For a decade, DPOSTM seemed too big to fail. But on Tuesday, they did just that.
The Weenies defeated Sports by a score of 112-98 on a chilly afternoon at Franklin Field in the 2016 Kamin Cup, ending a 10-year winning streak for DPOSTM.
"The DPOSTM bubble has burst," lamented Sports Editor and Meme Economist Tommy Rothman, who helped set up two touchdowns with a long catch and an un-intercepted four-yard completion, but stalled one drive figuratively with a horrendous drop and several others literally with his frequently untied shoelaces.
"Unload shares of Sports as fast as you possibly can, but it's probably too late to hop on the Weenies' bandwagon," he advised.
"I discovered that my castles stand, upon pillars of salt and pillars of sand," said outgoing Senior Sports Editor Nick Buchta. "This was one of the 365 worst days of the past year for me."
As devastated as the stunned, defeated Sports crew felt, the victors were jubilant after the win.
"I Kamin like a wrecking ball," said President-elect and Weenies captain Carter Coudriet, who spent much of the second half watching the game from the upper deck of Franklin Field. "It's a new era."
"It was a vibe," said outgoing President Colin Henderson, who made key plays early but spent the end of the game preparing Lunchables on the sideline.
Of course, not all members of DPOSTM felt the sting of defeat. With the Weenies suffering from what Executive Editor-elect Dan Spinelli (who is an employee of the Daily Pennsylvanian) called a "strategically low turnout," DPOSTM donated a trio of star freshmen in Marc Margolis, Griff Fitzsimmons and Tyler Shevin, allowing the Weenies to keep all three even after more of their true members arrived.
Senior Sports Editor-elect Will Snow denounced the Weenies' reliance on Margolis, Fitzsimmons and Shevin.
"This Autumn 2016 stunner can be attributed to low turnout, DPOSTM's inability to hold onto its built-in base, and the influence of Fake News in the form of our three stolen rookies playing for the other team."
Margolis played the biggest role of all, assuming the mantle of quarterback and making several key plays through the air and on the ground.
"Eh, whatever," Margolis told the DP after the game in a statement issued via email. After being pressed for further comment, Margolis credited the win to the receiving excellence of Photo Manager-elect Ananya Chandra (who had zero catches on the day).
Shevin and Fitzsimmons combined for double-digit receptions and multiple scores.
But the Weenies also got contributions from actual members of their team, including Peter Ribiero — who burned Rothman so badly on a touchdown reception that "Memes" started apologizing to his teammates before the ball had even been snapped —, Cameron Dichter — who made several key receptions, including a huge fourth-down conversion despite having zero feet anywhere close to being inbounds—, Lucas Weiner, and Harley Geffner.
The game got off to a slow start as both teams struggled to find an offensive rhythm. DPOSTM won the coin toss, but failed to score on the game's opening drive. Buchta expressed regret about the coin toss when asked about electing to have his team begin on offense rather than letting the defense set the tone.
"I should have deferred."
After the Weenies struck first to go ahead 1-0, DPOSTM evened the score on a touchdown catch from "Senior comma Sports Reporter" Sam Altland. But The Weenies answered back to go ahead 2-1, and never relinquished that lead. DPOSTM's offense got going just before the half thanks to some big throws from Thomas Munson, and continued that momentum after the intermission behind Galactic Sprint Football Champion Zack DiGregorio.
DPOSTM was led in the receiving effort by fellow GSFC Cole "Swole" Jacobson, who played in a muscle tee and shorts, Jacob Adler, who had many touchdowns, and Corey Henry, who had a few horrible drops but was awarded a touchdown on one of those anyway and had a huge interception to keep DPOSTM in the game.
But while DPOSTM had it going on offense, they simply couldn't get a stop on the defensive end, aside from 2 interceptions against News Editor-elect Tom Nowlan.
"I know Nowlan's weaknesses," said Henry. "Women, and zone defense."
The teams traded touchdowns for nearly the entire second half, and with the Weenies up 15-14 and in possession of the ball with 12 minutes remaining, Buchta declared that the game would be over if the Weenies scored, while DPOSTM would get one chance to tie it and extend the game if the Sports crew could get a stop.
"I trusted our defense," Buchta said.
In theory, it was a questionable move with so much time left on the clock. But in practice, it appeared as if it was about to pay off in spades for Sports, as DPOSTM forced a 4th-and-18 from the 38-yard line.
But at the end of the day, the DPOSTM defense just couldn't get the job done. Margolis connected with Geffner on a 36-yard bomb to put the Weenies on the brink of victory.
"I don't play defense," said Sports Editor-elect Jonathan Pollack, who got burned on the play.
A touchdown on the next play ended the game and DPOSTM's 10-year reign, and the Weenies rushed onto the field and mobbed each other in celebration.
"2016, man," sighed Henry as he watched the celebration. "Twenty six-f***ing teen."
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