COLUMN: You snooze, you really lose

From Andrew Exum's, "Perilous Orthodoxy," Fall '00 From Andrew Exum's, "Perilous Orthodoxy," Fall '00My friend and I were having an argument. "Oh, yeah?" she retorted. "Well you know those columns you write? They're boring!" "B-O-R-I-N-G." O-U-C-H. So it is to my friend's disappointment -- and, no doubt, to those of you sitting in Econ class Monday morning -- that my subject today is, well, boring. (Please, don't stop reading. I assure you, this will not be nearly as bad as your Econ professor.) In a painless 783 words, though, I feel obliged to write about what other journalists and columnists are already bemoaning as the single most boring presidential race in history. Bush vs. Gore. It was the match-up we all expected but none of us wanted. Gone are the Straight Talk Express and its fiery conductor, John McCain. Gone is that tall goofy guy, Bill Bradley. (Who we sheepishly kinda liked despite the fact that he went to "Frinceton.") Soon even crazy Alan Keyes will leave us. Judged on what we have seen so far, I am having a tough time forcing myself to get psyched about this election. Compared to Bush and Gore in the primaries, Gary Bauer looked downright electric. On the one hand, we had the wooden candidate, desperately seeking charisma. On the other, we had a candidate who didn't appear to really enjoy campaigning and -- furthermore --seemed genuinely annoyed that someone had the gall to run against him in the primaries. But the media have got it all wrong. These campaigns are going to be nothing less than rip-roaring fun over the next few months. As a Gore spokesman said, "Strap on your seat belts, we're in for a roller coaster ride." I couldn't agree more. Both of these guys should provide more entertainment value than any candidate since, um, Bill Clinton. Neither candidate can avoid putting his foot in his mouth. Neither candidate has any qualms about slinging mud. And neither candidate is without his flaws. On the one hand, we have the inventor of the Internet who nonetheless lost thousands of White House e-mails subpoenaed by the Justice Department. On the other, we have the Compassionate Conservative who has executions in the state he governs scheduled at a rate of one per week until the election. In fact, when asked to define "compassionate conservatism," W. summed up his definition with the following: "Making sure that government is not the answer to people's problems." Heartening. Pledges like that one, in which the Texas governor vows -- unless I have misread something -- to ensure his government will not do anything while he is in office, help to already make his campaign the stuff of legends. And W. is supposed to be the "Education Candidate" but teacher compensation in Texas was 51st out of 51 states in the nation (including D.C.). Rankings in other education-related categories weren't much higher. And W. fumes when opponents bring up such contradictions. Responding to an Internet site that mocks him, W. sagely decided, "There ought to be limits to freedom." Meanwhile Quiet Al sits in the corner. God bless him. For eight years he patiently sat at the side of his master and just may lose the election for being so faithful. Whenever Bill needed money during his tenure, Quiet Al was there, pillaging Buddhist temples and making phone calls from the White House. Whenever Bill needed support, Quiet Al was there, too. Yes, he was there -- right by Bill's side -- for Travelgate, Filegate, Monica Lewinsky and countless other "bimbo eruptions," eager to lend his vocal support. And what does he get for his efforts? He finds himself lumped into the same amoral abyss in which his boss finds himself mired, a prime target for GOP attack dogs. But Quiet Al soldiers on -- only this time he suddenly is no longer so quiet. Somewhere in his debates with Bradley and fights for delegates in New Hampshire and elsewhere, Al Gore found a personality. He became a candidate. Bill Bradley was Al Gore's Geppetto, lending animation to a lifeless puppet. And so I think this presidential race will be a heated contest between the born-again Al Gore and the political handlers of George W. Bush. In the end, I will be surprised if we don't have our second consecutive Democratic president. The more I see of W. the man, the more frightened I get. Which isn't to say that Al Gore is flawless, but he sure beats the heck out of the alternative. So I have already decided who gets my vote in November. Now I can sit back, cozy up to C-SPAN and watch the fireworks fly for the next seven months. (There -- I'm done. That wasn't so bad, was it?)