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Joke Issue 2012

03/25/15 1:55am
Athletic Director M. Grace Calhoun has been making a lot of changes in her first year at the helm of Penn Athletics. On Tuesday, Calhoun — after long discussions with the Wharton marketing department — announced that the Quakers would be re-branding the athletic programs as the Penn Red and Blue and adopting a new tree-based mascot. “No, I don’t see any similarity to [Stanford’s athletic program],” Calhoun said when asked of her decision. When it came down to it, Penn athletics decided it needed more of a natural mascot.
03/25/15 1:55am
PHILADELPHIA — She had no idea where she was. Freshman Ilana Bernstein ventured out Wednesday afternoon, looking to find "yet another boring history recitation." But what she found was more shocking and appalling to her than any TA could ever be: a Penn sporting event. "It was honestly the most scarring thing I've seen at Penn," Bernstein said.
03/25/15 1:54am
Penn Athletics is p cool. Some would say it's v awesome. I like our athletes. Sorry if we ever upset you, but insane props to you for everything you do.
03/25/15 1:54am
It seems that the Lions have turned the tables on Penn and become the poachers. Only a month after Penn football legend Al Bagnoli was announced as Columbia’s new coach, recently-fired Penn basketball coach Jerome Allen has followed suit, taking over the Light Blue program in the aftermath of a middling campaign. Allen was profuse in his praise for his new employer. “I’m not here to praise Columbia,” he said. The announcement — which followed a series of incognito meetings between the former Penn star and Columbia brass — took many by surprise, including former Lions head coach, Kyle Smith. “Excuse,” said a bewildered Smith when informed by Columbia that his services would not longer be needed.
03/25/15 1:54am
As if the consistent national athletic attention and overwhelming adoration from Pennsylvania’s adolescent population wasn’t enough, Penn State has gained another round of ammo to hold against its longtime Philadelphia rival. To the surprise of the tens of collegiate track and field fans on campus, Penn President Amy Gutmann announced on Tuesday that the historic Penn Relays will be moving to Penn State. “Does this in any way affect Fling?” asked one particularly devoted supporter during Calhoun’s ensuing question and answer session. In what can only be described as one of the great clerical mix-ups in the history of track and field, the first annual Relays — which was held in 1895 — was mistakenly held at Penn and not Penn State, as the events bylaws originally intended.
03/25/15 1:52am

JOKE ISSUE | Interview with a Rabbit

The Daily Pennsylvanian: We have a very special guest interview today. Could you please state your name for the readers? Hermann the Mum Star Rabbit: My name is HERMANN THE MUM STAR RABBIT! DP: Thank you Hermann.
03/25/15 1:52am

JOKE ISSUE: Jim Khan | DP: 131, readers: -11.44

The Daily Pennsylvanian’s annual gag issue has a long history, of which another chapter has been written today.
03/25/15 1:51am

JOKE ISSUE: Sam Washington | Pledge to be American

America is dropping the ball. Just about every week there is a story about how someone is abusing their right to live in the United States.
04/04/12 1:31am
After a week of dealing with the consequences of nearly a foot of flooding, residents of Gregory College House have finally received help.
04/04/12 1:22am

Joke Issue: Jeremy Lin considered for PAACH director

The Office of the Vice Provost for University Life announced that Jeremy Lin may soon fill the vacant position of Pan-Asian American Community House director.
04/04/12 1:03am

Jim Khan | Joke issue score: 'DP' 128, readers 127

The Daily Pennsylvanian’s annual gag issue has a long history, of which another chapter has been written today.
04/04/12 1:02am
Huntsman Hall security escorted a Wharton freshman out of the building after he screamed “obscenities down the hall” when he was eliminated from Wharton’s annual school-wide assassins game, Hostile Takeover.
04/04/12 12:55am
Yesterday afternoon, Penn Athletics Director of Facilities Noah Gustkey discovered that someone had deflated the seasonal air structure that covered the Dunning-Cohen Champions Field.
04/04/12 12:54am
After publishing our first little number on grinding. — we’ve reevaluated how we stand on this mating ritual: to the front, to the back and to the side.
04/04/12 12:54am

Joke Issue: Knapp wheeling and dealing

Though it was expected that Knapp would opt for ACL and MCL reconstructive surgery after the season, the can-do senior, who led Penn to its best start in program history, decided she wasn’t ready to give up basketball just yet.
04/04/12 12:51am
Despite a standout Ivy League career, point guard Zack Rosen is facing plenty of doubts about whether he can take his talents to the NBA.
04/04/12 12:50am

Joke Issue: Penn replaced in Big 5 by rival Drexel

After being snubbed from the NCAA Tournament with a 29-7 record, the Dragons have been invited to join the Big 5 and replace Penn as the token member on 33rd Street.
04/04/12 12:49am

Joke Issue: Season still not over for men’s hoops

The Quakers will have another shot at postseason play tomorrow night against College House intramural champions, the Stouffer Mayers, in the first round of the Penn Rec Invitational.
04/04/12 12:48am

Joke Issue: Palestra turns hot and steamy

What was supposed to be a perfect night in the Palestra turned out to be anything but.
04/04/12 12:44am
I used to think hard work was like working at a restaurant: if I put in enough hours, I would receive what I want. High school was pretty much the same story. I would work hard and cash my efforts in for a handful of As at the end of every semester. But college is different.