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(04/02/01 9:00am)
Three members of the Penn women's fencing team were arrested yesterday on charges of illegal weapons possession.
Upon returning from practice at around 9:00 p.m. last night, Kim Linton, Abby Lifter and Lauren Staudinger were walking along Spruce Street when a patrol car pulled up next to them and immediately arrested the three young women.
Police Officer Hector Cervoza offered an explanation for the arrest.
"Man, I just got back from busting a crack whore. She was actually pretty hot. I was sad to put such a fine piece of ass behind bars. Anyway, I was just driving along and I saw these three white girls with swords and I overhead one saying that she was 'in bitch-mode and going out for blood.' Man, what was I supposed to do? This is Philly. I want the streets safe for my children and my children's children and for hot crack whores. I ain't gonna stand for that shit."
The three women are currently being held without bail at the Crown Fried Chicken on 40th and Market.
Penn fencing coach Dave Micahnik was disappointed with the arrest.
"These girls have to learn to step up in big-time situations," Micahnik said. "They see a cop, they have to make a move -- run, attack, whatever. That's the reason these girls don't perform well in NCAAs. They have to listen to me when I tell them to be strong and assertive. I've been at this school for 65 years, I know what I'm freakin' talking about."
Penn assistant coach Iosif Vitebisky was also reached for comment, but The Daily Pennsylvanian couldn't understand a word he said.
Some teammates of Linton, Staudinger and Lifter, however, were amazed at the recent developments.
"How could they arrest somebody for carrying a piece of sporting equipment?" Penn captain Mindy Nguyen said. "That's like arresting a baseball player for carrying a bat or a lacrosse player for carrying a stick or a drug dealer for carrying a couple dozen dimebags. It just doesn't make sense."
The DP then ventured into the ghetto to interview the trio of fencers who are being held hostage.
"It's simply absurd," Linton said. "We did nothing wrong. We went to practice and came home. That's it. Absolutely nothing wrong."
"I like the chicken," Staudinger added.
The trial date is currently scheduled for next Monday. Micahnik, who got a B+ in Legal Studies 101 when he was a Penn undergraduate in 1923, will serve as the women's lawyer.
The Penn coach, however, was overheard making a remark that does not bode too well for the young ladies' chances of acquittal.
"Man, I just love those prison movies. You know, with those hot lesbians on Cinemax," Micahnik said. "Those girls in prison would be hot. I mean, hot. But I'll do my best to get them acquitted. Although prison would be really, really cool."
(04/02/01 9:00am)
Hi, Penn!
It's not easy for me to say this, but I am very pleased at the success that I've had as a member of the Penn women's basketball team for the past four years. I'm happiest that we got to the NCAA Tournament, and I hope that I can continue to play for many years to come.
Do you really buy that "aw-shucks" garbage? I'm the best, I know I'm the best and I just pass off all that false modesty to get all of you to think that I'm a great person.
At first, I didn't know who I thought I was kidding, deflecting attention to my undeserving teammates. I mean, how could they really deserve credit for me scoring 30 points?
OK, maybe they could help me out by setting me up with nice passes and all, but what about my prodigious rebounding ability? That's all me.
I have more rebounds than anyone in Penn history, and more points than anyone in Big 5 history. Quite simply, I am the best.
No one can ever be better than me. Just look at Mandy West. She came here, thinking she was all pretty, dished out a few assists and all.
But did she help me to win a championship? No. She was just holding me back.
That's why Mandy West is in Greece, and I'll be in the WNBA next year, showing all of you unworthy "fans" that I, not Jackie Stiles, am the true cream of the draft class of 2001.
I am the best.
Those Ivy League fools triple-teamed me all year long, and I was still too good for them. I was Player of the Year, meaning that you can trace that undefeated season right on back to yours truly.
"Diana's incredible," said Penn head coach Kelly Greenberg, my tagalong co-captain Erin Ladley, Penn Athletic Department lackey Carla Shultzberg, and just about everybody else who has seen me play.
