Say Anything | Touched by an agent

If you’re one of many Penn students whose post-finals transit of choice is an airplane, you are likely anticipating a close encounter of the TSA kind. The Transportation Security Administration recently amped up its pat-down technique to better secure the skies. Angry passengers, however, have been calling the measures invasive and even unconstitutional.

I say: bring it on, TSA. I’d rather let an agent get to second base with me than let a terrorist get a bomb on my plane.

TSA agents aren’t supposed to be making the airport feel like Disney World; they’re supposed to be fighting terrorists. Like others burdened with similarly thankless jobs — see also: goalies, copy editors — they’re rarely applauded for their successes and are attacked for their errors. Sure, we see the screw-ups, but how many potential disasters have agents thwarted? We have no freaking idea. Although with Wikileaks, we might actually find out soon.

You may wonder if these enhanced pat-downs are effective at all. Why are they necessary?

Chad Wolf, who served as assistant administrator of policy for the TSA from 2002 to 2005, explained, “Al Qaeda continues to target aviation. TSA and [Department of Homeland Security] inspectors test the system. They attempt to smuggle weapons and other items through TSA agents [by] posing as passengers to see what the weaknesses are.” What they discovered is that agents, probably not wanting to get too up-close and personal with the American populace, kept out of the fake terrorists’ pants. Unfortunately, this also applied to, well, real terrorists. “As long as you knew that — the underwear bomber knew that — you could hide things in sensitive areas and get through.”

As of mid-November, the American Civil Liberties Union received almost 400 traveler complaints about these security measures. As travelers, we tend to see only ourselves. We aren’t so hard to handle, are we?

Well, the week before Thanksgiving, CNN embarked on a six-stop tour of American airports to find out. The resulting article, “Airport odyssey reveals how awful and annoying we are,” is as hilarious as it is sad. Some of us have sex in not-so-secluded terminals. We put babies on the conveyor belt to be x-rayed. We attempt to board airplanes with dead bodies and exotic animals in tow. Name it — no matter how disgusting or weird or inappropriate it may be — and it has happened at an airport near you.

Flying is a hassle, but there is one thing that is a bigger pain in the ass than flying, and that thing is us. We are more annoying than public transit.

“[The TSA’s] job is to ensure our safety,” College freshman Carly Churchill said. “If I had to go through a pat down, I’d be cooperative and just try to not make a big deal out of it.”

When you’re at the airport, you want to get to where you’re going as fast as humanly possible. Charming though your personality may be, TSA agents feel exactly the same way. They’re just trying to facilitate safe and efficient travel.

Should you want to express dissatisfaction with the pat-down process, you could actually protest by not flying (admittedly not a possibility for everyone) or by contacting your elected representatives. You can also hit up the TSA website and comment on its blog. In the event that you do get a pat-down, know that you have the right to go to a private area and have a family member present.

“As you travel and don’t care for all this security,” Wolf said, “[know] it’s really in your best interest. In my professional view, it’s not an overreaction on the part of TSA.”

“TSA has to get it right every single day,” he added. “Terrorists have to get it right only once.”

Jessica Goldstein is a College senior from Berkeley Heights, N.J. Her e-mail address is goldstein@theDP.com. Say Anything appears on alternate Wednesdays.

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