COLUMN: And the losers are?

From Andrew Exum's, "Perilous Orthodoxy," Fall '00 From Andrew Exum's, "Perilous Orthodoxy," Fall '00It seems like every year, public figures on Penn's campus make extraordinary jackasses out of themselves. So this year, I present the first annual Gleit Awards, given to those public figures in the Penn community who manage to look like the biggest idiots during the course of the academic year. The envelopes, please. President Clinton: In a speech at Penn for the Granoff Forum, Clinton exclaimed, "They actually promised me a banquet with a Philadelphia cheesecake -- I don't know -- cheesesteak -- I mean, I don't know?" Um, yeah Mr. President. It's cheesesteak. And here's your Gleit, sir. James M. Wilson: After the alarming death of patient Jesse Gelsinger, followed by an FDA inquiry in which Penn was severely reprimanded, Dr. Wilson -- head of Penn's Institute for Human Gene Therapy -- was nonetheless scheduled to speak at the Penn Humanities Forum in early February. The topic? The bioethics of gene therapy. Here's your Gleit, Dr. Wilson, and thank you for canceling at the last minute. Pennsylvania Six-5000: For making us actually feel sorry for anyone from Princeton. The boys of Penn Six harassed and streaked the visiting Princeton Wildcats at their spring show. Then the badboy a cappella group defended its juvenile actions onstage in the lower Quad at Spring Fling in a profanity-laced tirade. Classy. Pardon me, but isn't a rebel a cappella group about as cool as the pimply-faced tuba player in your high school band who used to smoke pot in the parking lot? I thought so. Here are your Gleits, gentlemen. Steve Bilsky: Bought up all the commemorative NCAA Tournament T-shirts at the Quakers' first-round game in North Carolina to distribute to alumni. Nice, but shouldn't the students who loyally followed Penn to Winston-Salem have had a chance to buy one of those before you start giving them out to The Donald? Here's your Gleit, Steve. Brad34: For giving Penn students everywhere a bad name by posting semi-fictitious comments on the Web and attributing them to Mets manager Bobby Valentine. The headline on ESPN.com: "U. of Penn Student Admits Fabricating Quotes." Thank you, Brad34. I'm sure all this will find its way onto a clever orange and black sign at next year's Princeton game. Michael Jordan: After making fun of Drexel cheerleaders on his UTV-13 show, Penn's star point guard had to walk down to University City's other campus to apologize. I guess having to go to Drexel -- if only for a few minutes -- was punishment enough, but No. 23 gets a Gleit anyway. Stephanie Ives: Why does this smart, able and likable administrator get a Gleit? For taking -- without question -- the worst and most thankless job at Penn: University Alcohol Coordinator. I swear, the CEO of the Health System has an easier job than Ms. Ives. Enjoy the award, Steph. I'll buy you a beer for your trouble later -- not that it will make your job any easier. Admissions Dean Lee Stetson: For taking in about 300 more freshmen in the Class of 2003 than the school had room for. Great job, Lee. That's exactly what this campus needs -- more annoying freshmen. And taking that extra 300 no doubt means that we're getting the cream of the crop, right Dean? The 1999 IFC Executive Board: I swear, these guys (and one girl) would lie to their rabbis and priests if they thought it would -- in any way -- help fraternities. The fact that Penn's fraternities are in better shape this year than they were a year ago before the death of Michael Tobin and the hospitalizations of seemingly countless Ware College House freshmen defies explanation. But perhaps some of this can be attributed to the best group of spin doctors and outright liars this side of the Clinton White House. Gleits to you all, with nothing but love. The name of that self-promoting former IFC Executive Vice President, by the way, conveniently escapes me? Finally, a heartfelt and well-intended Gleit goes out to all the people who have read this column over the past four semesters. It was an honor to write every week, and I hope you enjoyed reading these columns half as much as I enjoyed writing them. Many thanks, Ex