Well, duh. I'm incredible. Without me, Penn would be nothing. And not just the women's basketball team, but the whole darn school.
Do you doubt me? What other good things have happened at this place this year? Freshgrocer? The new cinema? The men's team in the Sweet 16?
Hell, no. I'm the only ray of light on this otherwise dreary wasteland of a campus.
Even in sports -- damn it, even in my own household -- I'm the best. Who do you think had a better free-throw percentage this year, me or Geoff? Between the two of us, how many were first team all-Ivy honorees?
Correct answer: one. Me. The best.
Plus, I'm smarter than you. Is your face appearing next to your words in The Daily Pennsylvanian? Didn't think so. Are you in Wharton? Maybe. But do you understand both the intricacies of the "Texas" offense and the "Georgia Tech" offense? Unlikely.
Let me make it simple for all of you who were too dumb to get into Harvard, Yale or Princeton: I am a great basketball player. The best, in fact. I am also very smart. And very pretty. I'm smarter and prettier than you, and I've fooled you with false modesty for four stinking years. I'm almost embarrassed to be the best from among you, the poor schlubs who think that they've got something going because they go to Penn.
I look forward to a WNBA Rookie of the Year award and MVP award next year. I'll also be winning the Nobel Prize in Economics. You will be nothing, and the Penn women's basketball team will suffer a pathetic return to mediocrity without me.
So long, suckers.
(04/02/01 9:00am)
Penn men's basketball stars Geoff Owens and Ugonna Onyekwe were arrested on Sunday in a pre-dawn raid, charged with racketeering and 14 other related crimes.
In warrants unsealed at the time of their arrests, the Quakers second team All-Ivy selections are accused of systematic point-shaving over the course of the 2000-01 campaign.
It is alleged that the duo intentionally missed free throws to swing the score of a number of games, earning upward of $40,000 from professional gamblers in the process.
While the Penn community -- still reeling from the academic scandal precipitated by Mitch Marrow in 1997 -- tries to come to terms with this development, the accusations may explain the circumstances surrounding the topsy-turvy season the Quakers (12-17, 0-2 against Princeton) endured.
"The accusations are totally and uncategorically without merit," said Penn coach Fran Dunphy, as he edged closer to the Olney stop on the Orange Line. "Though I still wonder why we lost to some of those God-awful Division III teams like Columbia and Delaware...."
For the season, Owens was a 50 percent free-throw shooter, and Onyekwe found the hole with 59 percent of his shots from the charity stripe.
But this amounts to only circumstantial evidence to the team's biggest supporter.
"This just absolutely cannot be true," said Penn Athletic Director Steve Bilsky, relaxing in his new plush leather chair. "I've known Geoff for five years, and he has more respect for himself, for the school and for the Ivy League than to do this.
"If anything, I'd bet that 'U' kid is behind it. First came that 360 at Princeton, and now he's concentrating in Legal Studies."
According to the FBI, though, the evidence is overwhelming.
Against then-No. 9 Seton Hall in December, the criminally minded duo combined to hit 5-of-13 (38%) at the line, but 16-of-27 (59%) from the field. Onyekwe even blatantly bricked a free throw with 1:04 remaining and a chance to put Penn in front. The Quakers went on to lose, 80-78.
"There is just no way these two characters can do so well with Eddie Griffin in their faces, and so poorly with nothing between them and the basket," FBI spokesman Shaun W. May said. "While we know the public won't initially believe us, we have them conspiring on tape."
Indeed, recordings produced by the FBI seem to slam-dunk a guilty verdict, as the pair can be heard discussing point spreads and game scenarios in detail.
One clip, allegedly recorded the day before Penn took on Big 5 rival Temple, goes as follows:
Owens: "Yo man, we six point dogs to dat ol' fool Chaney! Ain't no way I'm gonna let us cover that shit! That's prime-time!"
