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(04/11/00 9:00am)
The labor monitoring organization now has 44 members schools. The Worker Rights Consortium held its official founding conference on Friday in New York, formally bringing into existence an organization that has been the subject of tremendous controversy at colleges and universities across the country. The meeting at Judson Memorial Church, near New York University's campus, brought together students and administrators from most of the WRC's 44 member colleges. Nearly all of those schools have joined in the past six weeks, which has seen a wave of protests urging colleges and universities to join the WRC. Penn has not joined the WRC, but withdrew its membership from a rival anti-sweatshop organization -- the Fair Labor Association -- in February after a nine-day sit-in by Penn Students Against Sweatshops, which opposes the FLA. Penn was the first school in the country to leave the FLA. Penn's Ad Hoc Committee on Sweatshop Labor, which is advising University President Judith Rodin on which of the two groups Penn should join, recommended two weeks ago that Rodin continue to withhold membership from both until they meet demands for increased representation for colleges and universities on their governing boards. At this point, nine of the 12 seats on the WRC's board -- including three student seats and six WRC Advisory Council seats -- have been filled. The three remaining seats will be held by representatives of member schools' administrations and will be decided on at a meeting of administrators in Chicago later this month. The FLA currently allocates only one of the 13 seats on its board to universities, with six seats going to apparel companies and six to human rights groups. According to WRC Coordinator Maria Roeper, Friday's four-hour meeting -- which was closed to the public and the media -- saw students, administrators and human rights experts involved with the WRC "airing concerns and having discussions and making sure that we're all at the same place." "People were nervous coming into this meeting," Roeper noted, saying that administrators and students from some schools came to the meeting with adversarial feelings after student-led protests on many campuses forced schools to join the WRC. At the conference, the WRC Advisory Council suggested the creation of four working groups of students and administrators to look at such issues as how factory information will be made public and how the WRC will work with human rights groups in developing countries to evaluate factory conditions. When several administrators at the meeting expressed concerns about the representation of universities on the WRC governing board, Roeper said, a decision was made to add a fifth working group to look at possible restructuring plans. The student members of the governing board -- elected nationally by USAS chapters at both WRC-member and non-member schools -- are Brown University student David Moore, University of Michigan student Peter Friedman and Purdue University graduate student Marikah Mancini. Brown and Michigan are WRC members, but Purdue is not. "The sense I got at the founding conference was one of collaboration" between students and administrators, Moore, a Brown junior, said yesterday, calling the decision to add the fifth working group on governing-board representation "phenomenally responsive." The six Advisory Board representatives include a Columbia University Law School professor, an officer of the AFL-CIO, a University of California labor policy specialist and a member of Congress. The FLA currently has more than 130 member schools, while the WRC has increased its membership in recent weeks to 44 schools, including the University of California system, which joined last week. Some schools have switched their membership from the FLA to the WRC, but others have retained membership in both groups. The WRC governing board is expected to hold its first regular meeting in June, when it may hear reports from several of the working groups.
(04/11/00 9:00am)
This year's Empty Bowls Dinner had a special significance for many of those in attendance, as it was held in memory of College junior Justin Finalle, who committed suicide late last month. For a donation of $5, participants at the third annual dinner at the Newman Center were provided with a soup-kitchen-style meal of salad, bread, a choice of vegetable or chicken noodle soup, cookies and beverages. They also received commemorative ceramic bowls made by students from nearby Episcopal Academy, symbols of the first Empty Bowls Dinner for which an artist crafted ceramic bowls for a soup kitchen. Penn Musicians Against Homelessness, Chord on Blues, and Dischord provided entertainment for the charity event, the purpose of which was two-fold: to allow students to experience the receiving end of a soup kitchen, and to raise money for the University City Hospitality Coalition. UCHC, a group of Philadelphia religious organizations, furnishes underprivileged citizens with hot meals every day throughout University City. Sunday night's dinner raised a total of $500 for UCHC. Engineering sophomore Amanda Spethman said that she and a group of Finalle's friends decided the dinner was an appropriate tribute to their friend because he felt strongly about social injustices like hunger. Finalle's roommate, College sophomore Jack Schneider, elaborated on the subject during a verbal memorial in which he noted Finalle's distress that "people in the world's richest country [did] not have enough to eat." "We hold the dinner every year, but it took on a whole new face after Justin died," said Spethman, a co-organizer of the dinner and one of Finalle's friends. During the dinner, Finalle's friends performed two songs in his memory -- Tonic's "If You Could Only See" and Sarah McLachlan's "I Will Remember You." Wharton senior Thalia Brown, who attended the event, touted it as "a great opportunity to hear campus groups perform while supporting a good cause." Wharton and Engineering freshman Christian Gaffney, who organized the event with Spethman, said "the turnout exceeded our expectations."
