JOKE ISSUE: PSAS member a big phony

[NOTE: This article appeared in the annual joke issue.] Penn Students Against Sweatshops members were stunned and tight-lipped yesterday as information continued to flow out tying the family of a current PSAS member with alleged sweatshop operations in rural West Virginia. According to documents released yesterday by the Fair Labor Association -- a monitoring group targeted by PSAS for its structural inadequacies -- the sweatshop in question was an athletic apparel factory in Cameron, W. Va., a small town about 55 miles southwest of Pittsburgh. Although the name of the PSAS member in question was not released, the FLA reports verify that a PSAS member is linked with the sweatshop. "I'm stunned. I just don't know what to say," College senior and founding PSAS member Miriam Joffe-Block said. "We'll be discussing this tonight sometime between our protest strategy session and our panel discussion on the plight of the one-armed Australian cabbage farmers." Other PSAS members refused to return repeated phone calls last night, saying they would not speak to a right-wing organization like The Daily Pennsylvanian. Information provided by the Occupational Safety and Health Administration indicates that the factory -- which produced mainly crew socks and earmuffs -- was shut down by federal authorities in 1989 for safety violations deemed "outrageously excessive -- even by West Virginia standards." "It's an absolute shame that those who claim to have such a love for human rights can possibly be associated with such horrors," FLA Executive Director Sam Brown said. "This will send a strong message -- don't fuck with the FLA." It is unknown what other connections, if any, are shared by PSAS members and the alleged sweatshop activities. "This wasn't my family involved, but I'll tell you that some things are going to be changing -- soon," said one PSAS member, who asked not to be named. PSAS gained the campus spotlight in February, when it staged a nine-day sit-in, demanding that the University drop out of the FLA and join its preferred monitoring organization, the Worker Rights Consortium. But after weeks of deliberation, the committee has thus far decided only to remain out of both organizations until a final decision can be rendered. University President Judith Rodin expressed shock at yesterday's findings -- directed especially toward the blatantly malicious nature of the allegations -- but said that the process of selecting a monitoring organization would continue without delay. "The University of Pennsylvania is committed to proactively addressing the problem of human rights abuses worldwide," she said. "Tomorrow I will appoint two ad hoc sub-committees to report to the subcommittee to report to the Provost to report to me to deal with this issue." It remains unclear what action PSAS will choose to take now, though one member suggested one specific path. "It may be time to change our focus," one anonymous member said. "As long as we have a cause -- save the whales, save the trees, save the kangaroos, whatever -- we'll be happy." Members of Penn Students Against Penn Students Against Sweatshops said they were not surprised by the news. "We knew they weren't for real," one PSAPSAS member said. The group will be wearing Nike clothing tomorrow in protest.

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