Ugonna: "Very true, my dear Owens. This is a bloody marvelous opportunity to pick up a few shillings. That Sagarin chap sure makes life easy for us. We may even procure 1, 000 dollars for this work."
Owens: "Yeah, a whole 'G', yo. Dat's phatty! Mo-money!"
As it turns out, Owens went 0-for-2 from the line against the Owls, but a mediocre Penn squad did not need his help, falling well short of covering the spread in a 74-60 drubbing.
Reaction across the Ivies ran the gambit between shock and disbelief at news of the arrests.
"It's another Penn-Princeton conspiracy keeping my team down," sputtered delightfully pocket-sized Dartmouth coach Dave Faucher, as he took a deep swig from an unmarked bottle.
"I don't know what to say," said Cornell coach and former Penn assistant coach Steve Donahue. "But guilty or not, that airball Geoff threw up in Hanover was still pretty sweet. Heh-heh."
Those closest to the pair in West Philadelphia are as surprised as anyone by these middle-of-the-night developments.
"I still don't want to believe it's true," said Diana Caramanico, Owens' girlfriend, and the best damn ballplayer to ever play at Penn. "But I guess I suspected something was up when Geoffy-poo stayed on that stationary bike all day in practice, talking on his Motorola two-way-pager."
While Owens and Onyekwe are learning the rigors of prison life and could not be reached for comment, teammates were quick to come to their defense.
"I can't believe the FBI is even considering this might be true," said David Klatsky, Penn's anti-shooting guard. "Sure, I always wondered what they were doing when they talked amongst themselves in the corner during timeouts. But I'm just 5'7", so I can't get up there to listen."
Owens and Onyekwe will be arraigned on April 15 and face six-to-nine years in prison. But by the grace of incomprehensible NCAA rules, they will retain their eligibility if convicted.
Upon hearing this news, Dunphy immediately hit the bottle, and also began applying for a fifth year of eligibility for "U".
"I've got to cover all my bases, if you know what I mean," said Dunphy, stroking his long, thin, handlebar mustache. "If U ends up plea bargaining, he'll be free in time for Temple in 2003!"
(04/02/01 9:00am)
Penn men's track coach Charlie Powell once again defamed his team and, once again, his team proved him wrong.
At Indoor Heptagonal Championships in February, Powell said that his team would be lucky to finish in the upper half. The Quakers turned in an amazing performance, finishing second only to national power Princeton.
Before last weekend's Raleigh Relays, Powell had another prediction.
"I really don't think we have a shot to do anything," Powell said before the meet. "I mean, we're up against top national competition.... I can guarantee we won't even score any points."
Apparently the Quakers were pissed. They sprinted, jumped, hurdled, vaulted and steeplechased to a victory, narrowly defeating perennial national champion Arkansas, 144.5-144.
The victory by the Red and Blue was even more surprising because Powell said that several members of his team, notably seniors O'Neil Bryan (back spasms) and Bryan Kovalsky (amnesia), juniors Tuan Wreh (hip contusion) and Gene Sun (whooping cough), and sophomores Sam Burley (fractured leg) and Brian Abram (hit by an errant discus toss), were all injured.
"Yes, we're rather depleted right now," Powell said the Thursday before the meet. "I mean, Burley has a broken leg. He ain't runnin'."
All six "injured" Quakers turned in first-place finishes. Bryan won the 110 hurdles, Kovalsky won the 3,200, Wreh won the long and triple jumps, Sun won the 110 meter dash, Burley won the 800 and Abram won the 400.
Penn freshman Adam Chubb, a key member of the stellar Red and Blue basketball team, won the high jump and set a school record in his first-ever meet with a leap of 7'6". He had some insight into why the Quakers performed so well.
"Wow. I mean, you just can't stand for that kind of defamation," Chubb said. "Man, if Dunphy ever said anything like that, Jon Tross, our super-mega-he-man-of-an-enforcer, would have kicked his ass. Badly."
Chubb did not expound and say whether or not the basketball team would have been able to pull out a victory.
