTES Evil Dukie Writer mcgotes@dailypennsylvanian.com
It's just another sign of the times.
Given Penn's shrinking endowment and slacking admissions, athletic director Steve Bilsky has jumped on the mediocrity bandwagon by publicly outlining his vision for an NCAA program of "moderate achievement," and "a general decrease in expectations."
Nailing down specific implementations in a recent press conference, Bilsky highlighted the importance of accepting defeat both during athletic events and as a department in general.
The 16th-year A.D. plans to phase out any capital donations over the next five years. He also looks to liquidate the Weightman Fund and even return some multi-million dollar gifts to further suppress the Quakers' competitive ability in recruiting and retaining athletes.
"I've found that if you have a goal, you might not reach it," Bilsky said. "But if you don't have one, then you are never disappointed. And I gotta tell you . it feels phenomenal."
Certain actions, however, will likely not pass through the board of trustees.
Included in such ideas are withdrawing from the Ivy League and transferring to play in the more suitable New England Small College Athletic Conference, which would require a self-imposed demotion to Division III.
But Bilsky realized the potential pitfall of this move, stating, "The sheer size of [Penn's] student body would offer us a distinct advantage in that case, making average performance quite difficult."
Ivy League Executive Director Jeff Orleans released a statement concerning Bilsky's new initiative.
"Steve-o has always been on the vanguard of collegiate athletics, and we all lose a bit of that competitive edge as we get older," said Orleans, who will be replaced July 1 by Robin Harris. "But really, it couldn't have come at a better time. I mean, the economy has tanked, today's NCAA athletes will never be able to afford retirement - there's really nothing to feel good about anymore. Why should Penn be any different?"
Perhaps the idea that drew the most attention was Bilsky's desire to return to the hardwood for the Quakers' 2009-10 basketball season.
Bilsky, who was first team All-Ivy for the Quakers in 1970, did not compete with the varsity during his freshman year due to NCAA rules. Since this loophole can be construed as a redshirt season, the New York native has been afforded one more year of eligibility.
In the most recent advanced registration, Bilsky is rumored to have signed up for several CGS courses - including HCMG 234 "The Dangers of Melanoma" and ECON 453 "Losing Game Theory" - in order to officially be declared a student of the university again.
It appears Orleans was incorrect about losing competitiveness, as Bilsky would not stop dribbling a ball or boxing out Athletic Communications director Mike Mahoney during the interview for this article.
"My knees may not be what they used to be, but I've had forty extra years of practice compared to the guys they have now," Bilsky said while tomahawk-dunking into the wastebasket. "I'm just going to go out there and put the thug on them."