(04/11/00 9:00am)
It's unusual to have a room fill up half an hour prior to the scheduled start for a speaker in the Kelly Writers House. It is even more unusual to have people listen in from outside the window. But then again, it's not every day that American poet Robert Creeley, considered one of the pre-eminent living poets, comes to Penn. Creeley spoke at the Writers House last night before a filled-to-capacity crowd of more than 100 visiting scholars, professors and students. The crowd was so large that it stretched into several different rooms of the house. Creeley came to Penn as part of the Writers House Fellows program, an initiative made possible by a grant from alumnus Paul Kelly that allows students to meet face to face with important contemporary writers. Author Grace Paley came to the Writers House in mid-February as part of the same program, and author John Edgar Wideman will visit in late April. Last night, Creeley read about 15 of his poems and the works of other contemporary artists, as well. He shared some personal anecdotes, including one about how listening to a rap CD inspired him to write "Help," a poem that he then proceeded to rap. Creeley was introduced by Al Filreis, the faculty director of the Writers House, who described the poet as "the friendliest famous poet possible." College junior Leigh Esposito, a student in the Writers House Fellows seminar, told the audience that her exposure to poetry had been limited prior to reading Creeley. She said his poems, however, allowed her to see "the beauty of poetry and the power of words." "He is the most mesmerizing poet I've ever read, and one of the most direct poets there is," Esposito said after the reading. A Massachusetts native, Creeley was influenced by famous American poet and Penn alumnus William Carlos Williams. The author of numerous collections of poems -- including For Love, Pieces and The Finger -- Creeley's publishing career has spanned more than three decades. Today, Creeley lives in Buffalo, N.Y., and teaches poetry at the State University of New York at Buffalo. He has won numerous national awards and honors, including two Guggenheim Fellowships and a Rockefeller Grant. Creeley told the audience that his poetry is characterized by the use and interplay of sound and rhythm. "I was fascinated by what stringing of sounds were possible," Creeley said. Even American poet Allen Ginsberg, one of the leaders of the Beatniks, once revered Creeley's "syllable by syllable intelligence." "Creeley is an excellent poet and among the most famous contemporary poets. He perpetuates the practice of poetry and it was enjoyable to hear him speak," area poet Joanne Lichtman said. Writers House Director Kerry Sherin added, "He showed incredible sensitivity to sound and showed versatility in his poetry. His poetry is deeply American in style, highly condensed, and his poetry is my personal favorite." In addition to his open reading last night, which drew one of the largest crowds in the Writers House this year, Creeley will have brunch today with select students and professors. He will also participate in a live interview broadcast over the Internet, thereby making his comments available to people all over the world. Yesterday, he attended Filreis' seminar on "Contemporary American Literature." "Creeley was amazing in that he is really funny, witty and humble. His poetry made me think of images while I was listening to him," said Gina Renzi, a Temple University junior.
(04/11/00 9:00am)
With Madonna and Marvin Gaye blaring from the speakers and colored lights flashing, hundreds of Greeks danced the night away for charity Saturday at the Christian Association building. The Panhellenic Council, the InterFraternity Council and the Bicultural InterGreek Council co-sponsored the four-hour long Dance for a Cure, which raised $3,200 for the Rena Rowan Breast Health Center, Panhel's official philanthropic cause. Dance for a Cure was the centerpiece of Greek Weekend, a four-day series of events, showcasing fraternity and sorority life on campus. "It's great to be holding fun, non-alcoholic events and also be raising money for charity," said Panhel Executive Vice President and Phi Sigma Sigma sister Dayna Platt. IFC Executive Vice President John Buchanan agreed, citing Greek Weekend's traditional "social freeze" -- meaning that fraternities and sororities are not allowed to hold events where alcohol is served. "We want to encourage Greek houses to participate in Greek weekend events," said Buchanan, a College junior and Phi Kappa Psi brother. Juice and bagels for the dance were donated by Nantucket Nectars and Izzy and Zoe's, and Allegro's allowed the Greeks to purchase pizza at a 20 percent discount. Several area restaurants and bars also co-sponsored the event. Although the event was co-sponsored by all three Greek umbrella groups on campus, the several hundred students in attendance Saturday night were predominantly female. IFC President and Alpha Chi Rho brother Andrew Mandelbaum, a College junior, explained that although the IFC encouraged their members to attend, it did not require it. But the Greeks who did attend were very positive about the event. "Breast cancer's a great cause," said College junior Jen Maurer, a Phi Sig sister. "Since I'm in a sorority at Penn, this is a great way to support Panhel, especially since breast cancer has affected my family within the last year." The Rena Rowan Breast Health Center -- a division of the Penn Health System's Cancer Center -- is scheduled to open this fall. Panhel plans to raise more money for the center by making last fall's 5K Pumpkin Chase run an annual event. Other Greek Weekend events included a coffeehouse at the Alpha Epsilon Pi house -- which raised $872 for the Breast Health Center -- a street clean-up project in conjunction with UC Green and a field day for children in the PennPals mentoring program.
(04/10/00 9:00am)
Due to a housing shortage, all high rise rooms must accomodate one more person. Roommates will be randomly assigned. [NOTE: This article appeared in the annual joke issue.] With hundreds of students locked out of on-campus housing, the Office of Residential Living announced plans on Friday to squeeze extra people into each of the three high rises to ensure that all incoming freshmen receive housing. University President Judith Rodin ordered the move after her office received hundreds of letters and phone calls last week from parents of current students and potential incoming freshmen. The plan calls for every single in Harrison and Hamilton college houses to become doubles, while every double in Harnwell College House will become a triple and every triple a quad. Other residential halls will be unaffected. Housing officials estimate that this change will add about 500 beds to the 5,272-bed program, which should relieve the pressure that this year's enlarged freshman class added to Penn's residential system. "We know this will be an inconvenience to some students, but the fact that we have to do it at all really proves how successful the college house system has been," Director of College Houses and Academic Services David Brownlee said. Students who have already obtained on-campus housing in the high rises will receive letters in their mailboxes from Brownlee this week explaining how the change will affect them. Additional roommates will be randomly assigned, he said. "We'd like to give students the chance to pick their own new roommates, but it would be a logistical nightmare," Brownlee said. Many of those roommates will likely be freshmen who do not get housing in the traditional freshman residences -- the Quadrangle, Hill College House and King's Court/English House. Brownlee said that because of an increased number of upperclassmen choosing to stay in those residences, there are fewer beds available in those dorms for freshmen. Eighteen months ago, Penn announced an ambitious plan to overhaul its entire residential system by spending more than $300 million on renovations. That plan will add 1,000 beds to the system, mostly through building new dorms in Hamilton Village. But the overhaul is a 10-year program, and Penn will not see those additional facilities for several years. Brownlee, one of the architects of the college house system, said officials were caught by surprise by how quickly the number of students wanting to stay on campus increased. Last year was the first time since 1982 that students were turned away from the housing system. In the summer, the waiting list for housing reached 200 people, mostly transfer students who in the end spent most of their first semester living in the Sheraton Hotel. Rodin acknowledged last night that the move would be unpopular, but said students should "suck it up and deal." "What would they have me say to the potential incoming freshmen? Unless we take strong action, they will go elsewhere, and you know what that means -- a lower yield rate and a lower ranking in next year's U.S. News & World Report. And then I will never achieve perfect happiness," Rodin said. Penn Students Against Housing said yesterday they were against the new plan, and will show their opposition by becoming commuter students.
