NEW YORK (CITY) - When Pat Knapp left Georgetown five years ago to set up shop with the Penn women's basketball program, he gave up any shot of coaching on the floor of Madison Square Garden in the Big East Tournament. But yesterday he got a chance to return to the once-hallowed (and now desecrated) floor in a different capacity.

Steroids' hulking shadow now looms over the Ivy League. The long-awaited Bilsky Report, launched by Penn Athetic Director Steve Bilsky, was released yesterday, naming almost 50 Penn athletes with ties to performance-enhancing drugs. Notable athletes on the report were second baseman Steve Gable, whose batting average has jumped 250 points this season; women's hoops' 6-foot-2 forward Maggie Burgess, who grew eight inches in the week prior to the Quakers' season opener; and gymnast Marissa Rosen, who once beat Mark Zoller in an arm-wrestling match.

*This article appeared in the 2008 Joke Issue.

In this primary season's most heated contest so far, Democratic presidential candidates Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama came to University City for a high-stakes, late-night bowling match at Strikes Tuesday. "The primary season was just dragging on so long," said Democratic National Committee chairman Howard Dean.

For the first time in Penn's history, 32 members of the Undergraduate Assembly resigned last night after College senior and newly-self-appointed UA president Jason Karsh staged a coup and gave himself power over all of the body's decisions. "Basically, Karsh refused to even consider the idea of giving up his power to next year's executive board - a decision that I, a fellow president whose power is so frequently usurpated by Congress, sympathize with," said U.

It's very lonely at the top. A sophomore leading a board of.... other sophomores, rubbing elbows with plebes by day and controlling the media by night. But after putting out your paper of record everyday, I return home to my room in the Quad, my pockets stuffed with beer bottles.

I wish Johnnie Cochran wasn't dead. "If it doesn't fit, you must acquit," he'd say. Then he'd accuse police of racism. Very nice. And I'd be free, Flinging it up with y'all this weekend. But instead, I'm sitting in jail drinking vodka and craving borscht.

The Daily Pennsylvanian's annual gag issue has a long history, of which another chapter has been written today. Every year at about this time, tradition dictates that DP editors turn their usually proper paper into a playful parody. Although the DP used to publish a gag issue on or about April Fool's Day, the issue was moved to Washington's birthday in 1962.

University officials announced yesterday that Donald Trump, 1964 Wharton alumnus, donated $100 million for a new building that will be erected over the existing Steinberg-Dietrich Hall. The complex will be renamed Steinberg-Trump-Dietrich Hall. "This donation will help us make STD the campus's first skyscraper," said University spokeswoman Lori Doyle.

Sod is not the only green substance growing on King's Court English College House's recently-installed green roof. A King's Court resident was arrested yesterday after maintenance staff discovered he was growing marijuana on the college house's roof, which was completed this January.

Some lessons just can't be learned without failing - twice. At least 75 percent of Wharton freshmen are currently under investigation for cheating on their Operations and Information Management 101 group projects, according to the University's Office of Student Conduct.

Craig Robinson has a lot of work to do to turn around an Oregon State basketball program that went 0-18 in the Pac-10 this year. But Robinson will get to help run another - slightly less-boring - team this year. With Robinson's brother-in-law Barack Obama still needing to answer questions about whether he's "black enough," he selected Robinson to be his 2008 running mate.

The University announced yesterday that DuBois College House will not be renovated. The University will no longer even considering pursuing the dorm's much-needed renovations. In fact, the building will never be renovated, Facilities spokesman Tony Sorrentino said.

Stop the madness To the Editor: As managing editor of 123rd Editorial Board of The Daily Pennsylvanian, I tried to make the paper the best it could be. I put my heart, my soul, and all of my math major skillz into the design and content of one of the best college papers in the US.

Jonathan Katzenbach is the most recent of seven senior admissions officials to have left Penn in the last week. The officers are all reported to have left their jobs with no notice or explanation, said a University official who asked to remain anonymous. The University confirmed the departures yesterday but did not elaborate further.

This was where David Whitehurst was meant to be. The former Penn basketball player, who has not played in two years due to academic ineligibility, was a starter on an NCAA Tournament team, scored 15 points on national television against Duke in 2005 and was the Quakers' best athlete.

Unattended Theft March 28 - A Division of Public Safety official reported that an unattended Unattended Theft poster was taken from an unsecured room within the Divison of Public Safety, located at 4040 Chestnut St., at approximately 5 p.m. March 28 - An unattended complainant reported that an unattended item was removed from an unattended bag in an unsecured location somewhere between the hours of 12 a.