COLUMN: Elephants on parade

From Mike Nadel's "Give 'em Hell," Fall '96 From Mike Nadel's "Give 'em Hell," Fall '96The Republican presidentialFrom Mike Nadel's "Give 'em Hell," Fall '96The Republican presidentialcandidates have come to theFrom Mike Nadel's "Give 'em Hell," Fall '96The Republican presidentialcandidates have come to theUniversity, and they'reFrom Mike Nadel's "Give 'em Hell," Fall '96The Republican presidentialcandidates have come to theUniversity, and they'rerunning for the UA. From Mike Nadel's "Give 'em Hell," Fall '96The Republican presidentialcandidates have come to theUniversity, and they'rerunning for the UA.Life at the University is busy. It's easy to lose touch with the outside world. Those who haven't been paying attention to the national news might be interested to know that Bob Dole has locked up the Republican nomination for president. Since he was the first to drop out of the presidential race, Texas Senator Phil Gramm has spent the most time campaigning for UA. In spite of his dedication, he remains extraordinarily unpopular at the University. When I caught up with Gramm, he was seeking the endorsement of someone in a similar situation. "Cheer up, Stan," he was saying. "Ah failed the third, seventh and ninth grades. My wife said no the first two times I asked her to marry me. Everyone Ah work with hates me. But here Ah am, Stan. Ah'm running for UA, and so help me God, Ah'm going to win!" Gramm's charm seemed to be winning over the provost, so I went looking for more campaign action. Walking across campus, I saw a commotion outside W.E.B. DuBois College House. An unfortunate place to hold a Pat Buchanan rally, I thought to myself. Always the intellectual, Buchanan's UA campaign revolves around academic issues. "Forget Latin American Studies, my friends. If I'm on the UA, I'll say, 'Listen, Jose! I think you better get back on your side of the Rio Grande!' "And what's this I hear about the UA buying a Japanese fax machine for its office? When my people and I get in there, we'll say, 'Look, Mr. Hashimoto! This UA's gonna dump all that Japanese technology of yours right into Pearl Harbor!" Fearing a riot, I moved on. Heading down Walnut Street, I spotted a large crowd of cameras and reporters. I couldn't see whom they were surrounding, but as I got closer, the voice gave it away. "Arrrggh, pretty much a waste of time," growled Bob Dole about the UA. "My view is, gotta rein in government." "But then why are you running?" I asked, forcing my way into the crowd using my DP press pass as a weapon. "Oh, I don't know? Bob Dole? One last mission? Balance the budget? Tested? Every school's gotta have government, I guess, so here we are. Bob Dole?" He trailed off. Trying again, I asked, "Senator, what's your vision for the UA?" "Well, my view is, people are always asking me, 'What's your vision?' The UA doesn't accomplish anything, wastes too much time and money, embarrasses and annoys the students, and does more harm than good. That's my vision." Before I could come up with another question, Dole declared, "Arrrggh, gotta go!" He hopped into his limousine and drove off. Speaking to candidate after candidate, I was unimpressed. Every year I hear the same promises from the UA candidates. Sometimes they are even sincere, but the result is always the same: very little gets done. Perhaps that's why I am most excited about Steve Forbes's message. Forbes is not running for UA. Instead, he is campaigning for referendum "B," the new constitution submitted by College senior Eric Tienou. "B" does to the UA what Forbes wants to do to the nation's tax code. "Abolish it," yelped the billionaire magazine publisher from the steps of Van Pelt. "Get rid of it. Kill it. Put a stake through its heart and make sure it never rises again. "We can have a simple system, fair to everyone," Forbes continued. "Two elected leaders -- a student body president and vice president -- can effectively deal with campus issues without all this insider nonsense." "But Mr. Forbes," I challenged. "All of the leaders of the UA oppose referendum 'B.'" "Exactly," Forbes said. "They want to protect their jobs and their million-dollar UA pensions. Does it really take 33 students to represent undergraduate concerns to the administration? Of course not. You really only need a few good people who have the support of the students, and you can get the job done without all the political infighting." What Forbes said about "B" seemed to make sense. I felt, however, that I owed the candidates one last chance, so I went to hear them debate on UTV13. "Alan Keyes," the moderator began, "What do you think the UA should do about campus crime?" "I think there's too much crime on campus. There's too many guns. There's too many drugs. And that's just Judith Rodin's driver." The moderator tried again. "Lamar Alexander, why aren't you wearing your patented red-and-black flannel shirt during your UA campaign?" "This is student government," he answered. "I thought yellow was more appropriate." The moderator looked exasperated. "Pat Buchanan, how do you feel about the UA participating in Ivy Council?" Buchanan was prepared. "Look, I don't want the UA giving up any of its sovereignty to these international organizations. When I'm on the UA, I'm gonna say, 'Listen, Mr. Boutros-Boutros Ghali?" I couldn't take any more. And so today, election day, my mind is made up. I won't vote for referendum "A," because it creates a powerless entity with a silly name, and it's even worse than what we have now. I won't vote for the status quo; it's impossibly bad. I'll follow Forbes's advice and give "B" a whirl. I'll vote to abolish the UA once and for all, while making sure we still have some representation. Of course, "B" might lose, and then we'll be stuck with the UA. We won't have to worry about the Republican presidential candidates, though. They all talked to me, and I write for the DP. That means that under the infamous gag rule, they'll all be disqualified.