(04/10/00 9:00am)
The Athletic Department has decided to switch to campus hot spot Steve and Barry's. [NOTE: This article appeared in the annual joke issue.] And1 is AndDone. Yesterday, the Penn Athletic Department announced that it was terminating its relationship with athletic apparel supplier And1 due to what Penn Athletic Director Steve Bilsky termed a "necessity on our part" to make the Athletic Department more cost-efficient. To that end, Penn also announced yesterday that it was hiring campus mainstay Steve and Barry's to outfit its various varsity and junior varsity teams. "We're very happy to be associated with Steve and Barry's," Bilsky said. "Their 'Buy One, Get 28 Free' offers are extremely difficult to turn down. Now, I can go there and buy a marked-down Spring Fling '96 T-shirt and receive enough free clothing to outfit the entire softball team." At a press conference yesterday, Penn men's basketball team center Geoff Owens modeled the new look of the Quakers. Clad in a "Not Penn State" shirt, Owens seemed happy about the switch. "Yes. I enjoy these new shirts very much," Owens said deliberately and slowly as he nervously eyed Bilsky. "'Not Penn State.' I get it. It is very amusing. What a zinger." But one Penn athlete who asked not to be identified was critical of the change. "The world made sense an hour ago!" she said, weeping in her new "I'm a Wharton Mom" T-shirt. Despite several such doubts concerning the Penn Athletic Department's plan, Bilsky defended the new uniform arrangements. "'Not Penn State!' Come on! It works on so many levels," he said. "First of all, it's true! I mean, we're not Penn State, not the last time I looked. Second, it's really, really funny! I mean, whoever thought that up must be, like, a millionaire now." After the press conference ended, Bilsky continued to justify the switch. "Listen, fencing and women's squash aren't helping to pay the bills," he said while relaxing in the Athletic Department's new office hot tub and watching The Little Mermaid on DVD. "The money to fund dozens of varsity sports has to come from somewhere. We save a ton of bones at Steve and Barry's. "Don't go into the cave, Ariel! Your father said not to!" he added. "Every time you watch this, you hope it turns out differently. But it doesn't." He paused for a moment before lifting a cigar up to his mouth. "Ahhhhhhh?" Bilsky said, a plume of smoke rising into the stuffy air of his cushy Weightman Hall office. "You know, it's almost impossible to duplicate the taste and feel of real Cubans. But I told Alanna [Wren, AD administrative assistant] and the rest of the staff to work all night if they had to, and I think they came pretty darn close." Bilsky also said that some of Penn's varsity teams would be clothed by the Athletic Department itself. "Yeah, I got a bunch of these Penn NCAA Tournament T-shirts down in Carolina, but I couldn't get rid of them," he said. "A few alums in the stands wanted them, but after that, it was like I couldn't give them away. I tried everything! I used one to wax my car, I used one as kindling to start a fire in my fireplace at home. I even put dog poo in one, tied it up, lit it on fire, left it outside of Bagnoli's office, rang the doorbell and ran around the corner. That was awesome! Oh, the hijinks that ensued! Yet, I still had more T-shirts than I knew what to do with. "But now, I am proud to say that they are the new uniforms for the Penn tennis teams. Or, do you want some?"
(04/10/00 9:00am)
SPEC canceled the two groups after learning of longstanding animosity between them. [NOTE: This article appeared in the annual joke issue.] After learning of a history of bad blood between this year's Spring Fling headline bands, the Social Planning and Events Committee announced yesterday that it will terminate its contracts with both the Roots and Ben Folds Five. The decision, announced in a press release yesterday, had been brewing for the past week, and now leaves the annual Spring Fling concert without performers with just four days until showtime. "Safety is always a top priority at our concerts and we determined that having the Roots and Ben Folds Five play at the same venue would create a hostile and potentially dangerous environment," said Fling Co-Chair Mike Silverstein, a College junior. The conflict between the two groups stems from an incident at a 1996 Penn State concert where Ben Folds Five frontman Ben Folds threw his microphone stand into the crowd, injuring three people, including a member of the Roots entourage. Since then, the two groups have had several altercations, including a small melee at the 1997 Grammy Awards. SPEC officials are now scrambling to find replacement acts for Friday night's show at Hill Field. Silverstein said yesterday that SPEC will work in partnership with Connaissance, the Speaker People, to sign a band on such short notice. Although it usually takes several weeks to make arrangements with big name musical acts, rumors that pop star Britney Spears is a possible replacement have been circulating. Spears' 1999 hit "?Baby One More Time" -- which launched her onto the music scene and made her the obsession of horny teenage boys everywhere -- is the inspiration for this year's Fling theme, Fling Me Baby One More Time. The rumor involving Spears arose after it was learned that Connaissance co-Chairman Theo LeCompte's father is the agent for the bubble gum pop diva. Silverstein refused to comment about the rumor, though he did say that "although Spears is hot she has no musical talent whatsoever." However, in an interview late last night, LeCompte -- who helps give pretentious introductions every time a big speaker comes to campus -- said he would love to see Spears work her magic at Fling. "Honestly, I'm one of her biggest fans," LeCompte said. "Her words have such meaning, such power, that I couldn't pick a better Fling performer myself. And as I am the Speaker Person, I think I can get her here." After learning of the possibility that Spears will headline Fling, members of Penn Students Against Britney staged a protest in University President Judith Rodin's office last night, burning hundreds of copies of "?Baby One More Time," and Seventeen magazine.
