*This article appeared in the 4/1/02 Joke Issue*Looks like someone is just too cool for Penn.
Freshman soccer star Katy Cross, who set a record with 34 points this season, will be turning professional after just one year at the University.
She will play for the Philadelphia Charge of the WUSA, the Women's Professional Soccer League.
"I mean, everyone's doing it now," a smiling Cross said. "Plus, well -- you know, I'm going to kick major ass out there.
"You think Brandi Chastain can stop me? She's all bra, no substance."
The story is not without scandal, however, as late last night Penn women's soccer coach and Charge goalies coach Darren Ambrose was seen handing Cross a large sum of money at the corner of 36th and Walnut.
Reportedly, he handed her the money in a bag with a dollar sign ($) on it.
When asked about the possible conflict of interest, Ambrose simply stalled.
"Tally-ho!" the Brit said. "Good chap, would you favour me with some scones?
"Colour, theatre, lager, tea and crumpets. Cheerio!"
Penn athletic director Steve Bilsky was shocked by her decision.
"Originally, she wanted to play professionally and for Penn at the same time," Bilsky said. "But the University and the NCAA have a strict policy of not paying our athletes. I mean, besides those in basketball or football."
Cross's teammates were stunned by the decision. The California native was expected to be a force at Penn for years to come -- three years, to be exact -- and was expected to push Penn past the first round of the NCAA College Cup.
"I said after the Harvard game, 'Katy Cross is my hero! Katy, can I marry you?'" Senior captain Sabrina Fenton said. "And now she killed my dream."
The WUSA, formed last year, is the premier women's soccer league in the world. The league was excited to add such a star player to its lineup.
"Wow, the Katy Cross?!" Mia Hamm said. "I haven't been this excited since -- well, ever."
Cross is the first-known player to leave early in any sport other than basketball or football. Many stars who are also considering jumping to the pros are supportive of her decision.
"I fully support her," Memphis freshman Dajuan Wagner, who is considering jumping to the NBA, said. "I mean, who the hell would want to live in West Philly? It's worse than Camden."
Cross's departure leaves a giant hole in the program, but Cross is unconcerned and will simply enjoy the $5.25 and hour she makes as a professional soccer player in the United States.
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