(This article appeared in the 3/31/03 joke issue)
Come next year's basketball season, the Ancient Eight will be the Ancient Six. In light of recent investigations, the Ivy League Board of Presidents has decided to suspend both the Harvard and Princeton men's basketball teams from play for the 2003-04 season.
After finding out that Harvard's Patrick Harvey and Princeton's Spencer Gloger -- both of whom left their respective schools because of academic ineligibility -- played multiple games while they were ineligible, the Board of Presidents called an emergency session late last night at Penn President Judith Rodin's humble abode in Gladwyne. [As a side note, Rodin's house is on the market. The asking price is $3,000,000.00].
Since the 2002-03 Ivy League season is finished, the league commissioners have decided to sanction the Crimson and Tigers for next year.
The Ivy League -- in an effort to maintain its reputation as the premier group of universities in the nation -- has taken more stringent action than would have been expected.
The Board of Presidents in essence voted not to allow both the Princeton and Harvard men's basketball teams to compete in Ivy League play next season.
After the emergency session of the board, Rodin stood by the commission's decision.
"We have to teach these elitist, snobby schools [Harvard and Princeton] that classroom performance really does matter, and that they can't bring lame students into their universities from colleges like Elon and expect them to perform academically. Besides, everyone knows that Harvard and Princeton both sucked last season and it won't matter if they don't play next winter."
Harvard University President Larry Summers was outraged by the board's decision.
"We are Harvard. Everyone knows we can do whatever we want, even if it is bringing idiots into our schools and trying to milk them for all of their athletic talent."
In a surprising turn of events, Brown basketball coach Glenn Miller emerged from the commission's meeting ready to comment on the situation.
"Even with Harvard and Princeton gone next season there is still going to be so much imbalance in this Goddamn league," Miller ranted. "You can't go to Penn and get a fair shake. Coach Miller from Brown, no respect. Brown University, no respect. Hell, it's two less games we'll have to play next year, so our players will be able to spend more time on their useless classes and avoid picking a major."
The Daily Pennsylvanian attempted to contact Penn -- as of this publication -- head coach Fran Dunphy but he was unavailable for comment. Apparently he was in the Nittany Lion Limo on his way back from Happy Valley.
Since we couldn't reach Dunphy, we decided to make a guess as to what he would have told us.
"As you guys are thinking, I'm going to be coaching Penn State, Not Penn next winter. So I don't really care that Princeton and Harvard are not going to be allowed to play."
So next fall, as the weather changes and another miserable winter sets in on Philadelphia, look for Red and Blue to make another perfect run through the league and finish with a record of 10-0 in the Ancient Six as Harvard and Princeton watch from the sidelines and count their endowments.
