JOKE ISSUE: Roots, Ben Folds Five out of Spring Fling concert

SPEC canceled the two groups after learning of longstanding animosity between them. [NOTE: This article appeared in the annual joke issue.] After learning of a history of bad blood between this year's Spring Fling headline bands, the Social Planning and Events Committee announced yesterday that it will terminate its contracts with both the Roots and Ben Folds Five. The decision, announced in a press release yesterday, had been brewing for the past week, and now leaves the annual Spring Fling concert without performers with just four days until showtime. "Safety is always a top priority at our concerts and we determined that having the Roots and Ben Folds Five play at the same venue would create a hostile and potentially dangerous environment," said Fling Co-Chair Mike Silverstein, a College junior. The conflict between the two groups stems from an incident at a 1996 Penn State concert where Ben Folds Five frontman Ben Folds threw his microphone stand into the crowd, injuring three people, including a member of the Roots entourage. Since then, the two groups have had several altercations, including a small melee at the 1997 Grammy Awards. SPEC officials are now scrambling to find replacement acts for Friday night's show at Hill Field. Silverstein said yesterday that SPEC will work in partnership with Connaissance, the Speaker People, to sign a band on such short notice. Although it usually takes several weeks to make arrangements with big name musical acts, rumors that pop star Britney Spears is a possible replacement have been circulating. Spears' 1999 hit "?Baby One More Time" -- which launched her onto the music scene and made her the obsession of horny teenage boys everywhere -- is the inspiration for this year's Fling theme, Fling Me Baby One More Time. The rumor involving Spears arose after it was learned that Connaissance co-Chairman Theo LeCompte's father is the agent for the bubble gum pop diva. Silverstein refused to comment about the rumor, though he did say that "although Spears is hot she has no musical talent whatsoever." However, in an interview late last night, LeCompte -- who helps give pretentious introductions every time a big speaker comes to campus -- said he would love to see Spears work her magic at Fling. "Honestly, I'm one of her biggest fans," LeCompte said. "Her words have such meaning, such power, that I couldn't pick a better Fling performer myself. And as I am the Speaker Person, I think I can get her here." After learning of the possibility that Spears will headline Fling, members of Penn Students Against Britney staged a protest in University President Judith Rodin's office last night, burning hundreds of copies of "?Baby One More Time," and Seventeen magazine.

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