(04/10/00 9:00am)
[NOTE: This article appeared in the annual joke issue.] Under the pressure of the current on-campus housing shortage, members of Penn Students Against Sweatshops have decided to vacate their rooms and move into University President Judith Rodin's office on a permanent basis. Although Rodin announced plans to increase the space in the high rises, PSAS members said they did not think they could find any housing together, which they need to plan their multiple protests and play bongo drums. They added that this housing was highly convenient. "It saves us time," said PSAS spokeswoman Anna Roberts, a College freshman. "Next time Judy screws up, we'll already be there." Rodin's office will join the on-campus housing options as the 13th college house. But unlike the other houses, this option will only be available to those who check the box reading "leftist hippy radical" on their housing applications. "As long as [PSAS members] are not using my fax machine, I don't mind," Rodin said. "They better not touch that damn machine." Rodin added that should her office odor become too much to handle, she would relocate her primary office space to her estate on the Main Line. PSAS members approached University housing officials last week with their idea after hearing about the 350 students who were denied housing. "We don't really need dorm rooms," said PSAS member Harrison Blum, a College sophomore. "I mean, it's not like we take showers anyway." Brownlee said he was initially apprehensive about the plan, but agreed when PSAS suggested that Rodin's office could be considered a unique new college house. "This is another sign of the great success of the college house system," Brownlee said. He added that Jennifer Baldino will serve as house dean. "I'm looking forward to working with the whiny little brats -- er, I mean students," Baldino said. The house will also be equipped with several sets of new bongo drums and media hookups to allow for daily press conferences. Penn Students Against College Hall expressed displeasure with the new housing plans and said they are considering stealing all of PSAS' bongo drums.
(04/10/00 9:00am)
[NOTE: This article appeared in the annual joke issue.] One week after announcing that he may not return to the Penn men's basketball team for the 2000-01 season, forward Oggie Kapetanovic has signed with a professional team in Pakistan. The 6'10" Kapetanovic, who will be the tallest player in the history of Pakistani basketball, believes that he will receive much more playing time in Pakistan than he would if he decided to remain at Penn for another season. "I mean, Dunph says that I'm an important part of the team, but I don't play. You know what I'm saying?" Kapetanovic said. "And the guys who play my position are coming back next year, so where will I get my time? You know what I'm saying? I wanna play. I don't want to be a sub. You know what I'm saying? At Penn, I'm just a sub. I don't wanna be a sub. You know what I'm saying?" Kapetanovic, who is taking six classes this semester and three over the summer in order to graduate early, had originally hoped to play for a European team. Since he is a dual citizen of Yugoslavia and Canada, Kapetanovic is not subject to the limit of two American players per team that is a rule in most European leagues. Originally, he wanted to sign with one of the top leagues in Italy, Greece or Turkey. After exploring his options, however, Kapetanovic found the best option coming from the Karachi Nehrujackets in Pakistan. "We are very pleased to be signing Oggie. Very pleased," Karachi coach Vikramjit Balasubramaniam said. "Very, very pleased." Kapetanovic signed a three-year deal worth 60 camels and a lovely wife with the Nehrujackets. The only other offer he received was from a team in Iceland for $10,000 and a bike. "We wish Oggie the best of luck in whatever he does," Penn coach Fran Dunphy said. "We'd like to see him come back to Penn, but we respect what he wants to do." This past season, Kapetanovic averaged 12.9 minutes per game, scoring 3.9 points and pulling down 2.6 rebounds per contest for the Quakers. Frustrated by his lack of playing time, Kapetanovic began to think about his future during the middle of this past season. He informed Dunphy of his decision to play overseas during a meeting last week. "I just want to play, and if I stayed here, I wouldn't play," Kapetanovic said. "You know what I'm saying?" Kapetanovic will likely get a significant amount of time in Pakistan, especially because most of the league's players are under six feet tall. Many have also never played basketball before. "Oggie shall be a star for us," Balasubramaniam said. "He will block many, many shots." This year, Kapetanovic blocked just two shots, both of which came in the Quakers' 68-58 season-ending loss to Illinois in the first round of the NCAA Tournament. Kapetanovic, who transferred to Penn after spending his first two seasons at Brown, is expected to make an immediate impact for Karachi next season. In a recent pick-up game against other players in the Pakistani league, Kapetanovic scored 63 points, while recording 27 rebounds, 19 blocks and 11 assists and leading his team to a 91-6 victory over the Islamabad Cricketeers. "It definitely beats being a sub for Owens or Ugonna," Kapetanovic said. "You know what I'm saying?"
