W. Soccer unveils grand 10-yr. plan

In the past three seasons, the Penn women's soccer team has been led by three different coaches -- and marked improvement has been noted every year. Two years ago, the Quakers advanced to their first-ever NCAA Tournament under first-year coach Andy Nelson, and last season, the Red and Blue finished their season with an ECAC title, led by first-year coach Darren Ambrose. With this in mind, Penn Athletic Director Steve Bilsky has announced a shocking plan for the future. In hopes of continued success, Bilsky will hire a new coach every season for at least the next 10 years. "We're going to try this out. A new coach each year has worked recently, so why should we change anything?" Bilsky said in a press conference yesterday. "It will be our 10-year plan. We're all very excited about it." According with the plan, head coach Darren Ambrose was let go yesterday. However, the first-year coach did not seem remorseful about his departure from Penn. "Hey, what do I care -- I'm the goalies' coach with the Philadelphia Charge," Ambrose said. "That's a professional soccer league. It's like the equivalent of the NBA. Hey, I'm the equivalent of Phil Jackson. Hey, you guys can still call me if you want. Just make sure you refer to me as Mr. Phil Jackson." For the upcoming fall season, Bilsky has already begun his search for a new head coach. However, he has run into some difficulty trying to lure coaches to Philadelphia for just one season. "Yeah it's a little tough, but I'll get the job done," Bilsky said. "I can always lure them with shiny red cars and prostitutes and stuff. Or, worse comes to worst, I can kidnap their mothers." Bilsky already has a short list of candidates for the job, highly touted prodigies such as the assistant coach of the McNee Street club soccer team and the head soccer mom of the Yorktown Class B travel team. However, Bilsky noted the trouble of keeping up the high level of coaching throughout the next 10 seasons, citing the fact that the crop of talent would simply wear thin after a few years. "Sure, five years from now, a lot of the best candidates will be gone," Bilsky said. "But I got a couple of tricks up my sleeve. Take for instance, Fred the Bum. He's a Philadelphia guy, knows the area and knows nothing about soccer. The 2007 soccer team will be in good hands. Man, I'm a genius." Fred the Bum, a resident of a cardboard box outside Wawa, could not be reached for comment, but was witnessed kicking a beer bottle across 38th street into oncoming traffic. Bilsky's genius, however, does not impress the women on the team. In fact, the soccer players think the plan sucks. "If I wanted a new coach every year, I would have played for the Clippers," said junior Sarah Campbell, who will play for her fourth coach in four seasons. "It's ridiculous. How do we plan on getting recruits with a different coach every year? Bilsky's a moron and I'm not afraid to say it." "I'm utterly, completely and totally devastated," senior Kelli Toland said of the change. "But besides that, shit's good." Upon hearing the news, seven women's soccer players have quit the team and another -- freshman Heather Issing -- has decided to try out for the football team. "Yo without that short, scraggly voiced Jewish kid, I think I got a shot," Issing said referring to the graduation of senior placekicker Jason Feinberg. "I can kick the ball like a motherfucker." With the team in shambles, it is all but certain the Quakers will not repeat their recent success. But Bilsky still has his eyes on Fred the Bum in 2007.

Please note All comments are eligible for publication in The Daily Pennsylvanian.