*This article appeared in the 2009 joke issue.
Theft
Mar. 27 - A male student, 22, reported at about 2:30 p.m. that $30 were stolen from his wallet by an unknown suspect wearing a SPEC t-shirt on Locust Walk.
Mar. 28 - A woman unaffiliated with the University reported at about 4 p.m. that she was "flim-flammed" by an unknown suspect at the cash register in Wawa, located at 3744 Spruce St. She then told police she had "no #$*@ clue what a flim-flam is."
Mar. 31 - A Penn Police Officer reported at about 11:30 p.m. that an unknown suspect stole his unsecured bike on the 3900 block of Ludlow Street.
Apr. 2 - President Amy Gutmann, 59, of 3812 Walnut St, was arrested at about 5:15 p.m. for allegedly attempting to leave Douglas Cosmetics, located at 3603 Walnut St., without paying for merchandise valued at approximately $250.
Apr. 2 - A male student, 19, reported at about 6:30 p.m. that a stash of weed had been stolen from his residence, located on the 3900 block of Spruce Street.
Apr. 1 - Laura Schwenk, 19, sister of Daily Pennsylvanian Editorial Page Editor Alyssa Schwenk, was arrested for allegedly taking an unattended baby from Van Pelt Library at about 2 a.m. in response to the theft of her child last spring.
Narcotics
Apr. 2 - James Huff, 19, of the 3900 block of Spruce Street, was arrested at about 6:45 p.m. for drug possession, cultivation and manufacturing.
Trespass
Apr. 1 - College sophomore Miranda Chambers, 20, of the 3700 block of Spruce Street, was arrested at about 12:45 p.m. for allegedly trespassing into Huntsman Hall.
Other Offenses
Mar. 29 - Former Daily Pennsylvanian Executive Editor David Lei, 20, was arrested for allegedly streaking through the Quadrangle.
Mar. 27 - Benjamin Franklin, 303, founder of the University and of 1776 Market St, was cited at about 2:15 a.m. for publicly urinating on the Benjamin Franklin bench statue.
None of this information was provided by the Division of Public Safety.