(04/10/00 9:00am)
[NOTE: This article appeared in the annual joke issue.] University President Judith Rodin misses "the way things used to be" at Penn, she said on Friday after announcing that the University's 12 college houses will return to single-sex status in the fall of 2001. "Co-ed dorms breed pregnancies and a whole lot of distractions," Rodin said. "Something must be done to prevent problems like these." The University Trustees approved the president's proposal that the campus be divided into a west campus and an east campus, with the 38th Street bridge serving as the connection between the two sides. The dorms west of the bridge -- Harnwell, Harrison, Hamilton, Gregory and DuBois college houses -- will be male residence halls, while the Quadrangle, Stouffer, Hill and King's Court/English college houses -- all east of the bridge -- will be designated for females. "Hooking up should be more of a challenge," said Rodin, who as a Penn undergraduate lived in then-all female Hill House. Under the new housing arrangement, students will not be allowed in dorms of the opposite sex between midnight and 7 a.m. Spectaguards will be charged with enforcing this rule, and will receive bonus pay for each attempted violation they report. Director of College Houses and Academic Services David Brownlee said he thinks the move will only improve the already flourishing college house system. "Really," he asked, "how much better can this program get?" Meanwhile, Rodin said she hopes the change will raise student GPAs across the board and bring back the creativity currently lacking in the student body. "When I was an undergraduate, we had to be creative to get ass," Rodin said, adding that climbing through windows and substituting pool tables for beds were common practices. Students' reactions to Rodin's news were mostly negative. College sophomore Craig Platt was practically speechless after hearing about Rodin's plans. "What the?" was all that the irate Platt said. Meanwhile, College junior Kei Yamamoto, a resident advisor on the 11th floor of Harnwell, said, "If enough students are disgusted by the new arrangement, there will no longer be a housing crunch on campus." And Sugata "Sugar" Ray, a Wharton sophomore, explained, "No one, not President Rodin, not the guards, can stop me from climbing through windows to see my lady friends in the wee hours of the morning." Penn Students Against Single Sex Housing will be holding a 24-hour orgy in Rodin's office starting today to protest the housing change.
(04/10/00 9:00am)
[NOTE: This article appeared in the annual joke issue.] Watch out Philadelphians: If you're packing on the pounds, you might have to pack your bags and head out to fat camp. Disappointed by the lack of initiative residents have taken to lose weight during his first few months in office, Mayor John Street has come up with a new way to trim the city -- mandatory exercise class. Under Street's new plan, all overweight Philadelphians will be required to attend weekly exercise classes -- much like traffic offenders must complete volunteer work -- and visit the mayor's office in City Hall once a week to be weighed. "No longer will Philadelphia be mocked as the fattest city in America," Street exclaimed. "We have to fight the fat, beat the bulge!" The program will be run out of a building slated for the former DisneyQuest construction site at Eighth and Market streets. The facility, expected to be completed in 2002, will feature several floors of exercise equipment, an indoor track and a mural of the mayor both before and after his remarkable weight loss. Yesterday's announcement is the latest of several moves by Street to clear Philadelphia of its reputation as the fattest city in America. Already the mayor has appointed a fitness czar and appeared on Oprah to speak about obesity. The exercise sessions, which Street described as a mix between upbeat aerobic dancing and strenuous toning work, will be held in unused offices across the city until the new facility opens. To determine who will be required to attend the sessions, the mayor himself will spend the next five weeks going door to door and weighing people. Street will begin walking University City streets on April 24. Street's spokeswoman Barbara Grant said she has heard only praise of the mayor's city-wide exercise plan. "The mayor spent a lot of time on City Council figuring out what this city needed and now he's putting his ideas into action," she said. "Forget schools, forget crime, Philadelphia needs to concentrate on the important issues -- like weight!" Penn students Against Exercise will be handing out donuts on Locust Walk all this week to protest Street's unfair treatment of chubby people.
(04/10/00 9:00am)
[NOTE: This article appeared in the annual joke issue.] In a move that may signal a loosening of the University's traditionally stringent drug policies, administrators have approved a measure allowing Student Health Services to prescribe "limited and prudent" marijuana use for medicinal purposes. The controversial decision was announced yesterday in a one-page statement released by SHS. Administrators "have elected to allow the prescription of cannabis to students when its use is deemed necessary for the alleviation of certain medical ailments," the statement read. The measure will take effect as soon as SHS officials find a reputable source of cannabis, as the plant is referred to when used medicinally, University spokesman Ken Wildes said yesterday. According to Wildes, the measure was formally proposed by newly appointed SHS Director Evelyn Wiener two weeks ago. But University health officials had been looking into the option for months. It then moved to University President Judith Rodin and Provost Robert Barchi, who consulted with Wiener, senior administrators and trustees. "Dr. Wiener felt very strongly about opening every possible channel to help students feel better, and the administration agreed," Wildes said. "They made a decision to get this stuff out to those who need it most." Patients suffering from a wide range of diseases, from AIDS and cancer to glaucoma and multiple sclerosis, often find marijuana to be the most -- and sometimes only -- effective treatment. Barchi, a noted neurologist, said he has supported the use of marijuana for medical purposes since his days in medical school. "It's time we drop this stigma regarding marijuana," he added. "We're not talking about blunts or bongs, we're talking about medicine here." Five states and the District of Columbia have enacted or will enact laws this year allowing restricted use of marijuana for medicinal purposes. Though Pennsylvania does not have any such laws on the books, University legal experts do not think Penn will have a problem. Phil Nichols, a Legal Studies professor, explained that in the past, institutions in similar situations have relied on the so-called medical necessity defense. "You play the good doctor role," Nichols explained. "When it comes to either harming the criminal code or harming yourself, in cases like this courts tend to side with the patients." In response to the decision, Penn Students Against Marijuana said they will smash bongs on Locust Walk tomorrow in protest.
