(This article appeared in the 3/31/03 joke issue)
JEWISH CAMP, Midwest -- Ivy League fans may get a dose of short shorts next year. And on a seven-footer, that means super short.
Yesterday afternoon, NBA Hall of Famer Kareem Abdul-Jabbar petitioned the NCAA for another year of eligibility. This comes on the heels of recently being declared a frontrunner for the coaching position at Columbia.
But whether or not he is hired to a program mired in losing, the artist formerly known as Lou Alcindor has his mind set on playing for the Lions next year. And should the ever-competant Columbia Athletic Department decide to hire a coach without the slightest bit of coaching experience, Abdul-Jabbar will assume the role of player-coach.
"I'm seven-two and this is the Ivy League," the UCLA legend said. "With me on Columbia, we'll win at least one game... I hope."
Abdul-Jabbar's push to reenter the college game will undoubtedly be allowed, as he only played three years of varsity ball while with the Bruins. His freshman team, however, defeated the varsity UCLA squad from 1967. That same varsity Bruins team went on to win the NCAA championship.
With Abdul-Jabbar leading the charge several old-schoolers are also considering using their year of non-varsity status in the Ivy League next year.
As if recently-inducted NCAA President Myles Brand didn't have enough to deal with, very tall and formerly athletic men are banging down his door to play collegiate basketball.
"The government messes with Title IX and now this!" Brand said in a press conference. "Good timing Ced [former NCAA president Cedrick Dempsy]. Thanks for all the help."
The push for former-NCAA stars playing basketball especially pleases Brown coach Glen Miller, as Bill Russell is slated to suit up for the Bears.
"Finally, a time when we don't get it jammed up our asses," Miller said. "This is Brown basketball. Finally respect. Princeton, Penn -- you better watch out for Brown and coach Miller."
Penn men's basketball coach Fran Dunphy has been on an old-school recruiting rampage of his own, locking up Jerry West and George Mikan.
"I'm leaving the Penn State West Philly campus to go to the main campus next year, so I don't really care," Dunphy said. "I'm a likeable chap. Everyone's going to miss me."
Dartmouth coach Dave Faucher and Cornell coach Steve Donahue have had trouble bringing recruits to campus, because both campuses are still engulfed by snow.
Dartmouth College president James Wright said that the old-schoolers would not be allowed to play, however, because of the school's ridiculous obligatory semester abroad.
