News Whups Sports in Kamin Cup

and DANIEL GINGISS It was a day Dwayne Sye "Fry Guy" will not soon forget. In the annual Daily Pennsylvanian Kamin Cup tournament, Sye and the News/34th Street staff trounced the Sports staff, 7-0, to continue its two-year dynasty. Sye broke the scoreless tie by catching the game-winning touchdown pass from News/Street quarterback Scott "Half" Gallin. Sye said the touchdown "was all in a day's work" and that sophomore wide receiver Miles Macik should fear losing his newly established touchdown record. "Sye is Rudy," said News/Street coach Josh Tyrangiel. "He does not have a shred of athletic ability and it didn't matter." "Whoomp, there it is," Triangle added, in a display of orgasmic pride over the victory. The News/Street-Sports championship game was preceded by a qualifying game between the Sports and Business staffs. In that game, Sports was leading 21-7 when Business forfeited due to an injury to one of their star players. "For the amount of time she spent on the ground, she better be in the hospital," said Sports player Jason "Felon" Liss. "The whole game was ridiculous." Coach Tri echoed Liss' statements, noting that the Championship game was equally ridiculous. "This year's level of play reached a new nadir in athletic ability," he added. "I can't think of one particular play that couldn't have been made by marginally-active third graders. It was sad, it was pathetic, it was DP athletics." Tyrangiel said that Gallin and News player Danny Gingiss "Kahn" had great games, adding that Gingiss "really has a future in the game." Triangle would not comment on the fact that his contract as coach will not be extended for next year, except to say that he felt "like Vince Lombardi being carried off that Super Bowl field" because he too has never lost a Kamin Cup game in his career. Kamin Cup tradition calls for at least one woman per team to be on the field at all times. Jordana "Blow Your" Horn, one of News' female players along with Beth "Critter" Tritter and Sabrina "Baskin" Rubin, said she felt the women made all the difference in the game. "It was a true honor [to play in the game]," Horn said. "If women were on the Phillies, they would have won, too." Lance "Benedict" Allred, said he didn't care much about the game. "I'm just glad I get to be a Swami now," he said, referring to the bribe he received from the Sports team to defect from the News/Street squad, before the game. "That's the only reason I work for the paper." Sports co-Coach Dan "Weenie" Feldman denied the bribery charges, saying that "if we played them again tomorrow, we'd beat them." Daily Pennsylvanian Football League Commissioner Stephen "Horn" Glass summed up the day's activities. "It was a wonderful day of sportsmanship and a great continuation of this age-old tradition." He added that the game should have had a third half.