JOKE ISSUE: Inept U. looks for dean of search cmtes.

[NOTE: This article appeared in the annual joke issue.] For the third time in the past year, University President Judith Rodin has charged a committee to conduct a worldwide search to fill a top administrative post. Rodin announced yesterday that a 12-person committee will begin considering candidates to become Penn's first dean of search committees. The new dean will oversee the selection process of top administrators and leading faculty members across the University. The search committee dean -- who will report jointly to Provost Robert Barchi and University Secretary Rose McManus -- will also serve as permanent chair of Penn's Committee on Committees. Among the dean of search committee's first tasks will be appointing members to serve on the committees seeking a "Sweatshop Czar" and the director of facilitator recruitment for the beleaguered PennTalks program. According to Rodin, the new position was created in an attempt to expedite the search process at Penn, which for recent high-level administrative searches has dragged on for up to 16 months. "It has been taking far too long for search committees to find candidates I get along with," Rodin said. "This person will have the solemn challenge of quickly identifying candidates I like." In accordance with Penn's strict bylaws which call for a diversity of opinions, Rodin stacked the committee with loyal administrators, faculty sycophants and the same three student leaders who are selected to serve on every University committee. Barchi will chair the search committee for the dean of search committees. In a carefully worded statement, Barchi said the committee will look for candidates from a broad range of disciplines -- including government bureaucrats, corporate executives, academics and pimps -- who have excellent organizational skills. "We will look far and wide for the most qualified and exceptional candidates, fielding outstanding leaders from all over the world," Barchi proclaimed. "And then we will just settle for a lowly Penn professor." Several recent searches for top administrative positions have yielded internal candidates after exhaustive national searches. "It's not that we can't find better candidates," Rodin rationalized. "Well, maybe it is." Although there is no specific timetable for the process, a top College Hall source said that the committee hopes that an announcement of their final selections would be "imminent," which means an announcement could be made before the current freshman class graduates. And Rodin said that there is always the possibility that she will just appoint an interim dean of search committees -- for life. Penn Students Against Search Committees will be protesting the administration's decision tomorrow. They plan to hold a mock scavenger hunt in College Hall.