(04/10/00 9:00am)
Kathleen Hall Jamieson and Mary Frances Berry were both hired away by Harvard's large packages. [NOTE: This article appeared in the annual joke issue.] Annenberg School for Communication Dean Kathleen Hall Jamieson and History Professor Mary Frances Berry confirmed separately on Friday that they have accepted offers to teach at Harvard University, effective July 1. The surprise announcements come only a week after History Professor Drew Faust announced she would also be leaving Penn to become the first dean of Harvard's Radcliffe Institute for Advanced Study. Jamieson, a nationally recognized expert in the field of political communications, has been dean of Annenberg since 1989. During her time in office, she has helped secure a $120 million donation from University Trustee Walter Annenberg -- the school's namesake and principal benefactor -- overseen massive renovations to the school's facilities and created the adjunct Annenberg Public Policy Center. Jamieson's second and final term as dean, however, expires next summer. At Harvard, Jamieson will direct the Shorenstein Center on the Press, Politics and Public Policy, which has been without a permanent head since the center's founding director, Marvin Kalb, left office last July. "I love the University of Pennsylvania, and accomplished here more than I ever thought possible," Jamieson said. "But my time as dean, you know, is growing short, and I could not pass up this opportunity to work with some of the brightest scholars in my field." Jamieson will also step down as head of the APPC, though she will remain a fellow at the center and continue her research into media coverage of political campaigns. Berry's departure is more of a mystery. She had been on leave from the History Department for the last year and was expected to teach her popular course on the history of American law in the fall. Berry has been involved in some controversy because of her position as executive director of the Pacifica Foundation, which received flak for its censorship of liberal on-air anchors at its flagship KPFA radio station in Berkeley, Calif. Berry said last night that the Pacifica situation had nothing to do with her decision to leave and promptly hung up the phone. Two members of the History Department faculty, however, indicated that Berry might have left because of the University's poor performance at recruiting and retaining minority students and faculty. Berry, who advises African-American students, had complained privately about Penn's failure to match Harvard's diversity despite its much-vaunted minority permanence plan. Jamieson and Berry join Faust in a long line of female professors lured away by better positions at Harvard over the last several years. Last year, English Professor Elisa New decided to leave Penn for a tenured spot on Harvard's faculty. And in 1998, the Crimson recruited Penn Law Professor Lani Guinier, a controversial figure in the civil rights community. Harvard University President Neil Rudenstine offered a simple explanation for his school's success at attracting members of the fairer sex. "I'm awfully well-endowed," Rudenstine said, referring to his school's $14 billion endowment, we think. "All the chicks can't resist the packages we offer them." Upon hearing the decision, Penn Students Against Harvard said they plan to protest the professors' leaving, by donning Harvard T-shirts and chaining themselves to the bike racks outside Logan Hall.
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[NOTE: This article appeared in the annual joke issue.] Penn Students Against Sweatshops members were stunned and tight-lipped yesterday as information continued to flow out tying the family of a current PSAS member with alleged sweatshop operations in rural West Virginia. According to documents released yesterday by the Fair Labor Association -- a monitoring group targeted by PSAS for its structural inadequacies -- the sweatshop in question was an athletic apparel factory in Cameron, W. Va., a small town about 55 miles southwest of Pittsburgh. Although the name of the PSAS member in question was not released, the FLA reports verify that a PSAS member is linked with the sweatshop. "I'm stunned. I just don't know what to say," College senior and founding PSAS member Miriam Joffe-Block said. "We'll be discussing this tonight sometime between our protest strategy session and our panel discussion on the plight of the one-armed Australian cabbage farmers." Other PSAS members refused to return repeated phone calls last night, saying they would not speak to a right-wing organization like The Daily Pennsylvanian. Information provided by the Occupational Safety and Health Administration indicates that the factory -- which produced mainly crew socks and earmuffs -- was shut down by federal authorities in 1989 for safety violations deemed "outrageously excessive -- even by West Virginia standards." "It's an absolute shame that those who claim to have such a love for human rights can possibly be associated with such horrors," FLA Executive Director Sam Brown said. "This will send a strong message -- don't fuck with the FLA." It is unknown what other connections, if any, are shared by PSAS members and the alleged sweatshop activities. "This wasn't my family involved, but I'll tell you that some things are going to be changing -- soon," said one PSAS member, who asked not to be named. PSAS gained the campus spotlight in February, when it staged a nine-day sit-in, demanding that the University drop out of the FLA and join its preferred monitoring organization, the Worker Rights Consortium. But after weeks of deliberation, the committee has thus far decided only to remain out of both organizations until a final decision can be rendered. University President Judith Rodin expressed shock at yesterday's findings -- directed especially toward the blatantly malicious nature of the allegations -- but said that the process of selecting a monitoring organization would continue without delay. "The University of Pennsylvania is committed to proactively addressing the problem of human rights abuses worldwide," she said. "Tomorrow I will appoint two ad hoc sub-committees to report to the subcommittee to report to the Provost to report to me to deal with this issue." It remains unclear what action PSAS will choose to take now, though one member suggested one specific path. "It may be time to change our focus," one anonymous member said. "As long as we have a cause -- save the whales, save the trees, save the kangaroos, whatever -- we'll be happy." Members of Penn Students Against Penn Students Against Sweatshops said they were not surprised by the news. "We knew they weren't for real," one PSAPSAS member said. The group will be wearing Nike clothing tomorrow in protest.
