JOKE ISSUE: Emma Watson chooses Penn for graduate school
Watson has yet to finalize when she will begin her studies.
Watson has yet to finalize when she will begin her studies.
PHILADELPHIA — She had no idea where she was. Freshman Ilana Bernstein ventured out Wednesday afternoon, looking to find "yet another boring history recitation." But what she found was more shocking and appalling to her than any TA could ever be: a Penn sporting event. "It was honestly the most scarring thing I've seen at Penn," Bernstein said.
Penn Athletics is p cool. Some would say it's v awesome. I like our athletes. Sorry if we ever upset you, but insane props to you for everything you do.
"When we heard that Samantha Power would be speaking at Commencement, we knew we had to... get her boss," Wharton Dean Geoffrey Garrett said.
PHILADELPHIA — She had no idea where she was. Freshman Ilana Bernstein ventured out Wednesday afternoon, looking to find "yet another boring history recitation." But what she found was more shocking and appalling to her than any TA could ever be: a Penn sporting event. "It was honestly the most scarring thing I've seen at Penn," Bernstein said.
Penn Athletics is p cool. Some would say it's v awesome. I like our athletes. Sorry if we ever upset you, but insane props to you for everything you do.
As if the consistent national athletic attention and overwhelming adoration from Pennsylvania’s adolescent population wasn’t enough, Penn State has gained another round of ammo to hold against its longtime Philadelphia rival. To the surprise of the tens of collegiate track and field fans on campus, Penn President Amy Gutmann announced on Tuesday that the historic Penn Relays will be moving to Penn State. “Does this in any way affect Fling?” asked one particularly devoted supporter during Calhoun’s ensuing question and answer session. In what can only be described as one of the great clerical mix-ups in the history of track and field, the first annual Relays — which was held in 1895 — was mistakenly held at Penn and not Penn State, as the events bylaws originally intended.
Witnesses report that Engineering freshman Gavin Schmitt made the statement while studying with friends.
The announcement comes after the grand opening of the Penn Wharton China Center.
It seems that the Lions have turned the tables on Penn and become the poachers. Only a month after Penn football legend Al Bagnoli was announced as Columbia’s new coach, recently-fired Penn basketball coach Jerome Allen has followed suit, taking over the Light Blue program in the aftermath of a middling campaign. Allen was profuse in his praise for his new employer. “I’m not here to praise Columbia,” he said. The announcement — which followed a series of incognito meetings between the former Penn star and Columbia brass — took many by surprise, including former Lions head coach, Kyle Smith. “Excuse,” said a bewildered Smith when informed by Columbia that his services would not longer be needed.
The decision is meant to be more cost-effective and eco-friendly.
The Daily Pennsylvanian: We have a very special guest interview today. Could you please state your name for the readers? Hermann the Mum Star Rabbit: My name is HERMANN THE MUM STAR RABBIT! DP: Thank you Hermann.
It is undetermined whether Furda will continue to serve as Dean of Admissions at Penn.
The Daily Pennsylvanian’s annual gag issue has a long history, of which another chapter has been written today.
America is dropping the ball. Just about every week there is a story about how someone is abusing their right to live in the United States.
What’s really in your Starbucks coffee?
Legend will perform a new, original song when introducing Commencement speaker Samantha Power.
Nearly 260 years of Penn history is a lie.
The face of Penn President Amy Gutmann will soon be gracing more than the pages of the Daily Pennsylvanian — Gutmann was named the newest CoverGirl.
Penn gymnastics has been flying high for much of the 2014-15 season, both literally — in their acrobatic competitions — and in Ivy competition — picking up a surprise victory in the Ivy Classic.