"Yeah, I was a bit surprised," Burley said. "I mean, on Thursday, it was either get my leg amputated, or run in this meet. I think I made the right choice."
All calls to Powell's house were met with his answering machine, featuring his 5-year old daughter.
Penn women's assistant coach Tony Tenisci had some comments on the meet.
"Charlie's a very, very wonderful coach. And they're a very, very wonderful group of kids -- just like the women's team," Tenisci said. "They try so very, very hard, and are a very, very great group of kids -- again, just like the women's track team... and all of Penn sports... and the human race in general."
Tenisci then started talking about the Mr./Ms. Penn contest for a few hours, after which The Daily Pennsylvanian reporter simply stopped listening.
"Of course we were motivated by coach's words.... I mean, he said we were going to lose to Drexel," Wreh said. "No one on Penn's campus will stand for that. I mean Drexel, come on. Have you seen how ugly their buildings are? Have you seen how ugly their girls are?"
(04/02/01 9:00am)
Watch out, Ivy League.
No. 10 is coming back.
Penn Athletic Director Steve Bilsky, the leader of a series of great Penn men's basketball teams in the early 1970s -- including the 1970-71 squad that went 28-1 -- announced yesterday that he has one year of eligibility remaining to play basketball and will do so next year as the Quakers' starting point guard.
"This is a great day for Steve Bilsky," Bilsky said yesterday at a press conference held on the floor of the Palestra. "I was told there were a few snafus down at the Registrar's Office, that I failed two or three, or seven classes my senior year. As such, I haven't officially graduated, so I'm back in school and I'm back on the team!"
Bilsky added that he was selling his home and moving his family into a single in Goldberg College House in the Quad.
"These classes you kids have nowadays are pretty tough!" he said, chuckling. "Fluid Dynamics? What the hell is that? A class about indoor plumbing?
"There's not going to be much partying for old Stevie next year," Bilsky added with a sigh.
Even though Bilsky has named himself to the team next year, it remains to be seen whether the NCAA will accept his explanation, or if it will punish the Quakers if he takes the court.
"Frankly, Mr. Bilsky's assertion that he has a year of eligibility left to play basketball is delusional, and downright irresponsible," said Julie Roe-Sumner, head of the NCAA administrative review panel in charge of waivers. "Considering that he is still the athletic director at Penn, Mr. Bilsky's decision to put himself on the basketball team constitutes a serious conflict of interests."
Roe-Sumner added that there was a good possibility that all of the Quakers' games next year would be considered losses by the NCAA.
Even with this piece of information, Penn men's basketball coach Fran Dunphy is pleased with the news.
"I am very glad that Steve will lead our backcourt next year," Dunphy said. "It'll give me a chance to put that chump Klatsky on the bench."
"I echo Fran's sentiments," Bilsky said. "And just because I'm his boss and could see to it that he never works again, doesn't mean I should automatically be given the starting job. I have to win it next year. I don't expect any special treatment. Likewise, just because I know where he lives and where his kids go to school, doesn't mean I should be allowed to take the shot every time I have the ball. Steve Bilsky is a team player."
After a 10-minute hiatus in the press conference, Bilsky reemerged in his uniform from 1971 and started demonstrating his basketball acumen for the gathered media.
"These unis the kids wear now, they're way too baggy. This is the way it's supposed to be -- nothing left to the imagination!" he said, pointing to his skin-tight outfit.
After Penn forward Koko Archibong leaned over to whisper something in Bilsky's ear, the patriarch of the Quakers responded, "It's supposed to be showing! That's the point!"
Bilsky then showcased the moves that he feels will return Penn to glory next year, including what he called the "set shot," the "dribble" and the "forward pass."
"We are going to be really, really good next year," he said. "We didn't have any chemistry last season. Next year, my middle name will be "Chemistry."
He added that the paperwork that will make that change is still being processed down at City Hall.
Bilsky then began running laps around the Palestra as a weird cacophony of pops and groans puzzled those in attendance.
