COLUMN: Wherever they may roam

From Daniel Fienberg's, "The Flen Print," Fall '97 From Daniel Fienberg's, "The Flen Print," Fall '97 There's nothing like a close football game. They provide a genuine excuse to scream yourself hoarse and to get close to that attractive person next to you. If you are into ruptured voice boxes and copping cheap feels (the official trademarks of the Clinton), today offers another golden opportunity. It's the concert city officials didn't want you to see?For one day and one day only? Metallica. Back when I was younger, I actually would wear black all the time. Of course I was wearing those nifty sports caricature T-shirts that were popular in the late '80s. I had Mario Lemieux with his huge forehead, and Wayne Gretzky with his prodigious nostrils and and ironman Cal Ripken Jr. and his exaggeratedly bald pate. All in black. Yup. I was a headbanger. And I remember the joy of going to a huge arena to see those Masters of Puppets. Well, actually it was more of a vicarious joy. The first concert I saw as a child was ExposZ (hey, they were cool then, and Oaktown 3-5-7 opened for them), but Metallica had played the night before and no one had bothered to clean up. And that means I have seen the mess that South Philly residents are afraid of. But in truth, are those vigilant neighborhood groups afraid of Metallica, or what they think the band represents? To hear the people who live around the neighborhood chatter on the local news, you would think they had pretty one track minds. "I just don't want those damn Deadheads around here. They urinate everywhere," reveals one older man whose life will likely be thrown into tumult by the free show. "They destroy things. And they urinate on our lawns," said another local activist, whose extensive collection of garden gnomes face imminent danger. "Actually, I've been to a lot of concerts, and people run through the streets singing loudly. And there's a lot of urinating that goes on," commented one terrified mother. Presumably, when Jewel is in town, her fans actually build homeless shelters, sing "Kumbaya," and ask to be invited inside to use the facilities. But heaven knows that the paucity of convenient Port-o-Potties (one on each front lawn, perhaps?) in this residential area is not such a huge crisis. After all? "Heavy metal music is the melodic personification of the devil." So claims the televangelist whose show was on too early on Sunday morning for me to resist. You know what? I couldn't have put it any better myself. Oh and I eagerly await Metallica frontman James Hetfield's fierce on-air rebuke. It isn't often that bands of this ilk are accused of being melodic. CoreStates Center officials, on the other hand, profess to a far more noble sense of concern. While they aren't worried about the tainting of young souls or defoliated patches of shrubbery, they worry about "public safety issues." And it's true. In Australia last week, a 54-year- old man was awarded $400,000 after he was attacked by what The Associated Press describes as a "berserk pig." Apparently, the guy entirely lost his sex drive. Moment of silence. I don't know about you, but I will never look at Arnold from Green Acres the same way again. And that pig from Babe (what was its name, anyway?), well, you can throw that sucker on next time I get an Arch Deluxe, because quite frankly, stuff like that just can't be tolerated. But I digress. Certainly CoreStates officials were aware of this landmark case. And if a "berserk pig" is capable of such rash, wanton destruction, imagine what a berserk Metallica fan could do. The thing is, by the time this column sees the light of day, the Metallica concert could be no more than a shattered dream. Even as Mayor Ed Rendell chuckles in amazement about the amount that Metallica's people are willing to spend on police and snipers, everyone City Council one down is obsessing about trying to cancel this fete. Fear is a sad thing, isn't it? Confusion is even sadder. Ignorance and hyperbole only make things worse. I wonder if any of these people who are trying so hard to protect their community know how tame the band is? This is not the Metallica of Kill 'Em All. Heck, these modern metal Samsons, shorn of their trademark locks, barely even rock. They aren't a retro-spectacle like Kiss. They aren't nearly as easy to laugh at as Motley CrYe. They don't really even pretend to want to devour your soul, pee on your lawn or emasculate you anymore. All reality aside, the anti-Metallica faction seems to think that a free show will quickly turn into Whitetrashstock. And maybe they're right. Since tickets were limited, that means an extra 20,000 fans will be standing outside the stadium, inevitably urinating on someone's lawn. Eh? Are we honestly saying that Bush or Counting Crows (cheap dig, I know) fans are that much worse? Or do people just go on their first instincts and on their preconceived notions no matter how lame reality is?