COLUMN: Declaration of the Rights of White Trash

From Rob Faunce's "With Bells On," Winter '94 From Rob Faunce's "With Bells On," Winter '94You've heard the phrase a lot lately. The best current example of this is the Tonya Harding/Nancy Kerrigan saga. It is not about the "whack heard round the world"; it is about American identity. Who we are (Tonya) and who we want to be (Nancy). This media maelstrom has focused primarily on the question of Tonya's guilt. Many hypothetical questions have been raised by the pundits and the pollsters. Should Tonya represent the United States in competition? Does she "deserve" the "honor" of trying to get her pudgy face on the cover of a Wheaties box? Even with a gold medal, Tonya will not likely be gracing Wheaties boxes with her presence anytime soon. And that is ironic, in this age of mass-marketed "personalities" and manufactured heroes, since Tonya Harding is the most emblematic American athlete of our time. She is the epitome of all that is commonly American. She has asthma, but refuses to quit smoking. She does video-striptease for her husband. Her mother's marital record would make Elizabeth Taylor blush. Tonya is a blue-light Kmart special. Tonya Harding is white trash. And so she represents America. However, through this global soap opera we've witnessed since January, white trash America has arisen and laid its claim. White trash America will be ignored no longer. The sad reality is that white trash gets no respect or consideration. Witness our University. With all the recent discussion about quotas and potential recruitment, no one has once mentioned the distinct lack of white trash on campus. The underrepresentation here is overwhelming! Pinpointing an exact figure for white trash population is highly difficult and hotly debated. Yet we are confronted with it constantly, in our everyday lives, our businesses, and our entertainment. Witness the John Waters film "Cry Baby," featuring such white trash "supermodels" as Johnny Depp, Ricki Lake, Traci Lords, and the late transvestite Divine, in a story of "1950s white trash in Baltimore." Drew Barrymore, scion to the most distinguished name in acting history, makes her mark by playing white trash in everything from "E.T." to "Guncrazy" (with stops in between to play white trash slut Ivy in "Poison Ivy" and to play our favorite "Long Island Lolita" in "The Amy Fisher Story"). In the defense of white trash, I hereby present the first draft of what will be known as "The White Trash Manifesto." This is a statement of purpose and ideals for the emancipation of white trash everywhere: White trash is a buzzphrase that represents all of us in this "Land of the Free" who dared to be born a "have-not." White trash are born with a dream to make of themselves what their parents could not. "We remember our roots -- trips to Sears and Walmart for clothes, clipping coupons and buying generic cereal. We remember Dad's drinking problem and chronic unemployment, Mom's arthritic back and terrible food. We remember bunk beds and public schools. "We watch "Married...With Children" and laugh not at the farce but at the close resemblance to our own lives. We see Tonya Harding wearing too much makeup, or her mom with the Salvation Army fur coat, and we laugh at memories of home. "White trash is Hawthorne's Hester Prynne, the impure outcast of Puritanical society who was the only one who knew to "be true." White trash is Sam Walton, the late "richest man in America" who started as a stockboy. White trash is everywhere -- from Lawrence, Massachusetts to Little Rock, Arkansas. "White trash have been scorned and ridiculed for too long; from Scarlett O'Hara to George Bush, the American "nobility" has turned its collective nose to white trash power. No longer! White trash has persevered, and with Tonya as our leader, we will thrive as never before..." Perhaps the Commission on Strengthening the Community should have recommended more funding to form groups on campus to "sensitively address the needs" of white trash. We need to actively recruit white trash, in order to accurately balance the University with national percentages. We need to encourage "Moonshine nights" at fraternity houses and promote the formation of white trash dormitories and college houses. Only when these needs are met, then the University can accurately boast about its diversity. The University needs to make amends; like the Manifesto says, white trash is here, and we won't be ignored. Rob Faunce is a freshman undeclared major from Manchester, New Hampshire. With Bells On appears alternate Wednesdays.