The Cuban phenom

The Penn baseball team may be off to its best start in years. The Quakers may be well above .500. But if phenom Elian Tejada lives up to his hype, then, baby, you ain't seen nothing yet. Tejada, a former star hurler for the Cuban national team, is expected to make his Red and Blue debut tomorrow at home against La Salle. Penn coach Bob Seddon first noticed Tejada while training for a triathlon in Cuba last summer. "I was running by this baseball field and, holy jeez, I saw this kid on the mound who was just unbelievable," Seddon said. "I mean, he had a great fastball, a great curve, a great splitter, a great slider, a great knuckleball. He was the best pitcher since Doug Glanville. Well, Doug didn't actually pitch, but if he did, then Tejada would be the greatest pitcher since Glanville. And then I was biking later that day -- it was so damn hot that day and I was sweating so much and boy did I need some ice cream. And I tell you, that ice cream in Cuba sure is delicious. I don't know what they put in there, it must be some sort of addictive drug that makes people follow that crazy Castro kid. Now what was I saying? Oh yeah, I went by the same baseball field, and there Tejada was again, and I said, damn, that kid is really something. And then I was swimming later that day -- I'm really quite a swimmer, too. One time I challenged Glanville to a swimming race. Is that what you call them? Swimming races? Or are they swim-a-thons? Well, I won and that was really something. Now what was I saying? Oh yeah, I swam by Tejada and I said to myself, wow, this kid is incredible. And then, his initials, E.T., wow, he's an extraterrestrial. He's the best pitcher in the world, you know? He's the best pitcher since one of those Klingons on Star Trek. They had to have been good pitchers, right? I mean, they were so scary-looking. They gave me nightmares. I was crying. If they were on the hill, they'd make the batter soil his shorts for sure. There's no way those batters could hit those Klingons..." Seddon, however, had no idea there was a chance Tejada might matriculate until last December, when the 18-year old Cuban defected. "I want to be Alex Rodriguez and Ivan Rodriguez and Felix Rodriguez," Tejada said. "And Castro won't let me so I stick it up the El Presidente ass." Tejada, the top-ranked student in his class in Cuba, quickly took the SATs and scored a 1600. Thus, Tejada had little trouble being admitted into Penn, although by NCAA rules, he was not eligible to compete until April 1. Tejada would have pitched yesterday, but he didn't feel like it. Tejada has been clocked at 101 miles per hour on the radar gun and throws seven different pitches. He was 24-0 with a 0.69 ERA for Cuba last year. "He's great," Penn pitching coach Bill Wagner said. "He's great," Penn outfielder Chris May said. "He's great," Penn pitcher Mike Mattern said. "He's horrendous," said Penn closer Nick Barnhorst, a Daily Pennsylvanian sports writer who is 6'3", weighs 195 pounds and is a San Diego, Calif., native, a Lawrenceville Prep graduate, a Delta Kappa Epsilon brother and a shithead. Tejada will start against the Explorers tomorrow afternoon. Elian Gonzalez will throw the first pitch, to catcher and ex-Attorney General Janet Reno. Seddon expects a sell-out crowd. "Everyone's going to be there. Doug Glanville's going to be there," Seddon said. "No, it doesn't matter that Glanville's got a game in Florida. Glanville's going to be there. Why wouldn't Glanville be there? Why wouldn't he want to see the greatest pitcher since him? I know Glanville wasn't a pitcher, but if he was..."

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