"Yeah, that'll happen," he grunted. "Just gimme a couple months to get into shape."
(04/02/01 9:00am)
After posting a mediocre 6-7 dual-meet record in its 2000-2001 campaign, the Penn wrestling team had hoped that it would return to its winning ways of years' past next season.
But now, that light of hope is slowly fading.
Penn senior Yoshi Nakamura announced yesterday that he will be foregoing his fourth year of wrestling eligibility to join the World Wrestling Federation.
"They offered it to me, and I thought, `This is such a great opportunity,'" Nakamura said. "After all, professional wrestling is the number one rated cable television program in the country. Woo-ha. Rednecks will worship me."
Among other reasons for his decision, Nakamura cited problems working with Penn coach Roger Reina.
"Coach screwed me over," Nakamura said. "Brett Matter became a National Champion. Brandon Slay became an Olympic Gold Medalist. I have their talent, but when I came to Penn and all I got was this lousy All-American status."
As a result of his decision, Nakamura will drop his Global Analysis and Accounting concentrations and graduate this spring with only a dual concentration in Finance and Management from the Wharton School.
Quite unexpectedly, the 4.0-student, who appeared destined for investment banking, is passing up job offers from Morgan Stanley-Dean Witter and JP Morgan.
Instead, the 157-pounder from Elyria, Ohio, is excited about the opportunity to have his very own WWF signature move that will be recognized by fans across the country.
"I can't wait to get a signature move, like the `People's Elbow' or `The Stunner,'" Nakamura said. "And then do one of those eyebrow raises. The Rock thinks he's so great cause he can do that. Well guess what? So can I. So there."
And while Nakamura's judo coach Tadaki Hata questioned the rationality of the decision, he stood by his former pupil.
"In Japan, sumo wrestling is one of the most respected professions in the country," Hata said. "In America, it seems that professional wrestling commands a similar amount of respect. He is a great wrestler - I'm sure he will do well."
Reina, on the other hand, was a little disappointed, to say the least.
"Patience is the key to success," Reina said. "And also, practice makes perfect. And also, defense wins championships and national titles."
Nakamura is the second Penn wrestler to consider forfeiting a fourth year of eligibility. Senior standout Rick Springman is also mulling over a WWF career.
"It's great that Yoshi's gonna be in the WWF," Springman said. "Before, I had to be nice to the guy because he was my teammate. Now, if we both join the WWF, I'm gonna get to pummel him all I want."
Freshman heavyweight Mike Faust - a teammate of Nakamura's - was a little puzzled by Nakamura's decision.
"What is he thinking?" the 240-pound Faust said. "The guy's 157. He's gonna get crushed. Now if I went pro, that would be a different story. Little baby Yoshi don't stand a chance."
Nakamura recognizes the weight discrepancy, but nonetheless feels he can't give up this chance.
"College wrestling is fun and all, but it's really too confining. Illegal holds, stalling, I mean, come on!" Nakamura said. "I can't wait to start jumping off turnbuckles and putting opponents in choke holds. And I want to do drop kicks. It's just like judo. Drop kicks. I want to do drop kicks."
Nakamura's first match will be held on July 7 at Philadelphia's First Union Center. He will face off against former boxer and current lunatic Mike Tyson, who's special move is the "Ear Bite."
(04/02/01 9:00am)
The Penn baseball team may be off to its best start in years. The Quakers may be well above .500.
But if phenom Elian Tejada lives up to his hype, then, baby, you ain't seen nothing yet.
Tejada, a former star hurler for the Cuban national team, is expected to make his Red and Blue debut tomorrow at home against La Salle.
Penn coach Bob Seddon first noticed Tejada while training for a triathlon in Cuba last summer.