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[NOTE: This article appeared in the annual joke issue.] STORRS, Conn. -- In a surprising and shockingly bold move, University of Connecticut Athletic Director Lew Perkins yesterday announced the termination of three-time NCAA Women's Basketball Coach of the Year Geno Auriemma's contract. Perkins also went on to announce the hiring of first-year Penn head coach Kelly Greenberg as Auriemma's replacement. "We felt it was time for some new blood," Perkins said. "We're making a proactive move in order to prevent the stagnation of our program." Perkins, calling himself "the Jerry Krause of the NCAA" likened this move to the dismantling of the Chicago Bulls a few years ago. "Look how well that worked out," Perkins said. "Heck, they've got Elton Brand now. Kelly is like our Tim Floyd." Greenberg was surprised with the unexpected opportunity while on a recruiting trip for the Quakers, her 157th of the young offseason. "I mean, I couldn't say no," Greenberg said. "The time I've spent here has been great. I love the girls and I thought I was going to be here for several years, at least. But, when the Huskies call, geez, how do you turn that down?" Greenberg will be taking over a well-stocked Connecticut program that recently capped a 35-1 season with its second national championship in five years. "I won't even have to recruit," Greenberg said, eyes gleaming. "They'll just come to my office, All-American after All-American, and they'll ask to play for me. I'm a superstar, a superstar." The recent championship makes the news that much harder to take for Auriemma, who was reached for comment at The Stumble Inn, in Storrs' red-light district. "I just don't know what I did wrong," Auriemma said, sobbing into his beer. "I worked my ass off for that team, for those girls. Those bastards don't appreciate me for nothin'. They sign some young hotshot, while I'm bringing them another championship. I'm gonna call Calhoun and go do some blow." The news hit Penn's Athletic Department just as hard. "Obviously, it's a great opportunity, and [Greenberg] has to take it, but this just came out of nowhere," said Steve Bilsky, Penn's shell-shocked athletic director. "I just hope she doesn't take Caramanico with her."
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[NOTE: This article appeared in the annual joke issue.] Students from the midwestern states are planning to hold a rally on College Green tomorrow at noon in favor of creating a resource center for Midwestern Americans. "We've felt really neglected by the University and we think it's time we demanded our fair share of the University's resources," said Kathy Wade, a College junior from Springfield, Ill. An informal coalition of nearly 200 students have been planning the protest for several months, in response to the proposal for a Pan-Asian American Community House. "There's the African American Resource Center, La Casa Latina and now an Asian center," said Engineering freshman Joe Finkel, from Springfield, Mo., "yet there's no place for Midwesterners. We have our needs, too." The students are also drafting a proposal for the resource center, which they plan to submit to President Judith Rodin and Provost Robert Barchi by next week. The proposal outlines the specific space and funding requirements of the center. The most distinguishing feature of the plan calls for a brewery to be housed in the center's basement. The rally tomorrow will feature keynote speaker Jerry Springer, the former mayor of Cincinnati who now resides in Chicago. "We thought Springer would be a good speaker because he's a very prominent midwesterner and he's quite popular among college students," said College senior Jay Parker, of Springfield, Ohio, who is leading the effort. "He was really enthusiastic about coming to Penn to support our cause." Parker added, "Jerry gave us his word that he would stick to the cause and not try any of his talk show antics during the rally." Valerie De Cruz, director of the Greenfield Intercultural Center, said students had been complaining to her about the lack of a center for Midwesterners for some time. "Students would come into the GIC to hold events and complain about not having a place of their own," De Cruz said. The Midwestern students hope to solidify further within the next few months to form a more formal organization. They are also discussing the creation of a Midwestern Studies department. "We have a rich heritage," Wade said. "Corn harvests, state fairs, it's all part of our culture." Penn Students Against Midwesterners said they were outraged by the protest and plan to hold a farm-in on College Green tomorrow during which they will pretend to plant corn and milk cows.
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Seamus Heaney may be out as Commencement speaker after complaints. [NOTE: This article appeared in the annual joke issue.] Responding to widespread student dissatisfaction over this year's Commencement speaker -- Nobel Laureate Seamus Heaney -- University officials said they are considering reopening the search to find a new candidate. University President Judith Rodin said the issue was under discussion, but no decision had been made yet. "No matter what happens, Penn will have an inspiring speaker at this year's Commencement exercises," Rodin said. But whether that speaker will be Heaney, an Irish poet and acclaimed literary figure, seems unclear. Heaney was unavailable for comment yesterday. The announcement two weeks ago that Heaney would speak at the University's 244th Commencement met with mixed responses across campus. While members of the English Department expressed excitement about the choice, many students and professors outside Bennett Hall did not even know who Heaney was. Students complained, saying that they expected a prominent government or entertainment figure at their graduation. "Admittedly, he is a famous author, but most seniors haven't really heard of him," College senior and Undergraduate Assembly Chairman Michael Silver said. Sources close to the speaker search process said that Secretary of State Madeleine Albright, First Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton and talk show host Oprah Winfrey were among the other names considered this year. And with a month and a half left before the ceremony, Penn may be trying once again to attract one of these better-known candidates. "It would be difficult to get a different speaker so soon before graduation," University Secretary Rose McManus said. Interim English Department Chairman John Richetti said he was stunned that Heaney may not speak. "I'm truly flabbergasted," Richetti stuttered. "The brilliant John Richetti knows Heaney's work. Students today should be forced to read 10 Heaney poems before they can graduate. They should also all be required to take my class." Still, many seniors said that they might not even come to graduation if Heaney is the speaker. "He's just some random Irish guy," College senior and Class President Lisa Marshall said. "What will he talk about? Leprechauns, Guinness and potatoes?" To protest the choice of Heaney as speaker, Penn Students Against Irish People said they will be throwing Lucky Charms at Rodin's window tommorrow.
