With Congress and the Ivy League embroiled in a fight over performance-enhancing drugs, the chairman of the House Energy and Commerce panel said Monday that all Ivy League universities should work toward a uniform testing plan to ensure that students are clean.
"Elite academic organizations should establish a single drug-testing standard that is consistent up and down the Eastern seaboard," Rep. Juana Speed said. "Banned substances used in order to enhance one's performance during a final or essay are not to be tolerated. The time has come to put an end to this mess and reclaim academics as fair competition."
Speed, of course, refers to the recent scandals involving students at universities across the United States using substances like Adderall and Ritalin to stay ahead of the ballgame. Adderall, a stimulant, is used most often to treat both ADD and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. With Adderall easily obtainable for recreational use on college campuses, students can focus for hours on the task at hand without becoming distracted. Their peers who choose to study clean are notably at a distinct disadvantage.
Speed noted that the use of performance-enhancing drugs is tainting academics and its stars. He mentioned that as current academic all-star and Penn student Al Nighta pursues a Ph.D. in molecular biology, there are questions about whether he has been aided by steroid usage.
"Do you think with Stephen Hawking, people worried about Ritalin?" Speed asked. "Of course not. Hawking was clean. There will undoubtedly be a shadow cast across Nighta's spectacular academic record as long as these rumors continue to swirl."
The House issued subpoenas to all Benjamin Franklin Scholars at the University of Pennsylvania, just two weeks after requesting that the entire Wharton Marketing Department submit urine samples. Students are noticeably shaken up at the recent curve ball thrown in their path to cushy investment banking jobs.
"But I thought it was flaxseed oil mixed with Red Bull," said Seep Deprived, an exchange student from Sri Lanka, after learning that he would be subpoenaed. "I just wanted to finish this problem set."
Observers, noting that Deprived often stayed up more regularly in the past two months, have suspected illegal substances may have played a role in his sudden perky behavior between the hours of midnight and 3 a.m.
Deprived, as you may recall, was the Penn Rhodes Scholar during the 2003-2004 school year, shattering a 30-year record of having no one in the Rhodes program. He has denied taking banned substances but noted that he received his Red Bull concoction from the Penn Area Laboratory Co-Operative (PALCO). The West Philadelphia-based company has been charged with distributing Adderall to students on the Penn campus.
Analysts say that the connection between PALCO and Deprived might lead to an eventual suspension from the University of Pennsylvania. "That will just be devastating to him," an anonymous source said. "The evidence they have is pretty strong against him, for sure. He had like a 2.8 his freshman year."
The evidence continues to grow. Last October, two anonymous students at Penn admitted to The Daily Pennsylvanian that they took Adderall in order to study for longer lengths of time. Though it is difficult to track the number of students using Adderall for recreational purposes, "some experts suggest that the fact that the drug is viewed as a legitimate one may enhance its appeal" according to The Christian Science Monitor.
"I am very confident that we will effectively rid academia of these drugs in the coming academic season," said Ivy League commissioner Dud Selig. "It is unfair to the investment banks and large legal firms of America that they don't know what they are getting."
Selig admits that there are still unresolved questions. Can testing detect all banned substances? Will students have to test clean before entering a midterm or final? If students suddenly take a leave of absence, can they be tested upon returning? All ethical questions. And all should be resolved before the start of the 2005-06 season.
Not all students seem worried, however. "I just want the student body to know," said Gregory House, an RA on a Healthy Living floor. "You don't need Adderall to get pumped up. Ephedrine works equally well."
Melody Joy Kramer is a junior English major from Cherry Hill, N.J. Perpendicular Harmony appears on Wednesdays.
