When the University announced last March that Bono would address the Class of 2004 at Commencement, I was both ecstatic and disappointed. Ecstatic because as a Dublin, Ireland, native myself, I felt there was no better choice -- the U2 frontman is the most famous Irish export ever, save for potatoes and Guinness. However, disappointment soon overcame me, as I realized I was born a year too late -- there was no way the University could possibly top that.
Also disappointing is the fact that I am graduating at the 249th Commencement ceremony. Many members of the senior class fear the University will hold back this year, waiting to bring out the big guns at the 250th Commencement in 2006. However, as a proud member of the Class of 2005, I am still holding on to the faint hope that the University will pleasantly surprise me in the next few weeks, as it mulls over potential speaker candidates for our May ceremony. Consequently, I felt it was only fair for me to offer a few suggestions. Here they are, in no particular order:
Arnold Schwarzenegger. The "Governator" is the definition of the American dream. After coming to America as a penniless Austrian immigrant, Schwarzenegger went on to marry a Kennedy, become the most recognizable action movie hero of all time and take the reins as governor of the most populous state in the union. He also has a business degree from the University of Wisconsin. Wouldn't it be great just to hear him say "The University of Pennsylvania" on May 16?
Bill Clinton. The 42nd President would have been a clear front-runner, if he hadn't given Cornell's commencement address last year. We can't take sloppy seconds from a safety school, can we?
Donald Trump. The man has it all -- the education, from Wharton no less, the ego and the hair. Oh yeah, he's also a billionaire and a media darling. The Donald could teach us all a thing or two about self-promotion and might even comp us a few rooms at the Taj. Mr. Trump, you're hired!
Oprah. This media mogul is one of the most famous (and wealthy) women in America. She also sports a degree from Tennessee State University. However, unless she gives us all free cars, I'm not sure Oprah would be the most popular choice.
Will Ferrell. How great would that be? We can all wear green hats! Although he's more famous for streaking in Old School than for his commitment to academia, this long-time SNL cast member is a University of Southern California graduate. His commencement speech would undoubtedly be the funniest in Penn history, although he did address Harvard's senior class last year. Still, it's OK to take sloppy seconds from Harvard, since they're technically better than us.
Conor Daly, C'03. Former IFC President, UA member and Daily Pennsylvanian columnist. Clearly this second-year law student at Georgetown has the qualifications, but he's a little young. We'll keep Senator Daly in mind down the road.
Donovan McNabb. If the Eagles win the Super Bowl on Feb. 6, Donovan will certainly be a top choice. If they don't, he'll likely need to have plastic surgery and enter the witness protection program. Come to think of it, the whole city might burn down. Go Eagles!
Alan MacDiarmid. Commencement is all about the celebration of academic achievement, right? By that logic, this Nobel Prize-winning Chemistry professor would be a great choice. His commitment to changing the face of science aside, students who've taken a class with him say he's a fantastic lecturer. If we're going to keep it in the Penn family, MacDiarmid is the way to go.
Jimmy Buffett. In my opinion, Jimmy Buffett has the best work/life balance in the history of mankind. The man plays concerts on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays for half the year, still makes hit records and has his hand in countless business ventures. Plus, his 1973 track "Why Don't We Get Drunk (and Screw)?" is the quintessential college ballad. Fins up Parrotheads, Jimmy's coming to town!
Mick Jagger. Although I hate to end with two musicians, Mick Jagger is the only rock frontman that could possibly hold a candle to Bono. This Rolling Stone actually received a scholarship to attend the London School of Economics but dropped out to become a rock star. Of all the candidates, Sir Mick offers perhaps the best advice to graduating seniors -- "you can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need."
At least now the administration knows what I want. Hopefully we'll all get what we need when the University chooses the 249th commencement speaker.
Conor O'Callaghan is a senior in the Management and Technology program from Scottsdale, Ariz. The OC appears on Fridays.
