W. Fencers foiled by recent arrests

Three members of the Penn women's fencing team were arrested yesterday on charges of illegal weapons possession. Upon returning from practice at around 9:00 p.m. last night, Kim Linton, Abby Lifter and Lauren Staudinger were walking along Spruce Street when a patrol car pulled up next to them and immediately arrested the three young women. Police Officer Hector Cervoza offered an explanation for the arrest. "Man, I just got back from busting a crack whore. She was actually pretty hot. I was sad to put such a fine piece of ass behind bars. Anyway, I was just driving along and I saw these three white girls with swords and I overhead one saying that she was 'in bitch-mode and going out for blood.' Man, what was I supposed to do? This is Philly. I want the streets safe for my children and my children's children and for hot crack whores. I ain't gonna stand for that shit." The three women are currently being held without bail at the Crown Fried Chicken on 40th and Market. Penn fencing coach Dave Micahnik was disappointed with the arrest. "These girls have to learn to step up in big-time situations," Micahnik said. "They see a cop, they have to make a move -- run, attack, whatever. That's the reason these girls don't perform well in NCAAs. They have to listen to me when I tell them to be strong and assertive. I've been at this school for 65 years, I know what I'm freakin' talking about." Penn assistant coach Iosif Vitebisky was also reached for comment, but The Daily Pennsylvanian couldn't understand a word he said. Some teammates of Linton, Staudinger and Lifter, however, were amazed at the recent developments. "How could they arrest somebody for carrying a piece of sporting equipment?" Penn captain Mindy Nguyen said. "That's like arresting a baseball player for carrying a bat or a lacrosse player for carrying a stick or a drug dealer for carrying a couple dozen dimebags. It just doesn't make sense." The DP then ventured into the ghetto to interview the trio of fencers who are being held hostage. "It's simply absurd," Linton said. "We did nothing wrong. We went to practice and came home. That's it. Absolutely nothing wrong." "I like the chicken," Staudinger added. The trial date is currently scheduled for next Monday. Micahnik, who got a B+ in Legal Studies 101 when he was a Penn undergraduate in 1923, will serve as the women's lawyer. The Penn coach, however, was overheard making a remark that does not bode too well for the young ladies' chances of acquittal. "Man, I just love those prison movies. You know, with those hot lesbians on Cinemax," Micahnik said. "Those girls in prison would be hot. I mean, hot. But I'll do my best to get them acquitted. Although prison would be really, really cool."

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