Diana Caraminico: The greatness of me

Hi, Penn! It's not easy for me to say this, but I am very pleased at the success that I've had as a member of the Penn women's basketball team for the past four years. I'm happiest that we got to the NCAA Tournament, and I hope that I can continue to play for many years to come. Do you really buy that "aw-shucks" garbage? I'm the best, I know I'm the best and I just pass off all that false modesty to get all of you to think that I'm a great person. At first, I didn't know who I thought I was kidding, deflecting attention to my undeserving teammates. I mean, how could they really deserve credit for me scoring 30 points? OK, maybe they could help me out by setting me up with nice passes and all, but what about my prodigious rebounding ability? That's all me. I have more rebounds than anyone in Penn history, and more points than anyone in Big 5 history. Quite simply, I am the best. No one can ever be better than me. Just look at Mandy West. She came here, thinking she was all pretty, dished out a few assists and all. But did she help me to win a championship? No. She was just holding me back. That's why Mandy West is in Greece, and I'll be in the WNBA next year, showing all of you unworthy "fans" that I, not Jackie Stiles, am the true cream of the draft class of 2001. I am the best. Those Ivy League fools triple-teamed me all year long, and I was still too good for them. I was Player of the Year, meaning that you can trace that undefeated season right on back to yours truly. "Diana's incredible," said Penn head coach Kelly Greenberg, my tagalong co-captain Erin Ladley, Penn Athletic Department lackey Carla Shultzberg, and just about everybody else who has seen me play. Well, duh. I'm incredible. Without me, Penn would be nothing. And not just the women's basketball team, but the whole darn school. Do you doubt me? What other good things have happened at this place this year? Freshgrocer? The new cinema? The men's team in the Sweet 16? Hell, no. I'm the only ray of light on this otherwise dreary wasteland of a campus. Even in sports -- damn it, even in my own household -- I'm the best. Who do you think had a better free-throw percentage this year, me or Geoff? Between the two of us, how many were first team all-Ivy honorees? Correct answer: one. Me. The best. Plus, I'm smarter than you. Is your face appearing next to your words in The Daily Pennsylvanian? Didn't think so. Are you in Wharton? Maybe. But do you understand both the intricacies of the "Texas" offense and the "Georgia Tech" offense? Unlikely. Let me make it simple for all of you who were too dumb to get into Harvard, Yale or Princeton: I am a great basketball player. The best, in fact. I am also very smart. And very pretty. I'm smarter and prettier than you, and I've fooled you with false modesty for four stinking years. I'm almost embarrassed to be the best from among you, the poor schlubs who think that they've got something going because they go to Penn. I look forward to a WNBA Rookie of the Year award and MVP award next year. I'll also be winning the Nobel Prize in Economics. You will be nothing, and the Penn women's basketball team will suffer a pathetic return to mediocrity without me. So long, suckers.

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