From Rob Faunce's "With Bells On," Winter '94 From Rob Faunce's "With Bells On," Winter '94I am really blue today.From Rob Faunce's "With Bells On," Winter '94I am really blue today.Depressed, that is. From Rob Faunce's "With Bells On," Winter '94I am really blue today.Depressed, that is. It just hit me like a falling space shuttle that every problem in this country (except for Claire Fagin's wardrobe) was caused by me. Me and my people's. You see, I am a white, Anglo-Saxon man. And we are responsible for all the unrest and discord in this country. We've kept the women down since God created apples. We've kept the blacks down since we found Africa without minimum wage. We've kept the Indians and Asians and Puerto Ricans (and anyone else in our way) down. We don't even know the correct ways to address them – is it Native Americans or indigenous peoples? Oriental, Asian, Far Eastern, Midwestern? The fact is, we're power-hungry, money-grubbing, elitist, Fascist, ignorant paragons of ivory-tower decorum. And we like it. Think about it: who rules government? No, silly, it's not Hillary. It's Bill. And Al. And a gallery of nameless, monofaced, rotund old wrinkly white men. Let's not kid ourselves: we white men have screwed everyone else over. I truly take the scumbucket cake, though. I'm also, , a gay white man. I've been spreading AIDS around (because I'm a promiscuous, wanton slut). I've been corrupting our youth, the country's morals, and my poor straight roommates. I've been buying Judy Garland albums. And I'm responsible for the success of the Village People. Yes, I'm a menace to society. Me and every gay man like me. We know not the havoc we have wreaked. I'm so ashamed.... But I'm repenting. I now know that all these choices I've made are wrong. Damn my sex! Damn my heritage! Damn, damn my sexual orientation! They're all wrong. If I could turn back time, let me tell you I would change it all. Changing my bad qualities wouldn't be that bad, either. I like women. Many of my friends are women. Women dress with more variety. And since I'm already gay, I obviously want to be a woman in the first place. So, I'd probably enjoy being a woman. Culturally, there are so many better alternatives to Anglo-Saxonism. Why, Asians can do math. Blacks are anatomically inclined (is that P.C.?). Mexicans and Cubans (and all of South America) grow damn fine cocaine and smuggle it here quite efficiently. Those groovy Arabs get to keep harems and sell oil. There are definitely perks to changing my heritage to something more oppressed than Irish-Italian. I had to pretend to be "normal" in high school, anyways, so I could probably give up being a fairy pretty easily. After all, I chose to be gay, didn't I? Just like I chose to be a white, Anglo-Saxon, Irish-Italian, Roman Catholic, white man?... Okay, I'll stop patronizing your intelligence now. I know that you know that gender and color and sexual orientation and all that fun differentiating stuff doesn't make us bad people. I think I forgot who I was talking to. I mean, you are my peers; fellow college students and folk. Ivy Leaguers. Why, we're not just educated people, we're well-educated people. I also know that you know that I was just hallucinating when people came up to me and expressed their relief that I was not angry, militant, and confrontational (unlike other token gay columnists). Why, it's like an oxymoron: only uneducated, bigoted, culturally threatened, ignorant morons would be offended by the expressions of a minority figure. And nobody like that goes here. I feel silly for having brought this whole thing up. I know that we are a deeply bonded community, with one mind against racism, reverse racism, Anti-Angloism, stereotyping, propagation of ethnic myths, repression, insensitivity, oversensitivity, and the Greek BYOB policy. Obviously we're all getting along and respecting each other. I must be just a dumb freshman. Rob Faunce is a freshman undeclared major from Manchester, New Hampshire. With Bells On appears alternate Wednesdays.
The Daily Pennsylvanian is an independent, student-run newspaper. Please consider making a donation to support the coverage that shapes the University. Your generosity ensures a future of strong journalism at Penn.
DonatePlease note All comments are eligible for publication in The Daily Pennsylvanian.
