COLUMN: "Welcome to the Jungle"

From Andra Fogel and Darren Fogel's "He Got the Bigger Room," Fall '92 With no exaggeration, this Wharton men's room is a jungle. First, the smell is horrible. Do the septic tanks located on the way to the Philadelphia airport smell foul? Yes. Did the bum you passed on the street have body odor? Yes. Does a man's sweaty jock make you want to keel over? Yes. But do any of them smell as terrible as the men's bathroom in Steinberg-Dietrich? No way. It is a cauldron of smell. The place reeks of such a foul odor that you almost have to "smell it to believe it." To give you an idea of its smell, take all the smell words -- rancid, putrid, malodorous, disgusting, p.u., stinks, etc. -- and then picture them as a complete whole. This is the stench that can be found in the Steinberg-Dietrich bathroom. The next unpleasant feature of the Steinberg-Dietrich men's bathroom is the fact that numerous newspapers are strewn across its floor. On a typical day, one can easily find any of the following newspapers: The Daily Pennsylvanian, The Wharton Journal, The Wall Street Journal, The Financial Times and The New York Times. Although other bathrooms sometimes have papers on their floors, one realizes that this is Steinberg-Dietrich by the quantity of paper on the floor and because either the sports or business sections of each of these papers is missing. One will never discover a complete paper here. The final jungle-like quality of the Steinberg-Dietrich men's bathroom is the abundance of what many consider to be vulgar human sounds that are, nevertheless, produced behind closed stall doors. Even the most unattentive listener is able to pick up any of the following sounds: multiple morning farts followed by deep hemorrhaging grunts, and then a smooth "aaahhh!" Also one is able to hear a steady stream of urine, a nice loud burp and the sound of numerous toilet paper rolls furiously moving back and forth. Despite its unattractive qualities, Steinberg-Dietrich's inhabitants, just like any other jungle's inhabitants, still have to make numerous decisions in order to survive. For example, when picking a stall one must take a number of variables into account. First and foremost, the ideal stall has either the sports or business section of a recent newspaper available. If both of these sections do not exist, the Steinberg-Dietrich inhabitant immediately concludes that the rest of the paper is worthless. Then one looks at the quantity of paper on the roll. If most of the roll is still available then one stays; if not, he must move on. Finally, one observes whether or not there are any excrements from past participants still floating in the toilet bowl. When one finds a stall that meets relatively low standards in sanitation, he will quickly occupy it. The entire process is quite complex. Another point about the Steinberg-Dietrich restroom that's worth knowing is that despite being located in the "high rent" district of the building -- it is centrally located -- the place does not function like an exclusive club. Instead, it is open to the public on a first come, first serve basis. Take a quick glance under the stalls and one can see this. Stall one: new Reeboks, faded blue jeans, exposed DP . . . must be a Penn student. Stall two: newly polished, black, capped-toed, lace up dress shoes, dark pin-striped suit, cuffed slacks, front page of The Wall Street Journal . . . has to be a corporate executive. Stall three: torn sneakers, brown corduroys that are frayed at the bottom, random newspaper . . . a local bum. Stall four: shiny penny loafers, properly hemmed dark blue jeans, palomino-colored leather bookbag, a Wharton Journal . . . a Wharton MBA. Finally, stall five: black high top Nikes, blue polyester pants, The Philadelphia Daily News . . . a building janitor. As you can see, the Steinberg-Dietrich men's bathroom is quite an extraordinary place. Where else can one find this much activity so early in the morning? Certainly not in Penn's classrooms. Darren Fogel and Andra Fogel are siblings from Rydal, Pennsylvania. She is a College freshman; he is a senior Entrepreneurial Management major. "He Got the Bigger Room" will normally appear alternate Wednesdays.