NEW YORK -- In a move that saved the baseball world both time and money, the Minnesota Twins have suspended all baseball operations and announced that they are content to wait for an anticipated work stoppage in 2002. "We've got two things -- Jack and shit, and Jack just left town," longtime Twins manager Tom Kelly said. "There's really no point in playing this season, not if we're going to be forced to trade Brad Radke to the Yankees for a club sandwich. Unless it's a turkey club. But that's highly unlikely." Kelly added that Twins players will be able to return to jobs that will make them more useful to society, such as roadkill scrapers and Army test subjects. New York Yankees owner George Steinbrenner, fresh off of Saturday's announcement of a new multi-billion dollar marketing agreement with Satan, attacked the Twins. "How are we going to pad our schedule now?" the Boss said from his new throne at the side of the Prince of All Lies in the city of Dis in Hell. "Now we have to play Chicago more. I'll have to see if Old Nick here can do anything." Lucifer, sitting stop a mountain of skulls, said he'd look into it. "We'll see about this pathetic creature 'Tom Kelly' and his 'Twins,'" the Devil said. "I will tempt him with the gold of a thousand kingdoms. "Every man has his price," he added, rubbing his hands together menacingly.
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