"I was running by this baseball field and, holy jeez, I saw this kid on the mound who was just unbelievable," Seddon said. "I mean, he had a great fastball, a great curve, a great splitter, a great slider, a great knuckleball. He was the best pitcher since Doug Glanville. Well, Doug didn't actually pitch, but if he did, then Tejada would be the greatest pitcher since Glanville. And then I was biking later that day -- it was so damn hot that day and I was sweating so much and boy did I need some ice cream. And I tell you, that ice cream in Cuba sure is delicious. I don't know what they put in there, it must be some sort of addictive drug that makes people follow that crazy Castro kid. Now what was I saying? Oh yeah, I went by the same baseball field, and there Tejada was again, and I said, damn, that kid is really something. And then I was swimming later that day -- I'm really quite a swimmer, too. One time I challenged Glanville to a swimming race. Is that what you call them? Swimming races? Or are they swim-a-thons? Well, I won and that was really something. Now what was I saying? Oh yeah, I swam by Tejada and I said to myself, wow, this kid is incredible. And then, his initials, E.T., wow, he's an extraterrestrial. He's the best pitcher in the world, you know? He's the best pitcher since one of those Klingons on Star Trek. They had to have been good pitchers, right? I mean, they were so scary-looking. They gave me nightmares. I was crying. If they were on the hill, they'd make the batter soil his shorts for sure. There's no way those batters could hit those Klingons..."
Seddon, however, had no idea there was a chance Tejada might matriculate until last December, when the 18-year old Cuban defected.
"I want to be Alex Rodriguez and Ivan Rodriguez and Felix Rodriguez," Tejada said. "And Castro won't let me so I stick it up the El Presidente ass."
Tejada, the top-ranked student in his class in Cuba, quickly took the SATs and scored a 1600. Thus, Tejada had little trouble being admitted into Penn, although by NCAA rules, he was not eligible to compete until April 1.
Tejada would have pitched yesterday, but he didn't feel like it.
Tejada has been clocked at 101 miles per hour on the radar gun and throws seven different pitches. He was 24-0 with a 0.69 ERA for Cuba last year.
"He's great," Penn pitching coach Bill Wagner said.
"He's great," Penn outfielder Chris May said.
"He's great," Penn pitcher Mike Mattern said.
"He's horrendous," said Penn closer Nick Barnhorst, a Daily Pennsylvanian sports writer who is 6'3", weighs 195 pounds and is a San Diego, Calif., native, a Lawrenceville Prep graduate, a Delta Kappa Epsilon brother and a shithead.
Tejada will start against the Explorers tomorrow afternoon. Elian Gonzalez will throw the first pitch, to catcher and ex-Attorney General Janet Reno. Seddon expects a sell-out crowd.
"Everyone's going to be there. Doug Glanville's going to be there," Seddon said. "No, it doesn't matter that Glanville's got a game in Florida. Glanville's going to be there. Why wouldn't Glanville be there? Why wouldn't he want to see the greatest pitcher since him? I know Glanville wasn't a pitcher, but if he was..."
(04/02/01 9:00am)
The Penn women's basketball team played the entire 2000-2001 season with one goal in mind -- to have a banner raised in the Palestra in honor of its first Ivy League championship.
And with a 14-0 conference record, the Quakers did capture the title, but they learned yesterday they will have no banner to commemorate their season in college basketball's most historic gym.
Penn officials announced last night that the southwest rafters of the Palestra, which are presently empty, will remain that way so there will be room for banners to recognize future championships won by the men's team.
"It was a very difficult decision, but one we felt we ultimately had to make," Penn Athletic Director Steve Bilsky said. "The women's team had a sensational year and it deserves a lot of credit, but when people think of the Palestra, they think of men's basketball."
Penn men's coach Fran Dunphy, who declined to comment, is rumored to have influenced Bilsky's decision, but close confidants rushed to the defense of their friend.
"Everyday he comes to me and buys a breakfast burrito," Mexican food truck operator and venture capitalist Mike Guerrera said. "That's all I'm saying. He's a class act."
Despite the swirling controversy, the Penn women will still be honored at another locale. A banner will be hung from a fence post at the basketball courts above the 38th Street parking garage.
