Joke Issue: The Making History campaign, uncensored

A new home for the humanities

A new humanities building behind Rodin College House, facing 40th Street, will be finished in 2017.

Called “a Huntsman of the Liberal Arts,” by President Gutmann at a press conference last week, this 3.9 million dollar facility will provide the English, cinema studies, comparative literature, and
women, sexuality and gender studies academic programs with much needed extra space and updated electronic resources.

Ergonomic chairs

Did your grandmother comment on your posture at Passover Seder again?

The quality of student posture has decreased consistently over the past five years.

Penn plans to counteract this trend by buying ergonomic chairs for a variety of campus buildings, including all the college houses and 12 academic buildings such as College Hall and David Rittenhouse Laboratory.

“Large numbers of students are coming to SHS complaining of back pain. This is a real problem,” said Evelyn Weiner, the head of Student Health Services.

The chairs promise increased blood flow and decreased joint pain.

Scholarships to bring more hipsters to Penn

Portions of the Making History funds will be used to attract hipsters to Penn’s remarkably preppy campus.

“We will be offering scholarships to students with ukuleles, experience working as a barista and an appreciation for Amanda Palmer’s music,” said Joel Carstens, Penn’s director of financial aid.

Students who identify as hipsters at Penn often feel isolated outside of Penn’s niche communities and student organizations.

“I didn’t know what hit me when I came to Penn,” said Ben Carver, a College junior from Brooklyn. “But I found I had some tastes in common with mainstream Penn students. Everyone drinks PBR and enjoyed Passion Pit at Fling last year.”

Dean of Admissions Eric Furda says that there will be resources for hipsters who come to Penn as a result of the program.

“There will be advisors they can speak to if they feel confused or alone when faced with new experiences like talking to Republicans or seeing lots of people who wear boat shoes un-ironically,” he said.

Spanish Phonetics

Penn is revolutionizing Spanish education.

The Spanish programs will now include greater emphasis on pronunciation and developing a convincing accent.

“You really shouldn’t see a fourth semester Spanish student who has the Spanish accent of [New York Mayor] Michael Bloomberg,” said professor Valeria Vega, a Spanish literature professor who will lead the program.

“Que buenas noticias!” College sophomore Yoni Hurwitz said.

Dessert Police

A squad of “Tupperware police” will be hired by Penn’s Division of Public Safety to prevent students from bringing home cake at next September’s dessert reception following Convocation.

“Similar to the checkpoints at the quad gates during Fling, we will be checking student’s bags for contraband containers and receptacles,” said DPS Vice President of Public Safety Maureen Rush.

Pastry theft costs Penn an average of $500,000 per event. The Tupperware police will prevent this wasteful loss of funds.

Keeping the location of the President’s lair secret

Where in the world is Amy Gutmann?

Students have undoubtedly noticed that President Gutmann does not actually live in the President’s exquisite beaux-arts mansion on 38th and Walnut streets. Where she actually lives remains a mystery to students.

Making History funds will be used to keep President Gutmann’s home address unlisted.

“Keeping the location of the president’s home a secret requires not only constant vigilance on the part of myself and my colleagues but extensive technology, which can be very expensive,” said a member of Gutmann’s security team. “After the location of [Harvard President Drew Gilpin] Faust’s lair was outed by the Harvard Crimson last year, we can’t be too careful and no expense will be spared.”

This article appeared in the Daily Pennsylvanian’s Joke Issue 2013. For more information, click here.

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