JOKE ISSUE: Oggie to play in Pakistan

[NOTE: This article appeared in the annual joke issue.] One week after announcing that he may not return to the Penn men's basketball team for the 2000-01 season, forward Oggie Kapetanovic has signed with a professional team in Pakistan. The 6'10" Kapetanovic, who will be the tallest player in the history of Pakistani basketball, believes that he will receive much more playing time in Pakistan than he would if he decided to remain at Penn for another season. "I mean, Dunph says that I'm an important part of the team, but I don't play. You know what I'm saying?" Kapetanovic said. "And the guys who play my position are coming back next year, so where will I get my time? You know what I'm saying? I wanna play. I don't want to be a sub. You know what I'm saying? At Penn, I'm just a sub. I don't wanna be a sub. You know what I'm saying?" Kapetanovic, who is taking six classes this semester and three over the summer in order to graduate early, had originally hoped to play for a European team. Since he is a dual citizen of Yugoslavia and Canada, Kapetanovic is not subject to the limit of two American players per team that is a rule in most European leagues. Originally, he wanted to sign with one of the top leagues in Italy, Greece or Turkey. After exploring his options, however, Kapetanovic found the best option coming from the Karachi Nehrujackets in Pakistan. "We are very pleased to be signing Oggie. Very pleased," Karachi coach Vikramjit Balasubramaniam said. "Very, very pleased." Kapetanovic signed a three-year deal worth 60 camels and a lovely wife with the Nehrujackets. The only other offer he received was from a team in Iceland for $10,000 and a bike. "We wish Oggie the best of luck in whatever he does," Penn coach Fran Dunphy said. "We'd like to see him come back to Penn, but we respect what he wants to do." This past season, Kapetanovic averaged 12.9 minutes per game, scoring 3.9 points and pulling down 2.6 rebounds per contest for the Quakers. Frustrated by his lack of playing time, Kapetanovic began to think about his future during the middle of this past season. He informed Dunphy of his decision to play overseas during a meeting last week. "I just want to play, and if I stayed here, I wouldn't play," Kapetanovic said. "You know what I'm saying?" Kapetanovic will likely get a significant amount of time in Pakistan, especially because most of the league's players are under six feet tall. Many have also never played basketball before. "Oggie shall be a star for us," Balasubramaniam said. "He will block many, many shots." This year, Kapetanovic blocked just two shots, both of which came in the Quakers' 68-58 season-ending loss to Illinois in the first round of the NCAA Tournament. Kapetanovic, who transferred to Penn after spending his first two seasons at Brown, is expected to make an immediate impact for Karachi next season. In a recent pick-up game against other players in the Pakistani league, Kapetanovic scored 63 points, while recording 27 rebounds, 19 blocks and 11 assists and leading his team to a 91-6 victory over the Islamabad Cricketeers. "It definitely beats being a sub for Owens or Ugonna," Kapetanovic said. "You know what I'm saying?"