Sometimes you gotta make a bold prediction. Why not just come out and say your conviction? And that conviction is that Penn is the best. Methinks this season they will conquer the rest. I know that Penn will lead every game at halftime. Say, this PrognostiQuakers seems to be in rhyme I know I'm not Slim Shady, or Fitty Cent. My name is D-Mac, my photo's below (I'm the gent). I'm representin' my label of PrognostiQuake. My new album drops on 9-23, for Pete's sake. So now I'm gonna tell you why the Quakers are the best. They will go 7-0 in the Ivy League, to that I can attest. Mike Mitchell will win the League MVP. And Lehigh will fall to the Quakers, 45-3. Now, we know Penn lost a lot of defensive guys. But that would just be Al Bagnoli's clever guise. To show up the rest of the ol' Ancient Eight. The other teams, the Quakers will sedate. Harvard, Cornell, Dartmouth, Brown. Oh, yea, you know they're all goin' down. Columbia, Princeton and crummy ol' Yale. The Red and Blue will certainly prevail. Sometimes we PrognostiQuakers are incorrect. But at least we take risks and put out our neck Much criticism and insults we've heard in our time. But we've been around for 51 years, oh yea, we're doin' fine. And so I must say, you must not doubt our picks. It's not just 'cause we got bigger... sticks... ...and stones will never break our bones. Pick against us, we'll be hearin' your groans. And you'll also go running to your mommys. You can also call PrognostiQuakers... tsunamis! So that's it: Penn will go 7-0. And win the Ivies, this I know.
| Steve "Big smooth ears" Brauntuch | Penn 7-0 | Harvard 6-1 | P'ton 5-2 | Corn. 3-4 | Yale 3-4 | Brown 5-4 | Dart.1-6 | |
| Andrew "Drugs" DeLaney | Penn 7-0 | Harvard 6-1 | Yale 5-2 | Dart. 4-3 | P'ton 3-4 | Brown 2-5 | Corn.1-6 | |
| Marla "By three we're" Dunn | Penn 7-0 | Harv. 5-2 | Yale 5-2 | Corn. 4-3 | P'ton 3-4 | Brown 2-5 | Dart. 1-6 | |
| James "Kyle Bender II" Freeman | Penn 7-0 | Harv. 5-2 | Corn. 4-3 | P'ton 4-3 | Yale 4-3 | Brown 2-5 | Dart. 2-5 | |
| Lewis "Gotta have" Hart | Penn 7-0 | Harvard 6-1 | Yale 5-2 | Dart. 4-3 | P'ton 3-4 | Brown 2-5 | Corn.1-6 | |
| Mary "Poopy brain" Kinosian | Penn 7-0 | Harv. 6-1 | P'ton 5-2 | Brown 3-4 | Yale 3-4 | Corn. 2-5 | Dart. 2-5 | |
| Daniel "D-Mac" McQuade | Penn 7-0 | Yale 5-2 | Harvard 5-2 | Brown 4-3 | Dart. 3-4 | Col. 2-5 | Corn. 2-5 | |
| Greg "Wire Junk" Muller | Penn 7-0 | Harvard 6-1 | Yale 5-2 | P'ton 4-3 | Corn. 3-4 | Dart. 2-5 | Brown 1-6 | |
| Josh "Free Kobe" Pollick | Penn 7-0 | Harvard 6-1 | Yale 5-2 | Dart. 4-3 | P'ton 3-4 | Corn. 2-5 | Brown 1-6 | |
| Amy "Steve Bilsky" Potter | Penn 7-0 | Yale 6-1 | Harv. 5-2 | Dart. 4-3 | P'ton 3-4 | Corn. 2-5 | Brown 1-6 | |
| Maddy "MadDogg" Read | Penn 7-0 | Harvard 5-2 | Yale 5-2 | P'ton 5-2 | Corn 2-5 | Dart 2-5 | Brown 1-6 | |
| Helen "Queen Swami" Sessoms | Penn 7-0 | Harvard 6-1 | Yale 5-2 | Dart. 4-3 | Corn. 3-4 | P'ton 2-5 | Brown 1-6 | |
| Jeff "Par for the course" Shafer | Penn 7-0 | Harv. 5-2 | Yale 5-2 | Dart. 4-3 | P'ton 3-4 | Corn. 2-5 | Brown 1-6 |
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