*This article appeared in the 2008 joke issue.
Unattended Theft
March 28 - A Division of Public Safety official reported that an unattended Unattended Theft poster was taken from an unsecured room within the Divison of Public Safety, located at 4040 Chestnut St., at approximately 5 p.m.
March 28 - An unattended complainant reported that an unattended item was removed from an unattended bag in an unsecured location somewhere between the hours of 12 a.m. and 11:59 p.m.
March 29 - Maureen Rush, age unknown, of 4040 Chestnut St., was arrested at about 2 a.m. for allegedly removing all unattended items from Van Pelt Library, located at 3420 Walnut St.
April 2 - Laura Schwenk, 18, a female distantly affiliated with the University, reported that her unattended child was removed from an unsecured stroller in Pottruck, located at 3701 Walnut St,, at about 10:45 p.m.
Theft
March 31 - Amy Gutmann, age unknown, of the 3800 block of Walnut St., was arrested for leaving Fresh Grocer, located at 4001 Walnut St., without rendering payment for a case of bottled water.
April 2 - A male unaffiliated with the University was arrested for taking a copy of the Daily Pennsylvanian from a rackbox in Harrison College House, located at 3910 Irving St., without rendering payment at about 8 a.m.
Unattended Assault
April 2 - An unattended male student was assaulted with his unattended baseball bat while walking to his unsecured home.
Unattended Other Offenses
April 1 - College senior Wil Hershner was arrested for smoking pot on the roof of the DP, located at 4015 Walnut St., at 3 a.m..
April 1 -- Lee Stetson, whose location police would not release, was arrested for public nudity at about 8 a.m. at about 6:20 p.m. University spokeswoman Lori Doyle said the incident was "private and confidential."
April 1 - College sophomores Emily Babay and Albert Sun and College junior Anthony Campisi were arrested for allegedly stalking a former University employee.
April 1 - College junior Jared Miller was arrested at the Eiffel Tower for allegedly attempting to leave the Penn patrol zone and flee the country.
April 1 - College juniors Zoe Tillman and Sebastien Angel were arrested for alleged possession of copious amounts of pornography at about 6:15 a.m.
April 1 - Wharton sophomore David Lei was arrested for allegedly attempting to sneak alcohol into the Quadrangle, located at 3700 Spruce St. at about 4 a.m.
April 1 -College sophomore Paul Richards was arrested.
April 1 -Wharton junior Alex Raksin was arrested for allegedly embezzling DP funds.
--Mara Aska Wishingrad and Elizabeth Aska Rubin
None of this information was provided by the Division of Public Safety.
