The Daily Pennsylvanian is a student-run nonprofit.

Please support us by disabling your ad blocker on our site.

*This article appeared in the 2009 joke issue.

Newspapers are dead.

True fact, printed in this very truthful publication. Just look at our front page today. Completely dead. A blog told me so.

Also, we're in a Recession. I capitalize the R because it's like the Depression, except people are too Depressed to admit it.

And you know what? You know who is steering this ship? This multi-million dollar ship in these choppy waters?

A chick. Who is majoring in Communications and likes Smirnoff Ice over a beer any Thursday.

And I prefer Euros. Why? No, not because I'm French/English/Scottish/whatever. It's because they're prettier, and I like money better when it comes in multiple hues.

The last two guys who ran this joint (not that they ever smoked them) were A.) Male B.) Wharton and C.) Asian. If they couldn't stop the financial hemorrhage, you think I can? Really? Numbers make me giggle.

But my eggs are worth $15,000 (ladies: Go to the classifieds if financial aid crapped on you this year). We're all about the alternative revenue this year.

So here's my plan, dear readers:

This Vag Board has 19 editors with ovaries (plus one that's too close to call). That adds up to $285,000. And if we each donate once a month, that's 2,565,000. That's like 2,137 and a half pairs of (see David? I do math!).

If that can't save us, I don't know what can. And I don't care. Haven't you heard? Red is the new black, bitchezzzz.



Juliette Mullin runs things.

Comments powered by Disqus

Please note All comments are eligible for publication in The Daily Pennsylvanian.