(This article appeared in the 3/31/03 joke issue)
In a move unprecedented by any NCAA Division I school, the Columbia basketball team has entered itself into a New York City elementary basketball tournament. The Lions will face Sojourner Truth Elementary School (P.S. 149) in the opening round, scheduled to take place in the middle of November before the Lions' begin their collegiate schedule.
While public opinion has been far from favorable -- many citing that the Columbia team will have an unfair advantage -- several former university officials have attempted to assuage their fears.
"I feel that there is no need to worry about the Columbia team dominating the tournament," recently fired coach Armond Hill said. "The team will definitely have its hands full against some of the elite elementary schools of the city."
Should the Lions make it past the first round, they could face last year's New York City champion Roosevelt Island School (P.S. 217), who plays P.S. 119 in the other semifinal game.
"We feel that we are doing a good deed by allowing the city youth to participate with our players, who they look up to as role models," said John Reeves, Columbia University Director of Physical Education & Intercollegiate Athletics. "And who knows, maybe our players will actually benefit from the skills they see out on the court."
Community officials still have to decide where to hold the tournament, with the venues narrowed down to either P.S. 217's home gym or a neutral site in Columbus Park. A motion to hold the tournament at Columbia's gym was denied due to the fact that no one knew where Columbia's gym was located.
"We want to get the maximum amount of people possible to see these games," said Shelly Harwayne, Superintendent for Community District four in New York. "And we feel that would occur in one of our school's own gyms."
Another problem University officials are facing is the question of whether to include the tournament games in the Lions' overall standings. The option of counting the games as part of Columbia's regular season schedule has been supported by a variety of people, the most prominent of which is former NBA star Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. In a press conference last weekend, the leading candidate for Columbia's head coach position presented his views.
"Given Columbia's 2-20 record last year, I feel that their team should receive all the help they can get," he said. "Actually, I think they had more losses last season, I just can't count past 20."
Many Columbia players speculate that their team would receive added momentum if the games were broadcasted on national television.
"I think they should televise this game on ESPN," freshman starter Dragutin Kravic said.
Back on the Penn campus, coach Fran Dunphy and the returning starters have received the news with guarded optimism.
"Now even the worst team in the Ivy League has a chance to pick up some key non-conference wins before the Ivy League season begins," junior Jeff Schiffner said.
"The worst thing that could happen is if Columbia starts recruiting some of the ballplayers straight out of the tournament," Dunphy said. "Then they might have some real talent with which to run that embarrassment to basketball they call an offense."
