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What do you think of that, Steve Bilsky? (David Lee Roth/Not The Daily Pennsylvanian)

Watch out, Ivy League. No. 10 is coming back. Penn Athletic Director Steve Bilsky, the leader of a series of great Penn men's basketball teams in the early 1970s -- including the 1970-71 squad that went 28-1 -- announced yesterday that he has one year of eligibility remaining to play basketball and will do so next year as the Quakers' starting point guard. "This is a great day for Steve Bilsky," Bilsky said yesterday at a press conference held on the floor of the Palestra. "I was told there were a few snafus down at the Registrar's Office, that I failed two or three, or seven classes my senior year. As such, I haven't officially graduated, so I'm back in school and I'm back on the team!" Bilsky added that he was selling his home and moving his family into a single in Goldberg College House in the Quad. "These classes you kids have nowadays are pretty tough!" he said, chuckling. "Fluid Dynamics? What the hell is that? A class about indoor plumbing? "There's not going to be much partying for old Stevie next year," Bilsky added with a sigh. Even though Bilsky has named himself to the team next year, it remains to be seen whether the NCAA will accept his explanation, or if it will punish the Quakers if he takes the court. "Frankly, Mr. Bilsky's assertion that he has a year of eligibility left to play basketball is delusional, and downright irresponsible," said Julie Roe-Sumner, head of the NCAA administrative review panel in charge of waivers. "Considering that he is still the athletic director at Penn, Mr. Bilsky's decision to put himself on the basketball team constitutes a serious conflict of interests." Roe-Sumner added that there was a good possibility that all of the Quakers' games next year would be considered losses by the NCAA. Even with this piece of information, Penn men's basketball coach Fran Dunphy is pleased with the news. "I am very glad that Steve will lead our backcourt next year," Dunphy said. "It'll give me a chance to put that chump Klatsky on the bench." "I echo Fran's sentiments," Bilsky said. "And just because I'm his boss and could see to it that he never works again, doesn't mean I should automatically be given the starting job. I have to win it next year. I don't expect any special treatment. Likewise, just because I know where he lives and where his kids go to school, doesn't mean I should be allowed to take the shot every time I have the ball. Steve Bilsky is a team player." After a 10-minute hiatus in the press conference, Bilsky reemerged in his uniform from 1971 and started demonstrating his basketball acumen for the gathered media. "These unis the kids wear now, they're way too baggy. This is the way it's supposed to be -- nothing left to the imagination!" he said, pointing to his skin-tight outfit. After Penn forward Koko Archibong leaned over to whisper something in Bilsky's ear, the patriarch of the Quakers responded, "It's supposed to be showing! That's the point!" Bilsky then showcased the moves that he feels will return Penn to glory next year, including what he called the "set shot," the "dribble" and the "forward pass." "We are going to be really, really good next year," he said. "We didn't have any chemistry last season. Next year, my middle name will be "Chemistry." He added that the paperwork that will make that change is still being processed down at City Hall. Bilsky then began running laps around the Palestra as a weird cacophony of pops and groans puzzled those in attendance. "Yeah, that'll happen," he grunted. "Just gimme a couple months to get into shape."

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