Most of the women seemed to accept the idea.
"I just try to do what's best for the team," senior co-captain Erin Ladley said. "It doesn't matter where the banner will be, or that we even have one, because we know what we accomplished."
Caramanico, Penn's other co-captain, appeared uninterested by the whole discussion.
"I just don't understand why everyone's paying so much attention to this," Caramanico said. "Soon I'll be playing for the New York Liberty and my former teammates will be clinging to old college memories. It's just sad really."
But the Penn coaching staff felt differently about the situation. Head coach Kelly Greenberg and assistants Joe McGeever and Dayna Smith were outraged by the idea of not having the championship banner raised in the Palestra.
All three suggested that it was extremely unfair for the team to play all of its home games in the storied arena, and then be shunned by its administrators.
"I personally take offense to what they're doing to our team," an angry Greenberg said. "I've seen that area by the 38th Street courts and it's not a suitable location for us to be honored for the greatest season in the program's history."
The Red and Blue will have their official ceremony at the 38th Street court on opening night next fall, and will then lead their fans en masse along Locust Walk to the Palestra for the first game.
(04/02/01 9:00am)
In the past three seasons, the Penn women's soccer team has been led by three different coaches -- and marked improvement has been noted every year.
Two years ago, the Quakers advanced to their first-ever NCAA Tournament under first-year coach Andy Nelson, and last season, the Red and Blue finished their season with an ECAC title, led by first-year coach Darren Ambrose.
With this in mind, Penn Athletic Director Steve Bilsky has announced a shocking plan for the future. In hopes of continued success, Bilsky will hire a new coach every season for at least the next 10 years.
"We're going to try this out. A new coach each year has worked recently, so why should we change anything?" Bilsky said in a press conference yesterday. "It will be our 10-year plan. We're all very excited about it."
According with the plan, head coach Darren Ambrose was let go yesterday.
However, the first-year coach did not seem remorseful about his departure from Penn.
"Hey, what do I care -- I'm the goalies' coach with the Philadelphia Charge," Ambrose said. "That's a professional soccer league. It's like the equivalent of the NBA. Hey, I'm the equivalent of Phil Jackson. Hey, you guys can still call me if you want. Just make sure you refer to me as Mr. Phil Jackson."
For the upcoming fall season, Bilsky has already begun his search for a new head coach. However, he has run into some difficulty trying to lure coaches to Philadelphia for just one season.
"Yeah it's a little tough, but I'll get the job done," Bilsky said. "I can always lure them with shiny red cars and prostitutes and stuff. Or, worse comes to worst, I can kidnap their mothers."
Bilsky already has a short list of candidates for the job, highly touted prodigies such as the assistant coach of the McNee Street club soccer team and the head soccer mom of the Yorktown Class B travel team.
However, Bilsky noted the trouble of keeping up the high level of coaching throughout the next 10 seasons, citing the fact that the crop of talent would simply wear thin after a few years.
"Sure, five years from now, a lot of the best candidates will be gone," Bilsky said. "But I got a couple of tricks up my sleeve. Take for instance, Fred the Bum. He's a Philadelphia guy, knows the area and knows nothing about soccer. The 2007 soccer team will be in good hands. Man, I'm a genius."
Fred the Bum, a resident of a cardboard box outside Wawa, could not be reached for comment, but was witnessed kicking a beer bottle across 38th street into oncoming traffic.
Bilsky's genius, however, does not impress the women on the team. In fact, the soccer players think the plan sucks.
"If I wanted a new coach every year, I would have played for the Clippers," said junior Sarah Campbell, who will play for her fourth coach in four seasons. "It's ridiculous. How do we plan on getting recruits with a different coach every year? Bilsky's a moron and I'm not afraid to say it."
"I'm utterly, completely and totally devastated," senior Kelli Toland said of the change. "But besides that, shit's good."
Upon hearing the news, seven women's soccer players have quit the team and another -- freshman Heather Issing -- has decided to try out for the football team.