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[NOTE: This article appeared in the annual joke issue.] Just days after Admissions Dean Lee Stetson announced that Penn's Class of 2004 would be the most selective in history, officials are now saying that the admitted group may, in fact, be one of the weakest group of scholars ever to gain admittance to the University. "We screwed up -- big time," Stetson stated in a letter of explanation to University President Judith Rodin and the University Trustees. "This group may actually be the very stupidest to ever get past our noses." In the letter, Stetson blamed the poor quality of the Class of 2004 on an administrative snafu, which admissions officers did not catch until decision letters had already been sent. "Apparently, one of our former work-study students was incapable of recognizing the difference between accept and reject [application] piles," Stetson said. "Needless to say, he's no longer with us." After several days of manually sorting through admissions records, new figures were released yesterday on the actual composition of the Class of 2004. The admitted group actually boasts an average combined SAT score of 1072, rather than 1412 as originally announced. And the average student will graduate in the top 66 percent of his or her class -- not the top 2 percent as Stetson said previously. In addition, admission to the Class of 2004 has been offered to 12 valedictorians, four salutatorians and one student who was ranked second in his class but has been bumped down to fourth after a disappointing third marking period. "[That student] is kind of our wild-card now," Stetson said. "The percentage strength of the class would really benefit by that kid being number two or three. Damn that senioritis!" Rejected students reacted angrily to the enormous bureaucratic mix-up, which Stetson said could not be rectified in time for the beginning of the fall term. "In all my days, I have never experienced such inane lunacy as I did when I received my [rejection] letter from Penn," said E. Thornton Merriwhether, an honors student and national merit scholar currently attending Exeter Academy in Massachusetts. "A 1600 on the SATs, ranked first in my class -- I even served as temporary ambassador to NATO," Merriwhether said. "What more does Penn want? Princeton, here I come." Some students, however, expressed sheer delight with their unexpected acceptances. Tiffi Chawawa, an admitted student from the Cosmetology School of Staten Island, N.Y., said she was very surprised to be admitted, especially since she submitted her application on a dare from some of her classmates. "I is so, so, so thrilled to be getting my letter from Mr. Stetson at the great school of Penn U.," Chawawa said. "Go Nittany Lions!" Penn Students Against Stupid Students said they were angered by the Admissions office mistake and will protest the move today by calling accepted students and insulting them until they hang up.
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[NOTE: This article appeared in the annual joke issue.] For the third time in the past year, University President Judith Rodin has charged a committee to conduct a worldwide search to fill a top administrative post. Rodin announced yesterday that a 12-person committee will begin considering candidates to become Penn's first dean of search committees. The new dean will oversee the selection process of top administrators and leading faculty members across the University. The search committee dean -- who will report jointly to Provost Robert Barchi and University Secretary Rose McManus -- will also serve as permanent chair of Penn's Committee on Committees. Among the dean of search committee's first tasks will be appointing members to serve on the committees seeking a "Sweatshop Czar" and the director of facilitator recruitment for the beleaguered PennTalks program. According to Rodin, the new position was created in an attempt to expedite the search process at Penn, which for recent high-level administrative searches has dragged on for up to 16 months. "It has been taking far too long for search committees to find candidates I get along with," Rodin said. "This person will have the solemn challenge of quickly identifying candidates I like." In accordance with Penn's strict bylaws which call for a diversity of opinions, Rodin stacked the committee with loyal administrators, faculty sycophants and the same three student leaders who are selected to serve on every University committee. Barchi will chair the search committee for the dean of search committees. In a carefully worded statement, Barchi said the committee will look for candidates from a broad range of disciplines -- including government bureaucrats, corporate executives, academics and pimps -- who have excellent organizational skills. "We will look far and wide for the most qualified and exceptional candidates, fielding outstanding leaders from all over the world," Barchi proclaimed. "And then we will just settle for a lowly Penn professor." Several recent searches for top administrative positions have yielded internal candidates after exhaustive national searches. "It's not that we can't find better candidates," Rodin rationalized. "Well, maybe it is." Although there is no specific timetable for the process, a top College Hall source said that the committee hopes that an announcement of their final selections would be "imminent," which means an announcement could be made before the current freshman class graduates. And Rodin said that there is always the possibility that she will just appoint an interim dean of search committees -- for life. Penn Students Against Search Committees will be protesting the administration's decision tomorrow. They plan to hold a mock scavenger hunt in College Hall.
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[NOTE: This article appeared in the annual joke issue.] Giving a new meaning to political corruption, five of the 10 highest vote-getters in last week's Undergraduate Assembly elections have been expelled from the body after committing various campaign violations during the past several weeks. The Nominations and Elections Committee had initially discovered minimal wrongdoing among the victorious candidates and even hailed this year's election as one of the cleanest in recent memory. Upon further investigation this weekend, though, the NEC recognized that it had overlooked "heinous" violations committed by UA veterans and newcomers alike. Among those implicated are College freshman Aaron Short, the second-highest vote-getter among all of the candidates, and College junior Michael Bassik, the current UA treasurer, who received the most votes in this year's election. Short had evoked sympathy among voters when he appeared in a front-page story in The Daily Pennsylvanian in which he claimed to have had his appendix removed. Students overwhelmingly responded to the fact that Short was running his campaign from his hospital bed -- gown and all. But one day after the election, the doctors and nurses who treated him at the Hospital of the University of Pennsylvania said they never actually treated him at all. "Physically, the kid was in perfect shape," said rheumatologist William Kelley, who was, until recently, the chief executive officer of Penn's Health System. "He said he needed the bed for a photo. Who am I at this place to say no?" Meanwhile, Bassik, a UA fixture since his freshman year, was expelled after NEC officials discovered that he offered bribes to voters and attempted to buy an endorsement from the DP. "This egregious protocol inadequacy is extraordinarily insulting to my incredibly significant status. Really just extraordinary," mumbled DP Executive Editor Binyamin Appelbaum, a College junior. "I hope this will not come back to haunt me in my bid to one day be president of this very fine country," an uncharacteristically unkempt Bassik told a crowd of onlookers at his College Hall press conference last night. "The embarrassment of this situation even made me forget to gel my hair this morning. Please go to my home page, www.michaelbassik.com, to read more about me." Penn Students Against Campaign Violations said they were outraged at the candidates' misbehavior and will hold a protest to declare that Kris Ryan should be elected in the violators' places. Said one member, "We agree with Kris."
