COLUMN: Good Religion, Bad Religion

From Dan Schorr's "Behind Enemy Lines," Fall '94 Senior cut day? O.J. jury selection on TV? No, the answer is Yom Kippur -- the Jewish day of atonement. On Yom Kippur, Jews -- except for the bad ones -- fast and spend the day in temple. They do not work or attend classes. Sandy Koufax actually decline to pitch in a World Series game because of Yom Kippur. But how should the University react to this Jewish exodus from normal classroom routine? One option is to cancel classes for the day in the name of the Jewish G-d and religion. Many view it as silly to start classes just as a significant portion of the University community can not attend. But in such a diverse university as Penn, official recognition of Yom Kippur might open a can of worms as large as the Revlon Center myth. As Geology Professor Herman Pfefferkorn explained, if the University cancels classes on Yom Kippur it will "end up with the European problem where every group has its own holiday. As nice as it would be to respect the holidays, we are in a multicultural society, and we might end up in a situation that is untenable." If Yom Kippur is recognized, what about Good Friday, Diwali, Satanic observances, and whatever Scientologists celebrate? The answer is obvious: recognize only the religious holidays that accurately reflect the true divine nature of the Universe. As many of us have been taught, all cultures' customs -- except for the bad ones -- should have equal merit in the eyes of a tolerant University population. To celebrate one cultural holiday while ignoring another can not be adequately justified. But the Yom Kippur issue is not related to multiculturalism -- rather, it is part of the multireligious nature of our school. And while all cultures should be viewed as equal, all religions can not. Cultures can generally coexist, learning and growing from each other's different customs and traditions. Radically different philosophies of culture can all be appreciated, without each one threatening the existence of the others. Each religion, however, necessarily implies the incorrect nature of other beliefs. Any two religions are mutually exclusive in very significant respects, or they would not be two different religions. Based on facts, or an approximation of facts, religions hope to explain the unexplainable. And they either do this admirable feat correctly or incorrectly. Either Jesus was the son of God or he was not. Either God wants us to fast on Yom Kippur or he does not. Either Satan holds the answers to life's problems or he does not. With so many contradictory beliefs, it would be ridiculous to recognize all religions, when so many must clearly be wrong. When I join an NCAA Tournament pool where each person picks one team, I know that 63 people are going to lose. Assuming that there is a religion based on the truth, all other religions' scores can not possibly add up to much, and many religions aren't even in the same gym. Of course, it's disturbing to dismiss others' religious beliefs. Yet with the degradation and mockery of ancient Greek and Roman gods, the precedent has already been firmly established. Now, in the search for knowledge, it is the University's responsibility to eliminate the others. Headed by the Religious Studies department, the University should compile different religious manuscripts and test hypotheses, scrutinize predictions, and research historical accounts. It can then determine which of the religions is most likely to accurately explain the Universe and which are performing odd, unnecessary, and possibly heretical rituals. The latter kind can be eliminated from contention for University recognition. Experiments should be conducted. HUP can divide patients into different groups, having each one pray to a different God. Medicated patients will serve as the control group. Who will enjoy the best health? That should provide some insight into what is the one, true God. The stakes are high: if one religion is correct, the University must not continue to disregard the commandments of a being(s) more powerful than the Board of Trustees and the Commission on Strengthening the Community put together. In time, we can find the light. But what if the University can't determine the correct religion? Until the scientific method clears everything up, the University should continue to not recognize religious holidays. Clearly, an overwhelming majority of them must be inaccurate, and one of the country's leading educational institutions can not be caught observing holidays based on fallacies. To do so would be worthy of atonement. Dan Schorr is a senior English major from Valley Stream, New York. Behind Enemy Lines appears alternate Fridays.