JOKE ISSUE: Greenberg hired by UConn

[NOTE: This article appeared in the annual joke issue.] STORRS, Conn. -- In a surprising and shockingly bold move, University of Connecticut Athletic Director Lew Perkins yesterday announced the termination of three-time NCAA Women's Basketball Coach of the Year Geno Auriemma's contract. Perkins also went on to announce the hiring of first-year Penn head coach Kelly Greenberg as Auriemma's replacement. "We felt it was time for some new blood," Perkins said. "We're making a proactive move in order to prevent the stagnation of our program." Perkins, calling himself "the Jerry Krause of the NCAA" likened this move to the dismantling of the Chicago Bulls a few years ago. "Look how well that worked out," Perkins said. "Heck, they've got Elton Brand now. Kelly is like our Tim Floyd." Greenberg was surprised with the unexpected opportunity while on a recruiting trip for the Quakers, her 157th of the young offseason. "I mean, I couldn't say no," Greenberg said. "The time I've spent here has been great. I love the girls and I thought I was going to be here for several years, at least. But, when the Huskies call, geez, how do you turn that down?" Greenberg will be taking over a well-stocked Connecticut program that recently capped a 35-1 season with its second national championship in five years. "I won't even have to recruit," Greenberg said, eyes gleaming. "They'll just come to my office, All-American after All-American, and they'll ask to play for me. I'm a superstar, a superstar." The recent championship makes the news that much harder to take for Auriemma, who was reached for comment at The Stumble Inn, in Storrs' red-light district. "I just don't know what I did wrong," Auriemma said, sobbing into his beer. "I worked my ass off for that team, for those girls. Those bastards don't appreciate me for nothin'. They sign some young hotshot, while I'm bringing them another championship. I'm gonna call Calhoun and go do some blow." The news hit Penn's Athletic Department just as hard. "Obviously, it's a great opportunity, and [Greenberg] has to take it, but this just came out of nowhere," said Steve Bilsky, Penn's shell-shocked athletic director. "I just hope she doesn't take Caramanico with her."