South Street Bridge is falling down . Falling down. Falling down. South Street Bridge is falling down. My. Fair. Lady. A rapid deterioration of the already falling apart bridge has caused the structure to crumble into the Schuylkill River. "How come every time you come around my South Street, South Street Bridge wanna go down?" asked Facilities spokesman Tony Sorrentino.

Students across campus have reported a number of abuses of the Division of Public Safety's new text alert system. DPS, students say, has been sending text messages that get a little bit too personal, probing students about their weekend plans and using the letter "u" in place of the actual word.

Part of the plan for the postal lands will include a prison to house members of the Penn community convicted of crimes, administration officials said Tuesday. "With the increasing number of Penn students and faculty running afoul of the law, local facilities just can't handle the burden," said University spokesman Tony Sorrentino.

Even before the aftermath of the collapse of Bear Stearns has subsided, the credit crisis has found a fresh victim on Penn’s campus: the Student Federal Credit Union. SFCU – an entirely student-run bank – is facing imminent bankruptcy due to heavy losses.

Penn President Amy Gutmann announced yesterday that she will pose for the inaugural issue of the Penn version of Diamond magazine, the controversial Harvard-based erotica publication. The magazine, which is expected to hit campus next fall, will showcase Penn males and females posing semi-nude.

At the end of the day, Obama was believed to be just too polarizing. In an emergency meeting last night, Penn Democrats voted to revoke their March endorsement of Sen. Barack Obama (D-Ill.) in favor of Sen. Hillary Clinton (D-N.Y.). Citing increasing unease over the Rev.

This week's personality was supposed to be actor-gone-professor Kalpen Modi, better known as . oh, whatever, let's cut the crap. We didn't get an interview. Again. We'd like to say we're surprised, but honestly we're past that point. So in place of an interview, enjoy this lovely picture - the only one, in fact, we've ever been allowed to shoot.

Looking for a new place to nap? Or maybe it's a mid-afternoon booty call you want. Either way, Philly BedShare might be your solution. Starting next week, BedShare, owned and operated by Philly CarShare, will begin offering its new service - conveniently located private napping quarters equipped with plush queen-size beds scattered throughout Philadelphia.

Jonathan Katzenbach is the most recent of seven senior admissions officials to have left Penn in the last week. The officers are all reported to have left their jobs with no notice or explanation, said a University official who asked to remain anonymous. The University confirmed the departures yesterday but did not elaborate further.

The University announced yesterday that DuBois College House will not be renovated. The University will no longer even considering pursuing the dorm's much-needed renovations. In fact, the building will never be renovated, Facilities spokesman Tony Sorrentino said.

Some lessons just can't be learned without failing - twice. At least 75 percent of Wharton freshmen are currently under investigation for cheating on their Operations and Information Management 101 group projects, according to the University's Office of Student Conduct.

Unattended Theft March 28 - A Division of Public Safety official reported that an unattended Unattended Theft poster was taken from an unsecured room within the Divison of Public Safety, located at 4040 Chestnut St., at approximately 5 p.m. March 28 - An unattended complainant reported that an unattended item was removed from an unattended bag in an unsecured location somewhere between the hours of 12 a.

Sod is not the only green substance growing on King's Court English College House's recently-installed green roof. A King's Court resident was arrested yesterday after maintenance staff discovered he was growing marijuana on the college house's roof, which was completed this January.

University officials announced yesterday that Donald Trump, 1964 Wharton alumnus, donated $100 million for a new building that will be erected over the existing Steinberg-Dietrich Hall. The complex will be renamed Steinberg-Trump-Dietrich Hall. "This donation will help us make STD the campus's first skyscraper," said University spokeswoman Lori Doyle.

For the first time in Penn's history, 32 members of the Undergraduate Assembly resigned last night after College senior and newly-self-appointed UA president Jason Karsh staged a coup and gave himself power over all of the body's decisions. "Basically, Karsh refused to even consider the idea of giving up his power to next year's executive board - a decision that I, a fellow president whose power is so frequently usurpated by Congress, sympathize with," said U.

In this primary season's most heated contest so far, Democratic presidential candidates Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama came to University City for a high-stakes, late-night bowling match at Strikes Tuesday. "The primary season was just dragging on so long," said Democratic National Committee chairman Howard Dean.

*This article appeared in the 2008 Joke Issue.