COLUMN: "The Hand that Robs the Cradle"

From Zelig Kurland's "Bacon For Breakfast," Spring '92 True love is true love, and I've believed that ever since I met Darlina at Taco Bell last summer. Dating someone five years younger does have drawbacks. First, Darlina doesn't have a license, so she has to hitchhike up from West Virginia to see me. And here in Pennsylvania, our relationship might be considered illegal. But it's worth it. Back home, where the government is more progressive, they didn't meddle into my personal life. I could marry my sister if I wanted to. Why should the government care if I have three-headed babies? The only people who mind at home are the postal workers. They get confused when every house on the block is listed under the same surname. But no matter what you look like, pickin' up a youngin only takes four words: "I've got a car." Philosophers tried solving the physical beauty vs. spiritual merit dilemma for centuries. I transcend physical limitations with my El Camino. I told Darlina my Bike Seat Equilibrium Theory. That is, although it seems like a lot of bike seats get stolen, the entire Penn campus is missing only one. If the next guy who gets his stolen simply goes out and buys one instead of stealing someone else's, he could put an end to all this nonsense. "You're brilliant," Darlina said. "Take me." Dating a 14 year-old saves money. A night out with some college babe at the White Dog Cafe and Forrest Theater can run hundreds of dollars. Darlina is satisfied with grilled Spam and a sixer of Pabst Blue Ribbon. If it's a big night out, we go bowling. Living in West Virginia has many other perks. I didn't have a TV, so I was spared from MTV. My hometown only has one station and we didn't have a dish, so there was really no point in getting a television. I knew people who had them, but for my family and our dogs listening to 8-tracks sufficed for entertainment. Another perk is West Virginia University -- consistently ranked as one of Playboy's Top Ten Party Schools, which brings me to my point: I find it ridiculous that there is more of a music scene at WVU than there is at Penn. Now, the folks at WVU are hopelessly deluded if they think Morgantown, West Virginia, will be the next Athens, Georgia -- but at least they're trying. Meanwhile, Penn is a bastion of cultural stagnation. No one listens to anything that hasn't been on Club MTV or K-Tel's "Frat Rock." Face up: the '70s are over. Sure, they're a few decent bands floating around at Penn -- Filthy Penny Jr., Sniff, Rhino Lift, The Dead Cat Quintet and The Justin Guinney Trio -- but no one cares because they don't play "Brown Eyed Girl." I repeat myself: get your heads out of your collective asses, the '70s are over. Of course, I can't slam anyone in particular, because I'm in a band. I have to be nice or no one will hire us. Of course, no one goes to a party for the music. Parties are for drinking, scamming and acting in general like white trash. And wouldn't it be neat if 34th Street -- Penn's "arts and entertainment" magazine -- just so much as skipped the frat scene for a weekend? Oh yeah, no one would read it. Street doesn't tell you -- not until the preceding week -- that Dinosaur Jr. and Trip Shakespeare will be playing in March, or that this Thursday Uncle Tupelo will blow Teenage Fanclub off the stage. Street doesn't tell you that campus bands exist. Sure, maybe we all suck and we're not worth mentioning, but if they reviewed Cover Theory's disc they can do anything. Then again, why should Street bother? Penn has no need for entertainment. We've got Meister Brau. I'll be seeing Dinosaur Jr. alone because I don't know anyone who's so much as heard of J. Mascis. Why doesn't someone on the Social Planning and Events Committee arrange a festival featuring all of Penn's rock acts? The gimmick could be that the bands have to play original music. Oh yeah, no one would go. Still, it'd be a better waste of funds than last Fling's laser festival of late '80s trash and air bands. If I wanted to see air bands, I would have stayed in high school. Maybe this year SPEC can get lasers going to one of the songs I wrote for Filthy Penny Jr. Anything, as long as they don't hire Smokestack Lightning. But think of this: a cappella is more popular on the Penn campus than rock. Students would sooner pay five dollars to see 20 hosers sing TV jingles than spend the money to see the Mad Hatters rock out at the Cabaret. Hopefully, this is only true because Penn's "performing arts" groups are rolling in Student Activities Council publicity money. Meanwhile, back in Morgantown, they have their own record label. West Virginia University is culturally two decades ahead of Penn. How will you explain that to your kids? It's almost reason enough to transfer. That, plus I'd get to see more of Darlina. Zelig Kurland is a sophomore English major from Charleston, West Virginia. "Bacon for Breakfast" appears alternate Tuesdays.