(This article appeared in the 3/31/03 joke issue)
In an exclusive interview with local CBS sports anchor Beasley Reese, Penn baseball coach Bob Seddon disclosed the secrets to his success and longevity.
Seddon recently eclipsed the 600-win mark with a victory over Columbia in his 33rd year as head coach of the Quakers.
"The greatest pleasure that I have had as coach is to cork the bats of my players' over years," Seddon said. "There's really nothing like getting the old blow torch out to fill up some aluminum with solid cork."
The admission left Reese dumfounded as to the reason one would fill an aluminum bat with cork to gain an advantage.
"Why on Earth would you do such a thing?" Reese inquired.
"It's all about tradition, the cork is a sense of pride that I feel will be instilled in my players through its presence," Seddon remarked.
Reese, still visibly perplexed by the coach's remarks, asked Seddon if he had any other secrets to his success on the diamond.
"Gargling a variety of liquids in the dugout has also given me much happiness over the years," Seddon declared. "Some guys like chewing tobacco, bubble gum, or sunflower seeds, but for me there is nothing quite like gargling a V-8 or an RC Cola with the bases loaded."
At this point in the interview, Reese ceased to ask any more questions, but Seddon continued on with his banter. Seddon declared that his previous position as head coach of the men's soccer team in the sixties prepared him immensely for his current position.
"Soccer and baseball are indelibly alike," Seddon said. "I just couldn't give you a reason why."
Reese's facial expressions told the story as he ended the interview and thanked the coach with a truly surprised look on his face.
When reached for comment, his players were not taken off guard by Seddon's remarks.
"Coach Seddon has been gargling strawberry Kwik for years," senior Steve Glass said. "It's just something that comes with the territory when you play for him."
"For the most part, I don't really understand most of what Coach Seddon says or does," senior Nick Italiano said. "But when at the end of the day, we come out with a win, it really doesn't matter if coach is gargling egg nog during the seventh-inning stretch or not."