"Yo without that short, scraggly voiced Jewish kid, I think I got a shot," Issing said referring to the graduation of senior placekicker Jason Feinberg. "I can kick the ball like a motherfucker."
With the team in shambles, it is all but certain the Quakers will not repeat their recent success.
But Bilsky still has his eyes on Fred the Bum in 2007.
(04/02/01 9:00am)
NEW YORK -- In a move that saved the baseball world both time and money, the Minnesota Twins have suspended all baseball operations and announced that they are content to wait for an anticipated work stoppage in 2002.
"We've got two things -- Jack and shit, and Jack just left town," longtime Twins manager Tom Kelly said. "There's really no point in playing this season, not if we're going to be forced to trade Brad Radke to the Yankees for a club sandwich. Unless it's a turkey club. But that's highly unlikely."
Kelly added that Twins players will be able to return to jobs that will make them more useful to society, such as roadkill scrapers and Army test subjects.
New York Yankees owner George Steinbrenner, fresh off of Saturday's announcement of a new multi-billion dollar marketing agreement with Satan, attacked the Twins.
"How are we going to pad our schedule now?" the Boss said from his new throne at the side of the Prince of All Lies in the city of Dis in Hell. "Now we have to play Chicago more. I'll have to see if Old Nick here can do anything."
Lucifer, sitting stop a mountain of skulls, said he'd look into it.
"We'll see about this pathetic creature 'Tom Kelly' and his 'Twins,'" the Devil said. "I will tempt him with the gold of a thousand kingdoms.
"Every man has his price," he added, rubbing his hands together menacingly.
(04/02/01 9:00am)
In a sign that Penn's building projects are spiraling out of control, Penn President Judith Rodin announced yesterday that in order to fund the completion of Huntsman Hall, the University is eliminating the 10-year budget for club sports.
In a closed door session of the University Trustees, Rodin revealed that the new Wharton building has suffered from massive cost overruns, and that in order to avoid defaulting on a loan, the University has been forced to make drastic reductions in its budget.
"Club sports have been a drag on the University budget for a long time," Rodin said. "Plus, when we ask students, most of them have never been to, nor want to go to a club sports game."
Teams ranging from the aikido club to the tennis club will lose funding as of next September. All club sports teams interviewed were dismayed at the news that the University will no longer fund their activities.
"This in an outrage!," roller hockey club president Fritz Hannigan said. "Playing roller hockey in the streets of West Philly is expensive! Our club has to buy skates, sticks, and helmets, not to mention Kevlar body armor. Does Rodin really expect us to pay for all of that?"
However, not all students were upset to hear of the loss of club sports.
"Every day I walk down the hall and there are club sports flyers everywhere wanting me to do this or join that. Sometimes I get so angry I rip them off the walls and mail them to President Rodin," said a Wharton student who wished to remain anonymous. "Now I know the University is listening."
Despite the loss of funding, a number of club sports have resolved to find money elsewhere.
"If the University won't fund us, we will find other means of raising money," women's club soccer captain Julie Portman said. "The whole team hooks up pretty much every weekend. Now we'll just do it for money."
The University is also planning to offer options to students who can't imagine life at Penn without club sports.
"The Bioengineering Department is looking for young candidates to participate in its suspended animation program," Penn Provost Robert Barchi said. "Ten years from now we'll wake you up and you can play sports like nothing ever happened."
The University said that while, for the moment, the elimination of club sports will be sufficient to balance the budget, students should be prepared for further cuts in the coming months. Penn has discussed outsourcing Gimbel Gymnasium to the Sweat athletic franchise, as well as converting portions of Rosengarten Reserve into an Indian casino.
"The Pennsylvania Indians were run off Penn's property in the 1600s in the cruelest of ways. And in the 1800s they built Van Pelt Library over what was formerly an Indian grave site," Penn History Professor Bob Bunsen said. "The University believes it would only be fair to build and operate a casino in Rosengarten Reserve to commemorate their struggle."
