Joke issue: The Gray Area | My second drink

*This story appeared in the 2011 Joke Issue. It was not actually written by Charles Gray.

Two months ago, I wrote about the experience of having my first beer.

After turning 21, I went to City Tap House, ordered a Coors and let the golden streams of the Rocky Mountains wash over my tongue.

It was magnificent.

I knew it would be difficult to top such a great first drink. So I spent the next eight weeks searching liquor stores, bars, fraternity houses and the Fresh Grocer’s wine vending machine for the perfect follow-up.

It was a long and arduous process, but last night I finally found it.

For my second-ever drink, I had a can of the sweetest ambrosia known to man — a brand of beer called Pabst Blue Ribbon.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. How could I — the College Republicans treasurer, a Newt Gingrich supporter, an avid Ayn Rand reader — enjoy the taste of a beer beloved by godless, liberal hipsters? I wear collars not v-necks, sport corduroy not plaid and listen to Ted Nugent not Animal Collective.

But the answer is simple. My conservative soul is attracted to the pure American spirit of the beer. PBR is the most patriotic alcoholic beverage in existence.

It’s an American lager hailing from the rolling Midwestern plains of Woodridge, Ill. — the heart of this majestic nation. Its cans are proudly colored red, white and blue. It was selected as “America’s Best” in 1893, the year United States Marines helped overthrow the Kingdom of Hawaii. It’s the beer Ronald Reagan — may he rest in eternal peace — would choose.

Forget the Tea Party. For the 2012 election, I’m going to establish a PBR Party, a grassroots — nay, hopsroots — movement across the country, composed of people who love America, Toby Keith and paying for health care.

So I raise my can as a toast to this luscious lager and say, “I got this PBR. You got this PBR. Now you know it.”

Charles Gray is the DP’s token conservative. He plans to take his third drink during Hey Day. Email suggestions to gray@theDP.com.

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